i dont know how to help her (is a bit long but so hard to explain)

[jamieboo]

I am still fairly new here, and have had this problem for a month or so now and after seeing some of the help everyone on here has offered other people I thought this might be the best place to start.
My sister is a very friendly funny and common sensed 20 year old. We have all recently been given a blow about two close family members, one whom she is very close too who is battling cancer and might not live very much longer. This in itself is enough to make us all upset? but my sister has been through a little more. She has put on a brave face but I recently heard her crying and have been told that she is breaking down at work and spending all her free days alone, coming home and then saying she has been looking for jobs and a car when I know she hasn?t.
It is so hard to explain, she is always the bubbly one who cheers everyone up. She was bullied at school and ignored by teachers but got through it, she then spent a year working and met a fantastic guy who she fell in love with and did a secretarial course and we are all so proud of her. In April she broke up with said boyf after nearly 2 years. She still loved him and still does, she felt that they needed to concentrate on their own careers and spend some time apart as they were both holding each other back. He took it very badly and hasn?t spoken to her since. She thought about getting back with him a month ago and a lot of her friends went out so she was going to talk to him, but he was completely drunk (he doesn?t drink) and dancing with a girl. She was so upset she went home and heard that he slept with this girl, and is now going out with her since. She stayed with us last week and she cried herself to sleep every night? She said recently he is a different guy and she hates this new guy, he is not the man she is still in love with. She bottles most of this all up and says she is fine but I have no idea how to help her. I know she isn?t ok, I can see this fantastic girl retreating back into her old shell alone and broken and she won?t let me in to help her. How can I get through to her?

She has been the bubbly one for so long and now all these horrible things have happened to her. She is becoming depressed and I expect lots of people are saying, 'depressed, not you?' The pressure is on her to be bubbly.

I think the best way you can help her is to keep telling her that she's under no obligation to be bubbly when she's with you, that you love her for herself whether or not she is bubbly, that she is only human and you'd be amazed if she was feeling very happy at this moment in her life. Give her plenty of opportunities to offload on you. Offer to go to the GP with her. Just be there for her, and make sure she knows you are.

And tell her, from someone with a history of depression, that it does get better.

Hi Jamieboo welcome to MN.

You could try the direct approach with her. Sit her down and tell how worried you are about her. You've heard she isn't doing the thing she is saying she's doing. Tell her you will help her in anyway you can.
Do you think she might need to see her GP ?

thanks for the responses, and i think she should talk to the GP. But should I force her? what if she doesnt want to go?
i have always been there for her, we have always been very close. and she knows she cant get away with not telling me what is wrong, and she always does tell me whats going on. its just after when she explains its the oh so common sigh.. and then the words 'but im ok/fine about it.'

You can't force her to go, and indeed I wouldn't advise you force her. But I wouldn't accept the 'I'm fine about it' either. I wonder what she would say if you asked her what 'Not being fine about it' would entail?

Point out that her smile has disappeared, people have noticed she is not her usual 'bubbly' self, and that everyone loves her and wants to give support. But the most helpful thing of all is to go to the doctor and let a professional give his advice.

thanks anorak.
can i ask though, i mean i know that i have to help her asap, but does it sound like depression or even the beginnings of it?
she became very low before she met her ex. but then suddenly she was back and i think she is realising only now that he was a sort of support for her which she hasnt got anymore. but yet she wont let anyone be her support not even me iyswim. even though i am there and she can see i am offering help she wont take it.
i am seeing her later, so i will talk to her again and say about going to the GP. she might be reluctant but i think she will go.. she knows i think that she needs maybe some professional help.

Yes it does sound like the beginning of depression to me.

And it is not a weakness to get professional help for depression. Sometimes people feel it is and it puts them off from going. But it makes sense to use the resources available to manage your depression, that way you can still function, you deal with your problems by getting through them instead of trying to go round them. You unravel complicated feelings inside yourself so those knots won't come back in the future and make you ill again. It makes sense.