Gambing addiction

[ToothFairyMary]

Can't sleep as feeling so stressed and worried.

DH has been playing poker for a few years now. When he first got into it he worked really hard to learn as much as he could and took it very seriously, playing in small online tournaments to start and slowly building up a pot of money. He was determined to understand how to play properly and really succeed.

I was initially concerned as I knew nothing about it and was worried about the gambling aspect, but he's always been very open about it. A couple of years ago he had a fairly big win, and paid off some credit card debt of mine. He did it willingly, but since then if I've mentioned a concern over his playing he has said things like 'oh but it's ok if I'm paying off your credit cards isn't it' so I've felt it hard to criticise.

We have gone through a very stressful couple of years with birth of dc2 and redundancy for both of us, combined with house moving stress/failure.

We are about to start a large building project and it is very stressful and worrying. We will be spending all of our (not unsubstantial) savings. However we are desperate for this work as have no space for our family and no chance of moving for the foreseeable future.

I've noticed DHs mood changing the last few months. We have been thorough a rough patch relationship wise. It escalated on Thursday when he got paralytic at a work do and forgot where he lived/lost his wallet so couldn't pay the taxi, was a complete mess. I had an important day on Friday so was really annoyed with him as my Dc ended up waking up so I only got a couple of hours sleep and he couldn't help me at all. On friday he then stayed after work and didn't get home til 8.30, when he was clearly drunk again.

Id been hoping to talk so was livid he could do this again, but it's so out of character I asked him what was going on and if anything was wrong.

Eventually he came out with it, he's managed to run up £4k on his credit card playing at poker clubs. He's been worried about telling me as he thought I would leave him.

This is obviously a blow in light of the work we are about to do.

But more than that I am so worried about the addiction side of things. I don't know how to handle it. He has said that he will not go to clubs at all any more, but still wants to play small tournaments at home in the meantime. He also wants to take on a second job to pay off the debt but this is pretty unrealistic in our current situation as his job is very intensive.

We will eventually be able to pay off the £4k but now I feel I can't trust him to put our family first. I'd like him to stop playing completely until it's all sorted but I realise if this is a true addiction it needs to come from him.

I feel sick about it all as his actions have such an impact on all of us. I'm also worried about his drinking which seems to be a bit of an issue since this (I'm assuming because of the stress). Alcoholism/addictive behaviour runs in his family so it's really concerning.

Has anyone been through this?

A few years ago I found out my husband was gambling, the lies for me were too much and I asked him to leave that day, this is obviously slightly different circs as your husband has spoken to you.
We split up for 18months to 2 years, and did get back together and are still together now (5 years later), with hindsight me asking him to leave straight away helped him and saved our relationship, though at the time I never saw us getting back together, it was the worst time of my life he was my first love .
He was not ready to stop when we first split up, thought he could control his gambling, was still chasing his losses, he went through a really low time, it would have destroyed us being together whilst that was happening.
He eventually saw in the time we were apart what he had lost by gambling (not just the money), he then realised the money was gone and by chasing it he was only loosing more he had to draw a line under the money, he then worked on what caused him to gamble to start with and triggers.
I did see him during this time, and supported but also looked after myself emotionally.

Remember you did not cause it, you cant control it, you cant cure it.

Look after yourself.

Are you ok, OP ? Did you manage to stay at work or have to come home. However you are facing up to this, I wish you well.

Thanks for checking on me AF. I was feeling dreadful so I have come home.

Just got off the phone to GamCare.

The councillor agreed the first thing to do is be tough and give consequences, and that any form of poker has to stop. He also delved into our finances, which have been worrying me, and which the councillor said was concerning.

We have a joint account that both our wages go into. When we got the joint account we thought that all the accounts were being shared, but then realised afterwards that it was only the current account, and DHs other accounts, including savings, are still only in his name so I have no access.

The savings money is the money for the building work and I have trusted him with this. I have also given him around £10k to add to the pot. I'm sure that this money is still all there as he did a balance check last night and told me the amount, but the councillor was very concerned about this and told me that I need to get some financial protection and at the very least get access, if not restrict DHs access.

I know this will not go down at all well with DH (restricting access, we have already been trying to sort an appointment with the bank to get me access to savings). He has generally been very good with money over the years, which is why we have savings at all, and in the past it's me who has been terrible. My share of the savings came from a PPI refund (from heaps of previous debt!) and redundancy pay, so not steady saving at all. Trying to say I should take control of finances will not be welcome with him and may sound hypocritical (although I am much more sensible with money post DC)

I know we need to sit down and talk seriously tonight. The GamCare centre is close to us, and it's free counselling, so I'm hoping he will agree to arrange an appointment and also to stop all poker as a first step.

It's if he won't agree that I don't really know what to do. If I give an ultimatum of separating if he won't commit to help then I know I'll have to follow through with it

The thing about addictions is that they bring out the manipulative, lying, head in the sand and sometimes abusive character traits to the fore.

It is imperative that you get support, keeping his dirty secret will only hurt you as well as guaranteeing more of the same.

