Should I listen to ex re introducing DC to new DP?

[TrappedInThePast01]

I've posted about this before in chat but there has been a development since.

I am planning on introducing my DP to my DC in the near future. I mentioned this to STBXH who basically said no way, as I predicted. He was EA during our 12 year relationship and also a serial cheat. We separated following his 8th affair. Since then he's continued to be controlling and unpleasant and just generally difficult to deal with.

After I informed him about my intention to introduce the DC to DP, he came back to me to say that he wanted me to wait until after our divorce is through. I'm not sure why this matters to him. He then said to wait until after Xmas.

Thing is, I'm not sure what to do now. If he was reasonable and I trusted his reasons for wanting me to wait, then I'd have no problem with going along with his wishes. However, because he is the way he is, I'm worried that this is just another attempt at control and by listening to him, I'm encouraging his belief that he still has some say in the way I conduct my life (he has opinions on everything I do and is highly critical under the guise that it is his business as he is concerned about the DCs welfare, even where what he is criticising me for has nothing to do with the DC). Part of the problem is that we are incapable of having a rational and reasonable discussion about this because he is always right no matter what I say.

Added to this, his sister (whom I have always gotten on well with but haven't seen for quite a while) has got in touch asking me to meet with her to discuss ex. She is concerned that recent events (I assume me wanting to let DC meet DP) will make ex 'blow'. She is saying she is trying to 'talk sense into him' but I have the feeling she is going to ask me to delay the meeting and maybe some other stuff that I know ex is annoyed at me for (but which IMO are minutiae). I understand that she has ex's interests at heart but equally she must realise she only has his half of the story and he is prone to a bit of creative twisting. Should I meet up with her do you think?

And what to do about ex? Should I listen to him on this matter? I am happy for my DC to meet DP, in fact, my eldest from a previous relationship already has and they get on great. Other DC are also keen to meet him after brief phone calls etc. I'd really appreciate any advice as I feel really stuck and confused. TIA.

"She is concerned that recent events (I assume me wanting to let DC meet DP) will make ex 'blow'."

It sounds like your ex has a habit of making the people in his life feel responsible for his violent reactions. If he "blows", it isn't because of you, it is because of him. He obviously doesn't have control over himself, hence the fighting and the comments about not being able to stop himself if he met your new DP.

It would be nice if he were a rational, decent person and you could have a friendly co-parenting relationship. From what you have said though, he really isn't and you probably can't. Nothing you can do can make him into a calm, non-violent, non-abusive, not-controlling person. It isn't your job to control the environment so that he doesn't turn nasty. In the nicest possible way, I think you need to start thinking of him as the person he actually is, not the person you wish he were.

My advice would be to stop involving him in your life. Communicate about the kids, be civil, and be very vigilant when it comes to the way he treats your children. He sounds pretty unpleasant and scary.

your ex is responsible for his behaviour.
he wants to blow - let him keep yourself and if needs be your dc away from him.
introduce new people to DC, it's not a big deal.

if you going to move in with dp it's a diff story for dc but one you can all discuss you dc and dp - not with ex.

Totally agree with ribbityribbit.

I have an ea ex h (separated 18 months) and also a new dp (3 months).

It is tempting to keep thinking as though your ex is rational person with whom you can have rational, co-parenting discussions. I too make this mistake. You need to let this idea go because he sounds like he still has quite a bit of control over your actions, OP and is a manipulative, violent man.

Introduce dp to your dc. To my mind the whole arbitrary time limit of 6months is meaningless. The right time is a combination of loads of factors relating to the circumstances of separation, what's happening with the kids, dp, his wishes, many many things.

I introduced my new dp after (wait for it) two months. Shock horror!

And my kids are, um, fine. Actually fine. To keep him a secret would have been totally weird in the context of us. Once they knew of him they wanted to meet him, which they did very briefly one evening.

Go with your gut and remember your ex is not someone who deserves a great deal of consideration. In view of ongoing divorce proceedings I would be communicating only by email.

Good luck OP.

I would totally let the kids meet dp in your situation.

Your ex is trying to control you. Don't let him.

And don't tell him anything at all from now on!

Meeting a new partner doesn't have to be a big deal.
They don't have to start hanging around all the time with the children, nor staying at home for a while.
But I don't see why anyone that we know should be purposely kept from our children's lives.

If your ex had the DC's best interest at heart he wouldn't have told them about your new man. As it is he has and it's much better they are introduced rather than keep secrets. Personally I put my children first and that includes being open with them (appropriately) about who I'm spending time with. A new friend or partner doesn't need to be any kind of threat or confusion to them.

Exactly, Lweji and Loving. I really don't understand this MN attitude that new boyfriends/girlfriends should be kept secret. I'm bringing my children up in a culture of openness and honesty so why shouldn't that include my relationship?

Of course I'm not talking about a parade of men through the house, with a different man in your bed every week. Or jumping from an ex straight to a new man/woman. But if you meet someone and it progresses beyond a number of casual dates and becomes a relationship with someone you want to spend time with, then it seems natural to introduce him (or her!) to the children. Surely we should be modelling healthy relationships to our children? It is normal to show them that despite a failed marriage, we can love again and be loved.

Stability can be through the love, time and affection of the parent...how many partners they have and the details of their social and sex life is irrelevant. Isn't there value in teaching children that there are different types of friendships and relationships?

My son meets my colleagues, random friends, relatives, etc, not to mention teachers, assistants, neighbours, etc.

I won't impose any partner on them at home if the relationship is not sufficiently stable, but I won't hide them either.
In fact, it helps to suss out how they relate to each other.
My son doesn't need to know it's a bf or partner when they meet.

Introduce the DC to your new boyfriend as a friend. He's not a partner love, don't fall into that one.

Your Ex was controlling and abusive. It took you WAY longer than 6m, a year or maybe even 2 to realise, and took you longer to get out. Remember this, never ever forget it, because you have only been with the boyf for a few months. you don't know him yet.

You have not done anything to repair the vulnerability to abusive men so therefore could be strolling into another abusive relationship. You don't know, as he won't have shown the signs yet.

Get yourself on the Freedom Programme and ideally some therapy to heal the damage caused to you by your abusive ex.

it won't go away until you treat it. trust me.

Oh and don't let your EXH control you. he lost that right a LOOOOONG time ago, the minute he cheated on you.

Stop asking his permission on anything, but make sure the decisions you make are sound ones.

You are the only person your kids have to look up to. make it count