Porn again - dh hiding it from me.

[canwegetoverthis]

I've decided to post this after reading some other threads on porn and husbands, cos I think it could pull my marriage apart if I dodn't get my head round this. And once again, I've felt the need to change my chat name, something I've never done before, because I'm embarrased about what has been going on.

I'm a regular mumsnetter. I thought that my husband and I had a great relationship, though recently things had slowed down a bit - we have 3 children and the youngest one is (still) waking up 2 or 3 times at night, so that is what I put it down to. We've been married for a long time, we tried hard for the children we wanted so much, and our life seemed so perfect. Too bl**dy perfect!!!

Dh admitted to me last Saturday night that for the last year - since before our youngest was born - he's been using the internet for porn. He's been doing it a couple of times a week, at home or at work (he has his own office). He said it has been weighing more and more heavily on his mind and he's been feeling worse and worse about doing it, but he found it very hard to stop, and in the end he thought the only way to stop would be if I knew about it.

He knows how I feel about it. He always has. I think it is a ghastly exploitation of women and a betrayal of our marriage. To me, it feels like he has slept with someone else. We went through this once before, just before we got married, when I came across some magazines (days before the internet) when he was moving his stuf into my flat when we got engaged. I told him then in no uncertain terms what I thought and that is he did it again then I would find it hard to forgive him. On occasion I've asked him if he has done it again, and he's always said no (well, to be honest, what could he say?????). He once got home and admitted he'd bought a mag and put it straight in the bin ('unused' - uuurgh -- I think!!!)

The problem with this is it has been going on so long. We had a huge row on Saturday followed by a huge chat on Sunday. I wanted to know what had been happening, and the worst bit is that he kept going back to the same site as there was one particular 'girl' that turned him on. So I felt like he was searching her out, which makes it more like a betrayal.

I feel like I have let him down too. ALthough he says I am as desireable as ever (is anyone after a good few years of childbearing???) and he still fancies me, I know that some of you will understand why this makes me feel like a fat, flabby, unattractive, vomit and snot covered mother of several young children! I'm so tired, run down with school runs and homework and my own job and I just dont have the time to make myself attractive very single day. We can't afford the waxes and hairdos that we could when there was only the two of us. He says none of this matters, but when I discovered he'd been online in the evenings instead of coming to bed with me, or late home from work because that is what he was up to when I was struggling with teatime and bedtime and forcing unwilling children to brush their teeth etc ...... I feel very, very let down.

Obviously, I've been thinking about it a lot. I dunno if any of you can undertand or help? I know its a man thing, but I didn't think it was a MY man thing. He's a great Dad, normally a fantastic husband. How can I get my head round it and forgive him, so that our marriage can get back to normal?

I've got no real advice but understand completely where you are coming from. I've found mags on quite a few occassions during my marriage and they always make me feel like dh has cheated. I also feel unattractive and that he will be comparing me to those women when we're in bed together. Every time I find them we have a row and he promises he won't do it again. Every so often I'll come accross more. I don't think they can stop even if they try. I know it doesn't bother some women but it bothers me. I know its not unusual and if its any consolation the majority of men use porn. sorry I haven't got any useful advice though.

this is so tricky...totally and completely understand you feeling as if this is sending the message to you that you are unattractive (doesn't matter how many times my dh tells me i'm more fanciable now than before ds, i struggle to believe it and don't feel attractive in myself at the moment, which is probably the fundamental point). but objectively, i really don't think that the fact that he is watching porn, even the same girl, in itself means that he is not attracted to you. i guess the real issue is that he knew how you felt and couldn't resist anyway. but it is really difficult to resist something if you know in your heart that you DO fancy your wife and that it is just a way of relieving sexual tension. i hate to ask this, but how is your sex life...i'm not totally justifying his actions in these terms, but if, like most mothers, it has become harder to find the time, space and will for intimate contact with your partner maybe this is him trying to tell you that he wants more of you?? the bottom line is surely that like you say he is a great dad, fantastic husband and most importantly of all, has been honest about this to you...can you bring yourself to meet him halfway and not condemn him completely, and accept that maybe this is about him and his sexuality, not a betrayal of you or because he doesn't find you attractive. i'm sorry if this is rambly, and maybe not helpful, but i really feel for you, and in a strange way for him too.

