DP staying at ex's to see his DS

[Charley50]

How would you feel about this?
He has always done it as DS is a five hour drive away. It's hardly ever now (for various reasons, partly his ex denying contact for months on end)
Anyway what would you think/ do?
We've been together 8 years. It's been rocky lately but we are working to fix it. But this has been an ongoing issue over the years. I was never the OW by the way.

He's got one child.
Mynew, I agree that I think he should be building his own relationship with his DS, not one where mum is always around. I've told him this. I also think his DS should have had the chance to get to know his grandparents, cousins, aunties and uncles, who are all near us. This hasn't happened.
DS is 10. He sees him in the holidays so he could easily meet ex half way for drop off pick up.
This happened once about 3 years ago. His ex wanted to control contact from afar. She had a list of things he was to do with his DS. When she found out he stayed at ours for one night (meant to be at grandma) she immediately cut short the visit and demanded he bring DS back. (Crying hysterically). Bearing in mind I also have a DS (away at his dads) and his DS was enjoying being at our house.
She then cut contact for around a year because of this.
I have never met her. She doesn't ask my DP 'hows Charley?' I am not mentioned when he is there. I know because I've asked DP. I don't know why this is as she doesn't want my DP. Surely over a few days you ask about what is going on on their life? It pisses me off that he doesn't mention me to her. I hope I haven't outed myself.
What a mess.

You need to be getting to know DP's DS. Perhaps he can come for a week in the hols (even if it is to DGMs). What does DS say, would he like to see more of DP?

He used to see DS more but it fizzled to less and less over the years due to him being a bit crap and ex withholding (and not letting him come to us/ grandparents). He has always paid maintenance. He didn't see his own dad until he was 18 and now has a good relationship with him.

"He didn't see his own dad until he was 18 and now has a good relationship with him."

So that's all right then.

My DP didn't see his own dad until he was 18. He knows the mum does a good job. He is very passive but loves his DS.

Oh I wrote that already. Sorry no it's not alright just putting his actions into context. He would like to see his DS more, here.

Tell him that kids only know you love them if you show it. Would you feel loved by him if he only made the effort to see you ttwice a year?

Forget your issue with him staying at her house-the child is the important one here.

Hakluyt. I have told him this and have always encouraged more contact. It's not just him, he bought DS an itouch so they could have FaceTime. They were speaking to each other every other day or every day for a few months... Then his ex switched it off; she said she didn't want DS getting addicted to the games on it. He arranged for DS to stay one holiday.. Let her know when he had time off work in good time- at the last minute she texted him and said he hadn't made an arrangement (he had) so she cancelled it.
He is a bit rubbish but it is also his ex making things difficult. He just gives up rather than argue about it.

If his partner came up with him, then yes. She's lovely. She rarely does though as they have animals to care for.

Madlizzy that's the difference. I am not invited there. I am not even mentioned there. It's fucking weird. At work now so won't respond til later.

I think priorities are being a bit mixed up here. He only sees his DS twice a year, by your own admission he has been 'a bit rubbish.' He needs to be focusing on establishing a more regular contact pattern himself before trying to worry about the needs and wishes of his partner and getting to know relatives. How well can his son even know his Dad at this point? I don't really think he is in any position to be demanding contact on his terms at the moment because he is barely present in his child's life.

I thought it was interesting upthread that you said his ex "had strong boundaries (as a reason given for him not shagging her on his visits)

You didn't mention his

Lol AnyF you spotted that. No I don't think he would have been averse to a fuck down memory lane. Call me cynical or untrusting or a mug...

I didn't post about the frequency of contact.

You may not have posted about frequency of contact but it is still relevant as to why your DP is in his current position. If he was having regular contact he would be in a much stronger place to push for better arrangements on his terms. At it is he has accepted the role of distant relative. But since you don't trust him anyway then I guess you have bigger problems.

I suppose the lack of contact with his ds has allowed you to paper over the cracks in your relationship

I don't think both of you come out of this very well, tbh,, because it would be easy to conclude that your push to bring ds to you is a pointless attempt to keep your man where you can see him

Bad news all round, I'd say

Be honest with yourself here

I don't understand why he hasn't applied to the court for contact.mis there any formal agreement in place?

Just to add another perspective. My children are currently living with my ex. I go and stay at what was the family home every two weeks as I have let my ex keep the house until the kids are grown up. I live in very small accommodation and prefer that their lives are not disrupted as much as possible. It may not be for everyone but it works for us.

My partner hates it. I understand it, of course. but I think when you are with someone who has kids from a previous relationship you need to understand the children need to come first.

The contact with his DS is the priority I agree. I have encouraged contact, including at ex's place, but it has dwindled over the years. I think both parents are at fault as she has denied visits at last minute for no reason, denied FaceTime contact etc.
He in turn has not pushed for contact as much as much as other dads might. I have always encouraged more contact so I don't think what you said is fair really AF.

My own DS stays with his dad and his wife EOW (they live a four hour return journey... I do one way) and in the holidays. I'm happy for this contact because I want my DS and his dad to have an ongoing relationship.
It has caused a lot of heartache over the years that there isn't more contact but my DP seems resigned to it.
There are some trust issues but a lot of it is my own anxiety.

I mention the situation with my own DS because I find his secrecy over his ex so hard to deal with; I know and like my ex's wife and trust her with my DS. We occasionally text each other about contact and spoke a lot when my ex was very Ill. It's the mystery that gets me about the situation.

Thanks for all the responses so far. It's good to get other perspectives.

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Has anyone else been in this situation?
Did they find a ay to resolve it where everyone was happy, did it destroy the relationship they had, or something in between?