Alcoholism

[BabybearandMolly]

Hi everyone

I'm new here, I've been in and out a few times being nosy but I just wanted to post to see if any one is going through anything similar or can relate?

The father of my 4 month old baby girl (Molly) is a recovering alcoholic. By recovering I mean that he goes to AA regularly and has cut drinking out of his life.

When he has a drink he can't stop and drinks vodka constantly day and night until he collapses...then when he wakes up and starts all over again...This can go on solidly for about 3 weeks at a time.

He is well most of the time but he has the occasional slip (which is supposed to be part of recovery)However he hasn't had one of these binges for about 10 months until vey recently. Obviously this is the first time this has happened since we have had Molly and although everything is pretty back to normal I am torn apart inside.

I got a new job about 5 weeks ago and although I thought I would hate it, I really enjoyed it because I started to make friends again, people who wanted to occasionally go out so therefore I had a once-in-a-blue moon socail life and I had some money again. The jobs was quite good and it was great to have some money in my pocket for a change after relying for months on statory maternity pay.

My job was at the weekend and Nick normally looks after her during this time

My partners mother is a complete dragon and refused to help me point blank at this hard time and the last thing she said to me was with Nick as Molly's father, she shoudl be put into social services.

You can imagine how this made me feel. My own parents are really nasty too so I had no one who coudl really help so I frankly explained the situation to my boss, asking for the weekend off and she sacked me! (Kick a dog when she's down!) She said she wanted someone reliable and obviously having a baby made me unreliable! There's ntohing I can do about this because I was on a trail period.

Now I am looking for another job but I'm having no luck...there is nothing with part time weekend hours.

I now feel I have no life, no friends and no money. I just fee I a sitting at hoem all day, having to live on benefits (I don't even know if I'm entitleds to them yet) and all I have to look forward to is Nick coming home...just to have someone to talk to.

And all this time I can't help but worry worry worry about when the next drinking binge will happen and also about money. He spends to much when he has a slip and I don't have a job any more.

I really really love my partner and could imagaine being without him because when he's well he's a fantasic person, a brilliant daday (extremely hands on) amnd very loving to us both.

It goes without saying that I am sick with worry about have this effects Molly. I hate her seeing her beloved daddy like this.

I normally bounce back really quickly after one of her sessions but it's been nearly 2 weeks since he's been better and I am just so low. I just can't seem to drag myself out of bed these days.

Sorry to go on

Love,
Jo (and Molly) x

It sounds like life is terrifically hard for you right now. I wish I could help, I cant really but wanted to say I hope you can find your way through this.

Have you tried Al-Anon (I think that is what it is called) for support?

Where abouts do you live?

my partner gave up drinking 12 years ago with AA.I have decided not to use a different name as I am proud of him rather than ashamed Feel free to e mail me as I have years of experience of this hang in there there is hope

I cannot offer a great deal of practical advice, but I can sympathise. If he's going to AA, can you go to the relatives' group?

And is working during the week, with paid childcare, an option?

It's been a long long time since I got myself and my kids out of a similar situation. Your post has just brought it all back to me. I was 23 when I got out and would not be the woman I am today, and my kids would not be the well-adjusted young adults they are, if I had stayed. Their dad is now 40, and hasn't changed at all. He is - deep down - a kind and gentle man (as are most alcoholics),and another very lovely young woman fell in love with him and married him and had a child with him. She too ended up divorcing him because of his alcoholism.
Have you been to Alanon? They can be very helpful - but do tend to soldier on martyrlike with 'detachment' when imo they should have a bit more respect for themselves and thought for their children's futures.
Message me privately for any further help.

Yeah I tried AL-anon but I seem to have this denial mechinism where when everything is ok I feel like I don't need al-anon (really stupid I know) and I just really seem to lack to get up and go and the moment to do anything.

Also going to the group meetings means I have to rely on Nick to look after Molly and I just don't want to stress him out any more then he already is. He already has her 2 evenings a week when I go to step aerobics class and I don't want to push my luck, as stress seems to be the trigger for him.

I know most would just say leae him and logically it does seem to be the only way but to me it's just UTTERLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY unimaginable. I don't have much self confidence and I don't think I would be able to function without him.

Urrrgg sorry, erally must snap out of tis and stop feeling sorry for myself! x

Hi Babybearandmolly

How are you today? The loss of your job must have been a terrible blow, as from your description it really boosted your self esteem. And not to be able to call on either your own or your partner's parents is hard. Have you got any old friends that you can talk to, ones that know you well? Have you made any new friends since Molly was born? What is your HV like, or could you talk to your GP? You sound so isolated, and feeling like you can't get of bed is awful, I know. I wish I could help. You know of my situation from my post, and at first I felt like I wanted to hide under the covers all day - I found that running a hot bath with lavender oil, before dd got up, helped me make the transition from warm womb like bed to cold miserable day! I had to time it carefully - and make sure dd had milk, a story tape, books and a couple of toys in the cot just before I jumped in, and it was never quite long enough, but it did help. And I have become more proactive about contacting people to make sure that I have things planned to do. But tbh the job thing is what struck me most in your post. Don't give up hope on that front (and mabye don't be honest next time you need time off....).

Do post again, I really want to know if you are OK.

Hi again - still wondering how you are getting on. Hope you are oK.

Hi Babybearandmolly, I wish I had wise words for you. I'm afraid I don't, but I wanted to welcome you to mumsnet and I hope you find the help and support here that you need. There are clearly people here who know what you're going through and can help - please let them. (And good for you Noddy5, sounds like he deserves your pride, well done both of you.)

Keep posting and good luck.

Hi BabybearandMolly
How are things today - I lost my bf for a long time due her husband's alcholism but glad to say that Al-anon has been her saviour and we are now friends again. Xmas can be a bad time - hope things are good.