The positives of his confession have s short shelf life if they aren't followed up by honesty and hard bloody work. Worrying, It appears he thinks his confession entitles him to carry on gambling, whilst ensuring you keep your mouth shut. His earlier 'I paid off your credit card debt' move was either deliberate or a serendipitous ploy to gag you. Dont let his tears and defensiveness scare you into doing nothing.

Good luck.

X posted. You've done the right thing.

Toothfairy- the gamcare website is very good also, and there is a section for family and friends.

I thought that coming home was the best place for you. Who could possibly concentrate at work with all this flying around your head. Do not hesitate to call in sick tomorrow if you cannot face it or you have practical stuff to sort out

I agree the building monies/savings are potentially very vulnerable in his name. No one is saying he has or will dip into it, but it wouldn't it be best for everybody if that were no longer even an option ? I am afraid he has forfeited the right to blind trust.

I wish you strength in the conversation that you need to have, and am so glad you sought professional advice.

Oh, and I agree. Don't issue any ultimatums unless you are fully prepared to follow through. If you renege, you weaken your position. Hold fire for now, but be aware it may come to that.

For you to be able to work with him he has to admit he has a problem (A REAL ONE), that he can't gamble anymore and say that you can manage money (with his input of course), ask questions about money/ gambling etc without him attacking you. These steps are a direct consequence of his actions. I( felt very betrayed when I discovered what my DH did and was very angry for quite some time. I told my family what happened. I didn't tell his for other reasons.

If you give a consequence you have to follow through if you don't you and your relationship will be screwed.

Also I found my DH's attitude was super important, he recently went to a meeting and when he came home he said that he felt humbled. He saw so many lives in tatters and he still have a lovely home, a family, a great job etc and if I hadn't stood by him he wouldn't have those things.

I never let him hit rock bottom because it would mean me hitting it too- some would say I was enabling him, but I don't think so. I think you have to start somewhere to make it work.

What worries me is that your husband has made very little motion towards wanting to give up poker desperately. I worry that he was drinking and told you because he was going to get found out, or just wanted it out in the open, rather then wanting to make the necessary changes to get better. You shouldn't be worried about his reaction to you having access to his accounts. My DH in the letter he told me everything he had done, how sorry he was, how he knew he would lose me BUT he said how much he wanted to stop- he included all passwords to his accounts without being asked.

I suppose what I'm saying is he has to see he really has a problem, not that his hobby has only gotten a little out of hand. He has to want to make the changes necessary to move forward wholeheartedly. He needs to ensure he doesn't become abusive towards you in the process of his frustration.

The hard part is, there is fuck all you can control in this- it's not your fault and you can't fix it!

Big hugs xx

It's good he owned up but not much use if he then attempts to sort it out his way. You say he is extremely down and criticising himself but I'm afraid he could be saying all the right things to please you but buy time.

He may have issues he hasn't even connected with the gambling. Distancing himself with the iPad when you were giving birth to DC2 and recovering - that is pretty extreme. I wonder whether his interest in poker and gambling began around the time you conceived DC1?

Savings plus additional £10K - that's a lot to trust him with in these circumstances. Glad you are checking this and looking into how to monitor withdrawals etc.

So glad you got advice from Gamcare. Get all the support you can, and you absolutely must get control of all the money. Otherwise the worry and stress will ruin your health and your relationship.
Not relevant that you had (past tense) been crap at managing money before - you aren't the one with a gambling addiction.

I agree you have to be tough with him. Not just for your relationships' future - but for your children, yourself, and him.

I hope you keep posting for support, and I'm thinking of you

Hi ToothFairy

I really feel for you as I too have been in a similar situation and it is hard reading your story with the echos to mine (and many other people's it seems, so sad).

My dh has a long standing gambling addiction going back as far as his teens. We married in our early twenties and I honestly had absolutely no idea at all, pre dc money was no problem and we did our own thing with our left over spending money.

It came to a head a few years after our first dc when he admitted to a shed load of debt, but like your dh he works in an industry when getting hammered / going out / chucking cash around frequently is expected so he blamed it on all the extra socialising. I was very supportive and we "worked together" on the repayment plan etc etc to get this debt down.

A few years, and more dc later, he came clean again, I think only because he had reached the end of his credit line. Not only had he run up MORE debt but at this point he admitted it was because of his gambling addiction. Again, I was v supportive, we went to Gamcare counselling (separately - I would highly recommend it, and it's free) and I took over the finances to try and wade through the debt.

Anyway, you've guessed it, a year on, by which point I had spent the bulk of our marriage cutting costs in every single area to keep our spending down to pay off the debts, he admitted he was for a third time up to the eyeballs in debt. This time I asked him to leave and we are now divorced.

Looking back now, when I think about my heart of hearts, I think I knew it was over even the first time he came clean about the debts. It was so obvious then that we were not his priority, and he had no interest in being a provider (despite being a high earner) for his family, or indeed a family man. Really it is the lies, deceit, and the feeling empty (as you describe it during the birth of your child) that killed our relationship, more than the actual gambling. In my opinion, you need to be on the same team to have a good relationship, and we were not.

I really do wish you all the best but I can honestly say although it is hard being a single parent, it is easier than trying to live a life with a man who is effectively working against you as you try and bring up your family in a secure and safe way.