Conflict with ex. Could it be making me physically ill?

[NickiFury]

It's at least every couple of days. He will send an innocuous text message usually about dc and somehow it will turn into a massive slagging off (for me). There's no one that can do hand overs and we have to in regular phone contact as both dc have ASD.

It's pointless going into detail but usually it's just the same stuff, I have "milked" him for years (child support), everyone knows what I am like, everyone in his family hates me, they always have, I've got no friends, can't get on with anyone, I'm a shit Mum, I don't put my kids first, this is because I want have a conversation with him at handover (apparently kids need to see us interacting normally) well I tried that for five years and just ended up being insulted (see above).

Thing is I actually feel physically ill after these exchanges, even just by text. Today I am drained and exhausted and feel as depressed as I used to when I was on anti depressants, I get migraines, I get neck and joint pain, sore throats, always after I have had dealings with him. Tomorrow I will wake up and feel ok, then on Wednesday (when he takes dc) it will happen all over again. He just demolishes the boundaries I do put in place.

I suppose I just want to know how others deal with this because it feels really hopeless at the moment and as though I will never be free if it. He's getting remarried soon and I really thought that would improve things (focus off me) but no, if anything it's worse as though he perceives he has totally lost control now even though he decided to get married.

Any thoughts or advice welcome, I haven't posted here about him in years. It feels pretty crap to be here posting about again tbh.

I've got an ex like that. Abusive emails/texts - ignore. Rants in person - depending on how I feel, I go with: (a) laugh in his face or (b) ostentatiously fiddle with my phone and pretend to be recording what he's saying or (c) roll my eyes and look bored.

Just approaching your interactions in an experimental spirit can help - you're not the victim of the interaction, you're an observer of it. Try out a few different ways of behaving, see how he reacts, see how you feel. Make a note of what works.

God he sounds like an arse. I can recommend recording his rants. Either he stops when he sees what you're doing, or you can play it back when you're not so adrenaliney and pick apart his arguments. Really think about how ridiculous he's being.

Apart from that, look at every opportunity for him to communicate with you, and see how you can make it better for you. Can the DC arrange skype themselves? Do you have to communicate by phone? Email would be much better.

Fortunately I have no experience of this, but maybe picturing him with his pants around his knees and shit on his arse would help?

Does he live near you?

Tell him via email you need scheduled times for Skype. You don't have to tell the dc this incase he doesn't call. Don't answer if it's not at the scheduled time- set your status to busy or something, if you need it on for others. When he calls, call dc and get them in front of the screen. Answer or ring him back.

Ignore his calls and just send a text saying " am v busy, pls email or text me" ignore voice mails or turn off the facility.

At handover, make sure dc ready and if he starts to be rude, be very firm and say " not in front of the children please" and repeat. Make handover faster and don't let him in.

See a doctor about all the symptoms. Be reassured it's stress which sounds odd but I am going through some terrifying symptons which are stress related.

Congratulate yourself you aren't married to him anymore. all his comments are bollocks and trying to upset you. Go out or invite someone round occasionally, get a consuming hobby like yourself ( I did project me style and beauty) or family history or something.
Get the dc interested in new things so they aren't upset if he drops them when married/ new baby.

I did/ do all the above and he ignored all of it and carries on. You have to chnage the dynamic so he can't get to you. It's not working yet:( but you have to do something.

Am I missing something here - he wants you to 'engage' at handovers 'for the sake of the children' - but the interaction they witness is him berating you? And if you refuse to respond he follows up with rants about your deiciencies as a parent? What about a one line response 'I will be civilised at handovers when you are', repeated 'broken record' style, with refusal to engage beyond that?
I also wondered, if the DC have ASD, are there any key workers/support workers in their lives, whose input could be modified to include being in your house when a pickup is due, and doing the handover?

Yes stress an definitely ake you I'll. It lowers the body's vibrational rate.

When the body's vibrational rate is lowered we are more open to illness and disease.

Everything vibrates. A healthy body vibrates at around 62 MHz. It only has to sink to 58 MHz for colds to come in. Here's some info here

Frequency Range

The body frequency in a ‘healthy’ person is of course different than someone who is not healthy.

A healthy human frequency is in the range of 62-72 Hz and when it drops to lower levels it is then subject to the frequency of various diseases. Colds and flus begin at a level of 58 Hz and below, while cancer appears at a frequency of 42 Hz.