You haven't let him down. You haven't. I'm so sorry, I can't say anything much constructive, but please don't feel it's because children have distorted your priorities. Hugs.

Hope you don't mind another opinion - I have always been a staunch advocate of 'well, it can't do any harm - they're never going to meet this woman and if they did she probably wouldn't fancy them' and I still believe that for films and magazines to a degree (as long as it is not perverted or harmful to others)I don't mind watching a 'naughty' film now and then and it helps our sex life rather than making me feel undesirable (though I'd soon get a bit pissed off if it was every time), but I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I've decided that all in all internet porn is a different kettle of fish. Sure if it's an online magazine or movie, fine, no different - if it's chat rooms or web cams then I think that is a betrayal. I think you need to establish exactly what it is he is doing, and make boundaries and rules around that, I don't think you can censor everything someone else reads or watches but there have to be limits with which you are both comfortable. Would you be able to watch a film together? Perhaps if he was more open about it then it would be better. Good luck - but don't break up an otherwise perfectly good marriage over a bit of paper or celluloid. If there are other problems that you think may be behind this - then deal with the cause not the sympton.

christs beans i wasn't meaning to imply that you'd let him down! if that was a response to my post mi. just that he's doing this, and telling you and maybe he's trying to say something to you...not your fault at all in any way.

It was mainly a response to how canwegetoverthis feels, soph...she feels knackered and unattractive (as do most of us, I reckon).

yup

I know where you're coming from Canwe. My dh has done this on a few occasions and it's really messed him and me up. BUT one thing that came out of it, is that he always tells me when he's been looking at this stuff and apologises. So much so, that he just doesn't anymore. And - yes I do believe him.

This is such an emotive topic and it's very subjective too. For me, my dh looking at porn is betrayal and unfaithfulness. For others, it's just one of those things that men do. What others think about porn in this instance is actually irrelevant. How does it make you feel as a wife and partner?

You will both come through this and be a much more tightly bound unit because of it. I bet your dh feels really relieved about not having to keep this a secret anymore. He admitted it to you, because he needed you to know. Don't hide your disappointment in him, but don't dwell on it either. It's done and he's apologised. You've talked about it once and so it'll be easier to talk about it again if he feels the need to look at this stuff.

If your dh wants to stop using porn, then help him. If he doesn't see why he should then explain again the difference it would make in your self esteem if he did. It's all about choice. No one is tying him to a chair and forcing him to look at this stuff. He has to choose not to and to do it for you not because you said so IYSWIM.

I don't want our marriage to suffer from this, and yes, I think he does want to stop. I think for him (without excusing him, because it is still his choice) that it is an addiction.

I don't think I've been making myself unavailable to him - even with 3 children and one of them still a baby, we probably make love about twice a week or so - which I keep telling him is good!!! It's not quite the devilmaycare, throw caution to the winds, sex on the beach (really!!) couple that we were before children came along - neither of us have the energy and to be honest, he's not as young as he was!! (neither am I!!)

But he still seems to have the energy for this - maybe because it is so easy, there's no emotional energy involved. I know that making love required some emotion, effort on both parts, and he's found a nice easy way he doesn't have to think about making and effort.

He does say he wants to stop - for both of us, for the children too (he wouldn't want our kids to find out - too young at the moment). I, too , feel really sorry for him. It must be a cold lonely existence to be so controlled by something like this, and I do feel a little at fault for not noticing that there was something up, because he says he has been miserable.

I can't go down the route you suggest, helsbels. THanks for giving an alternative opinion, but it just wouldn't suit me. I am totally against everything in the pornography industry, I think it is hurtful (and I know that on Mumsnet we have discussed the ins and outs of pornography more than once). I couldn't get turned on at something that disgusts me, and with which I have so many ideoogical problems.

