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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When ending a relationship doesn't make you single....

24 replies

CastleOfDoug · 09/11/2014 15:41

I have been married nearly 15 years, with 2 primary aged children.

Rightly, or wrongly, I have been having a relationship with a married man for the last 3 years.

The back story to this is not really the main point of the thread, but I never felt guilty about it. My dh, quite frankly, deserves it, and my marriage may well be over anyway.

His marriage obviously wasn't in a happy place either. We gradually started spending more & more time together, and we built up a very close and meaningful relationship.

We've talked about leaving and being together. I don't think he will ever do it. He has too much to lose.

I have therefore, made the decision to end our relationship. I've agonised over it because I truly love the man and believe that we would be very happy together in different circumstances.

I've asked him not to contact me at all. We sometimes have work-related contact, and I've asked him to rearrange things so that this no longer happens.

This is all because I believe it is 'for the best'. My heart however, is breaking. I miss him so much. I have never felt so 'right' with someone before, and I don't expect to ever find it again.

It's going to take me a long time to get over and I doubt I will ever forget him. How on earth do I get through it whilst keeping up the facade of a contented family life?
(Yes, my marriage may be over anyway, but that's not something I can think about dealing with in practical terms right now. I have to keep going for the kids).

OP posts:
carlsonrichards · 09/11/2014 15:47

And this is the most you have to worry about? Some guy? Wow. Some people lead such charmed lives they are able to remain immature drama llamas well into adulthood. This never ceases to amaze me.

flanjabelle · 09/11/2014 15:49

Good luck with this op it isn't going to go very well.

You don't want this heartbreak? Don't fuck someone else's husband.

VanitasVanitatum · 09/11/2014 15:50

Shit.. Tin hat time..

AuntieStella · 09/11/2014 15:59

" my marriage may well be over anyway "

This is vitally important. Your are not going to be happy whilst this is true.

I think you need to end your marriage,a nd then you will be free to seek the future that you want. It is not fair to continue to deceive your H by pretending your marriage is adequate.

Finola1step · 09/11/2014 16:03

Leave your marriage.
Find someone who isn't married.
Yes it's blunt, but sometimes blunt is best. There's no wrapping this up in a nice package.

BuzzardBird · 09/11/2014 16:06

Not sure many hearts are going to bleed for you on here chuck

Trills · 09/11/2014 16:13

What are you hoping to get out of this thread?

theHowlatWooooooCorner · 09/11/2014 16:16

The way to deal with it is to start building some self respect. You will only get that once you've ended your marriage.

AuntieStella · 09/11/2014 16:18

She wants to know how to get through it whilst maintaining a facade of family life.

But so far, posters seem to think that is nigh on impossible and that the next step needs to be ending the marriage that OP describes as dead from her POV. Whatever the logistics of the DC, this can be achieved.

In short, ditch the facade too.

ravenmum · 09/11/2014 16:42

You've had plenty of practice at lying to your husband and children over the last 3 years, at the same time as maintaining the facade of contented family life. Why would you be worried that you can't continue that now you don't have all that bother of arranging meetups etc?

You can also console yourself with the thought that this man was a cheat who preferred an unhappy marriage to being with you, so you're probably well shot of him.

mynewpassion · 09/11/2014 16:51

Agreed. You pretended for 3 years. Continue doing so.

NamesNick · 09/11/2014 16:56

you have been keeping up the facade OP.
just keep doing what you are doing but instead of the sneaky smiles/texts/moments of elation that you have been hiding....you need to do that with your grief.

you know how to hide things from your family. seems you have had practice.

your h may well deserve this in your opinion, what about this mans wife? maybe she deserves it? Hmm

just keep playing the role...this time the script is a little less entertaining

NamesNick · 09/11/2014 16:57

x post with ravenmum

ComradePlexiglass · 09/11/2014 17:43

Sorry to hear things are so difficult. I've never had an affair but I can totally understand how people fall into seeking sex, love and intimacy with others in certain circumstances. But living this kind of emotionally dishonest, double life is terribly stressful and upsetting, I suspect, especially when you are feeling broken hearted and have nowhere to express that. I agree with the others that it sounds like your marriage is huge trouble and it will be nigh on impossible for you to feel happier until you address this honestly with your husband and, probably, break up with him, given that it appears that things have hit rock bottom with him and there is nothing left to salvage. It all sounds very complicated and like there is very little space for you to think things through and discuss your situation and feelings with anyone. I would suggest getting some therapy. Ask your GP about referring you to IAPT or refer yourself or, if you have the funds, find someone private. You could try looking here for someone in your area. You probably need to talk it all through, mourn the losses you have suffered - your husband, your lover, maybe other losses from childhood?- work out how you really feel and who you really are, who the important people in your life are and how you can be your true self with them. Good friends are wonderful for helping with this but therapists can be less judgmental whilst also more challenging and objective and more able to give you the regular time you need, ime.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/11/2014 17:48

Your husband deserves it?! Cheek. NOBODY deserves it.

You are clearly a master of deceit so you'll have no problem continuing to lie to your husband.Or you could do the decent thing and let him go and find someone who actually loves him.

Itsfab · 09/11/2014 17:48

"Rightly or wrongly?" Having an affair is never right.

Op, think about it, you could be fucking a Mumsnetter's husband, someone you call a friend on here, someone you have sent or received a Secret Santa gift from.

It is not true love with this other guy. He values his wife and kids before you. You are just a guaranteed shag on the side.

Advise your husband to divorce you and live a single life for a while.
Your children should come first.

Bogeyface · 09/11/2014 18:05

Well I am glad that you took the advice on your other thread and dumped MM, sadly your attitude to your DH hasnt changed.

Does he deserve it? Or are you, as I suggested on the other thread, following The Script and casting him as a bad guy simply to justify your lies and cheating for the last three years?

Now you have got rid of this guy you may find the problem in your marriage is not your DH after all.....

Wrapdress · 09/11/2014 18:23

Part of the deal with being involved with married men is that it's private and not to be discussed at all for any reason with anyone. You don't get an empathic ear from a friend when it's bumpy. You don't get sympathy when it's over. You don't get to share joy when it's good. It's just part of the deal. You cope with your grief internally, in your own mind. Period. No one wants to hear about it. It's just the way it is. (And something to consider in the future!)

This is also true for closeted gay people. You suffer a breakup, but can't tell anyone you just broke up. You can't get support in your grief as no one knew you were even in a relationship in the first place.

It's just the nature of the beast in both situations. You just carry on as if nothing happened.

duckwalk · 09/11/2014 19:34
RainbowMamaDarling · 09/11/2014 20:52

Oh Castle I fear this thread is not going to make you feel better....... It is tricky to have sympathy or empathy when cheating is at the heart of the problem.

However, it seems to me that the deceit and facade are the biggest problems you face? You can't feel the grief and sorrow outwardly and that is what you are asking for help with....... Like it or not, the heart of your problems is that you are living a lie. Your affair and your marriage. At some point you need to face it all. Seems tough but people leave unhappy marriages every day and the kids do fine. Not easy but seems inevitable.

Fairenuff · 09/11/2014 22:05

Another one here who doesn't see how it will be hard for you to keep up a facade, you are an expert at that surely? Confused

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/11/2014 22:08

I don't understand...why can't you leave him?

Headspaceneeded · 09/11/2014 22:10

I have sent you a pm.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 09/11/2014 22:13

Why are you staying with a husband who is undeserving of you?

Have you thought about telling your husband? Might it clear the air and help you assess your relationship honestly, even if it eventually means going your separate ways>

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