Scientists have discovered that each illness has a different frequency which is always within a definite range. Therefore, in administering frequency treatment, unhealthy or diseased cells are cured by reacting to very precise levels of frequencies while healthy cells in that same area are not affected.

Laughter raises our body frequencies! Happy people have higher body frequencies, and for this reason are less prone to disease.

This was taken from this site

www.natural-health-zone.com/body-frequencies.html

I haven't had time to check it all out but instead of stressing about him put your energy into raising your vibrational rate

1 go for walks in nature.
2 look on you tube for solfeggio harmonic tones. I play these at bedtime. They help to raise our vibrational rate
3 essential oils are excellent in raising our VR. Rose oil vibrates at 320. It's expensive so I bought Dr Haushka rose oil in a carrier oil. I sniff it or rub In A drop at top of breast bone. Lavender vibrates at 118 so yes v good too.
4 crystals are good. Clear quartz gets rid of negative energy
5 i use Homeopathy It's a vibrational remedy
6 look at the work of Dr Edward Bach. His rescue and Bach flower remedies are all vibrational remedies designed to work on our emotions and moods. It's a complete system of 38 remedies andvery easy to master
7 look into orgonite. Excellent for removing negative energy. Wifi radiation etc find out more at www.orgonotica.com
8 switch off the TV. It's poison. Yes really! When you are feeling stressed and vulnerable you don't want to be seeing people blown up, hear about all the bad stuff, watch dramas where women are getting tortured, abused, murdered etc
9 eat fresh health giving food. Your body will thank you for it.
10 remember thoughts are living things ,make yours positive.
11 learn to meditate. Very calming. See all good things happening to you, coming your way
12 remember the laws of attraction. Think negatively and you attract negative feelings . Think positevely Nd your positive thoughts make you feel better. Think of yourself as a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis of a bad relationship but now you are free you can spread your wings and fly.

I've thrown a lot at you, but there's lots of ideas in there for further research to get you out of the cycle of negativity. It won't happen overnight. I'm still a work In progress but each small step you take is a step towards your greater well being

Just thought of another one . EFT. Emotional freedom technique. Simple to learn yet so easy and effective to use. Known as the taps. Paul McKenna uses it to help people with phobias of flying, spiders etc.

Something to look into when the telly is switched off!

Hth. You don't have to be stuck with anxiety and poor health.

Agree you don't have to talk to him or respond or answer your phone.

My friend had an ex like yours, he spent years trying to bully her but she took the control back when he left. She would only communicate by text, not phone or email and refused to meet him in person.

Any time he ever sent a text that wasn't about the children she would reply with - "your penis is very small".

She even warned him at the beginning that she would do this if he ever attempted to insult or goad her.

She only had to text those words 47 times before he gave up trying to be a cock

By doing this she made it bearable for her, she could keep control, and she had enough distance to find his texts amusing as she already had her answer ready.

Here is a link to Dr Mercola's website and EFT

eft.mercola.com/

The founder of EFT Gary Craig' website

www.emofree.com/

Laurie I think that's something I could definitely try.

I'm just trying to enjoy today and tomorrow while I don't have to hear from him. At least I get that time off.

That's very interesting Dower will take a look at those links.

I think I struggle so much with it all because HE is the one remarrying and moving on yet still seems to need to give me a hard time. That makes me so angry and that's why I struggle to remain detached from it all. How dare he do all the things he's done and still think that even now he gets to have a say and express his negative thoughts and opinions on me and my conduct. The things he says are so hurtful too. I read on another thread that when you deal with abusive people for a long period of time you internalise the things they say to you even when you think you're not and I know that has happened to me. It makes me question everything and not want to be around people he has told me hate me because he says such detailed things about what they've supposedly said about me and I know they probably have some truth in them before being exaggerated by him.

I'm just so tired and depressed by it all. Thanks for all your replies and experiences. Why do these men seem to think that they should have this kind of access to us when we have severed relationships with them? Is it the children we have together that gives them a sense of "ownership"? Will never understand this.

Yes he is the one remarrying which is why he's ramped it up.
He needs to be on his best behaviour for her or she'll see him for the abusive wanker he is and won't marry him.
So he needs to get all his abuse out and you are the target.
Once he's settled into his new marriage this may change.

But for now, this is the best advice I've seen on MN in a while. Absolutely do this. You'll feel so much better every time he texts something horrible.
Any time he ever sent a text that wasn't about the children she would reply with - "your penis is very small"
Please try it. As the PP said, it took 47 attempts before he stopped so it will take time, but keep going and hopefully you'll see the results soon enough.