That which doesn't destroy us makes us stronger. Hopefully this is what will happen. I love him so much, I want it all to be OK.

I really feel for you canwe, and hope that you can get over it. Perhaps you could try counselling either together or alone? As I said though, if you think there is more to it, face up to it as soon as possible, for what it's worth, I think twice a week is a very adequate sex life with 3 children, we are lucky to manage once a month with one child and one on the way. Hope it works out, I feel sure that it will {{}}

I personally belong to the "porn doesn't bother me" brigade BUT I'm not inside your marriage. You explained to your dh how you felt about it even before you got married. He agreed to this at the time and said he wouldn't look at porn. Now he's gone back on his word which I imagine is at least a part of why you feel betrayed. I don't mind too much about porn but I would be seriously pi**ed off if my dh left me to cope with the kids by myself while he was off looking at porn-sites.

He's got to start earning your trust back rather than just thinking that it's all been dealt with just because he felt guilty and confessed.

We had another big heart to heart last night and I think things have moved on.
He can't make me trust him. Yes, he has to earn my trust back, but that will be a long slow process and so in the meantime finding that trust is something I have to do, if I want us to survive. And I do.
He assured me that it was 'only' looking at images of women, nothing weird or kinky, (well, nothing worse), no cams or chat sites or anything. I HAVE to beleive him - I think I do.

We've decided to make an appointment for at least one session of counselling, to help us through the next few weeks and months. He's promised to try to arrange this today. I think we need to reasses our marriage, where are we going, why are we stuck in such a rut, why aren't we doing all the things we said we would do when we got together. Why is our life so mundane, that this is the only thrill he gets? We need to talk this over with an external counsellor, someone objective, who can think it through with us.

Thanks everyone for your help. I'll let you know how it goes.

From reading this thread it seems like the porn is the trigger not the cause of the problem. It appears as if you are both missing the fun in your relationship and need to put that back. I realise it may not be easy but if you can get someone to look after the children overnight every now and again and spend the time together doing nothing or everything.

Your dh sounds like a good man deep down, he's recognised that him viewing porn upsets you, has admitted the problem and is seeking ways to put it right. Help each other, don't be too hard on him or yourself, as you said he's a great Dad and a fantastic husband. Forgive him and take the guilt away on both sides.

Dh just off the phone - managed to get in contact with relate and they have a cancellation appointment available for 1.30 TOMORROW!

Nervous now, but glad too!

It sounds to me like your dh wants to do everything he can to work this out. If you can accept he's made a mistake and wants to put it right I'm sure you are both going to be fine.
Good luck for tomorrow.

Thought I'd update you.

We went to relate on Friday and it was exceptionally good and very helpful. We were each given the chance to talk, after dh had explained the problem (his problem after all!)

What we have realised, and of course it is no great revelation, is that we just weren't communicating and weren't making enough time for one another.

Must dash, but I'll write more about it later, think it would do me good.

Speaking personally as a man, online porn can easily turn into an addiction for men (addiction defined as can't stop when you want to). My case for over 15 years in a marriage. and I think it does do harm because essentially it is a little fantasy world into which you can retreat. And it is also not good for intimacy and love. Plus when your wife finds out and is horrified, as you can't stop, you start lying.
In fact there is an organisation Sex Addicts Anonymous which helps men to overcome sex addictions (porn, chat, prostitutes, etc) through a 12 step programme. I'm on it and it works.

Errrr....this is a thread from like 13 years ago

Hi op. I was the same and found out my partner had been secretly doing it

He broke down and confessed he had been still doing it and told me absolutely everything. Details I'd probably have preferred not to hear to be honest. But he admitted it was an addiction and has not used in over a year and a half now. He also knows if it ever happens again he will lose me and our cosy family life.

Unfortunately porn is a very addictive thing. I used to use it myself when I was younger and always felt horrendously guilty afterwards but still took me ages to quit

I hope you're feeling better and the fact your partner is open and wanting to change its good sign

Oh bloody hell zombie thread never mind.

slowly backs away awkwardly