You don't HAVE to be nice to him for the children's sake.
Stop engaging.
As soon as the text he sends looks even slightly like he's 'having a go' send the text response above and don't read any more of it.
You KNOW it's not true so stop reading his bullshit.

Don't delete them in case they ramp up and then you can report him to the police for harrassment. I'd probably call 101 right now and talk the DV unit and log it all and see what they say.

I also agree to going back to your GP.

Yes stress an definitely ake you I'll. It lowers the body's vibrational rate. When the body's vibrational rate is lowered we are more open to illness and disease.

Or... stress induces some form of response from the body. All sorts of cell signals and hormones will be running around. The heart rate increases, our muscles tense up, we spend more energy, and the body ultimately has trouble coping with prolonged stress. It behaves as if we are always in a dangerous situation and it is exhausting. Not only that, but energy is put into those responses instead of normal body functions, such as the immune system.

Actual scientific research on the links between stress and illness

Messages from him trigger learned responses (as in the Pavlov dog, really), as in a stress response, and often they don't have to be nasty for you to feel the stress. It happens with most contact from my ex, particularly when we have an issue.
It has got better as I have removed most sources of stress in relation to him. Scheduled contact, not responding or reading immediately. And not rising to the baits.

OP - everything he says is bollocks. Everything.

You must try and detach and not take on anything that he comes out with. It's just continued abuse. It's meaningless.

I think the most important thing is to emotionally disengage from him. Is he playing on your insecurities - that you are unlikeable/unlovable? When you don't care what he thinks he can't 'hook' into you. I had tried to remain amicable with my ex but finally switched off when he spoke to me in a really sneering nasty way and I realised that I wouldn't speak to a dog like that. He behaved better after that because he sensed the change. I had been reading about abusive behaviour so had a lightbulb moment. It's him - not you. I do tend to think that dysfunctional family backgrounds cause us to put up with crap - we are the walking emotionally wounded and we don't recognise negativity as quickly (or walk away from it) because we are used to it at home.

Be civil and polite at handovers and look for different ways to handle it. I used to find being physically busy with housework useful or being in the bathroom getting ready to go out so having conversation through a locked door. Aim to be able to go 'no contact' while in the same room - a useful skill to have (comes in handy at work!). Go for a lie down if unwell, pretend you are acting in a film, or hum a tune that inspires you that you will get through this. Have fun with it - he is a joy sucking twat so make it a priority to get fun into your life. Do things/hobbies you like - what makes you 'you'.

Pick your battles. If he wants to speak to the children or skype them if it's a convenient time then let him. OK is all you need to say. If it's not convenient tell him when it is and if he complains ask him if he wants to interrupt their homework, bathtime, meal etc. You are the full time parent and you are the one in charge - facilitate child contact but don't let him boss you about. Explain once and don't argue. 'We will just have to agree to differ' is a great phrase for non-engaging when he tries to wind you up. If he starts ranting in texts then DON'T READ THEM! You are not obliged to you know - just delete them at first sign of abuse and let him know ONCE only that you will refuse to read them. Whenever he is horrible to you - be nice to yourself, treat yourself, be good to you and this will build your self esteem.

Dowser that was a very interesting post but I do think its hard not to be negative when life or people surrounding you just ARE negative and are having an influence on your life and often seem to get a free or easy ride through life while you get to deal with all the crap. Life seems very unfair and biased towards the total gits sometimes. I think I prefer being honest about that and accepting and feeling the negativity and giving myself time to process it than a fake positivity.

Epic post OP (off work!) hope you find something in it to help - and yes I do think stress can make you ill:)

Store his name as 'ASSHOLE' on your phone. I did it ages ago with my ex and it reminds me every time I get a message or call not to take it seriously and it still makes me smile.

Sounds like my ex. One of the things I struggle with is how I managed to marry such an arsehole in the first place. He left me for OW but even now years later texts pointing out all my faults, how glad he is he left etc. I wouldn't dream of doing this to him as just why do that? It's all goady and also he likes to make out any man who ever met me would leave as soon as they realised how awful I truly am
It's very hard, on top of the stresses and strains of being an lp, to cope with ongoing unreasonableness, and to prevent dcs being affected etc.
So no advice but you have my sympathy and there's clearly a theme with these type of men