Anyone live with parents? Driving you nuts?

[bigbluestars]

I try to get along but sometimes it is just not working. How do you cope living with parent/s? I miss private time with my OH. Tips please.

I am overwhelmed by the support and practical suggestions on this thread. Thanks so much everyone, I was feeling a little selfish for feeling this way, but you have made me feel a lot better.

wrapdress- "Mother starts talking to me about people I don't even know the second I walk in the back door from work - incessant talking, details about her co-workers that means nothing to me - on and on and on and on. Follows me room to room"

That made me smile - I know that wasn't your intention- this is my mother to a tee. My mother is particulary good at following my OH ( We are not married wallbox) around the house- she is of the old school who defers to men.

Wrapdress I am sorry you are finding life stressfull. I really empathise. I sounds horribly cruel but I sometimes think that my actions will lessen my grief when my mother's life is over. Maybe a horrible way of looking at it, but for my mother to have her twilight years in a warm, safe and peaceful home surrounded by family must be lovely for her.

Oh god, big. I'm sorry I was blunt, I obviously completely misread the situation and thought you were living with your parents in their home.

I agree with PP in you having to be more assertive. You don't want to feel resentful for the next however many years, especially once you get to the stage where the DC would be out at uni (or wherever) and you and OH still get no time to yourselves in your own home.

No problem gobby- I see it was an easy assumption to make. Thanks for coming back. X

If your mother is 'of the old school', why not try getting your OH to announce the family is not doing grace anymore?

£100 a month is not covering her use of amenities, electricity, gas, council tax etc. Again a patriarchal announcement that money is tight and more than £100 is needed could help.

Personally I think it is pretty poor show that your DM didn't offer you the £300 straight away. I think she is taking advantage of your good nature and guilt and walking all over you.

If it was a man or a younger person doing it ppl would be coming on here and saying that she is being financially abusive. I see no difference quite frankly.

OP when you were a teen did your DM ever trot out the line "while you live in my house you live by my rules" Its funny how quick this gets forgotten later on.

And the way she moans at your teens OP is simply not on. Its their family home too. These are their carefree years and they are not going to get them back. And if its not a religious house then she shouldnt be forcing it on people.

Its subtle bullying IMO.

Thanks kundry. My OH has a very low squirm factor. I find it so hard to ask my mother for cash- I know that is my problem, and I have dropped very heavy hints, but that is not working. My mother and I have never had the best of relationships, but how can I see an old, lonely and vulnerable person having yet another lonely winter.

She has been a widow for 30 years and lived alone for that time, always had plenty contact with us, days out xmas day etc, but she was finding life increasingly difficult- day to day bills, home maintanance etc. I could not see it in my heart to cast her off.

Bigblue. I think you are doing a wonderful thing and I can perfectly see why life can be a bit difficult. I agree that if it were possible a separate living area would be ideal but I know not always possible.

It's always difficult living with other people and adjustments need to be made in both sides and this includes your mother. She needs to be aware you need time as a couple and some privacy. Some boundaries need to be set. Maybe she comes down for her meals and stays for an hour and then leaves you and DH for some time together.

I think you do need to talk to your mother about the money side and also about creating friction with your teens. It's not really acceptable, especially the hearing bill. Hints haven't worked so it has to be straight talking.

She must be able to go shopping weekly if she's only giving you £25 per week. She doesn't need the winter allowance for that.

This is where your sister comes in, tbh. She should say, "Hey mum, I've been reading that pensioners are getting a winter heating allowance. Is that true? OP will find that really useful, with having to have the heating on all day."

Could you and your husband go out once a week on your own, leaving her with the children?

Are you at home with her all day?

You really have been wonderfully selfless.

Can I just throwing something Into the mix. Please keep a notebook of all financial contributions your mum has made to this house ( presuming she has). Every penny you take off her, do record.

Should your mum need to go into care in her later stages and need help with the funding of it the LA ( local authority) will want to know where her money has gone.

Legitimate expenses should not cause a problem, after all if she was living in her own home council tax, food, heating, phone, gas and electric would all have to be deducted.

A family I knew took in the father. He sold his house. He contributed to the house, helped grandson with university fees and so forth. The mans son gave up his job to help him. After a fall the family struggled on but couldn't manage any longer and the old man had to go to a care home till he
Assed away. I'm not kidding the LA pursued this family for £30,000. The son was very lucky to get back his old job. It was just awful. It was all done in good faith. The family expected the old man to have his last days with them. In the 18 months he lived there the loss in revenue to the family was colossal

So please do cover your backs if it looks like mum is staying till what you hope is the end. It's such a worrying time for families when they do such generous things for their parents and then are treated like criminals.

Slightly off topic I know but just wanted to warn you..

I live with my parents - but also my grandmother, DMs mum. She is also 80s - i think 'older' than your DM, she can't manage at all, and physically cannot go out alone etc. It helps that she goes to others a day a week - just one day that your DM could stay with a friend maybe - in the diary, and brutally enforced?

What worked with her day to day was repeated reminders that she doesn't run this house. Occasionally DM would have to get pretty sharp with her over it "i was doing xyz before you were born" -" well you are not capable of doing it any more mum" has been said more than once . She won't be told kindly sometimes, parents are used to be the ones doing the telling!

Coming out and saying "Mum, i don't need to be involved in everything you do, i need me time, and so does OH" a few times will hopefully help. As will "that's not what we do here, Mum" on repeat for the grace etc - allowed from your kids too, in reason. I have had to tell DGM to step back before. She might be my grandmother, I love her dearly but she really doesn't get to tell me what to wear, or to tell me off for ' letting' my husband make me a cup of coffee after a long shift.

If she defers to the male head of the household, then your OH has to step up - she will also be less angry at him as he is not her daughter - he is male, so right by definition, and a step away, she didn't raise him so won't feel he has the obligation - my DGM is far more grateful to my DF for letting her live with us, than DM for doing the actual looking after, and she will listen to him over anyone else. And she needs to give you the fuel allowance for starters!

Good luck -it is really hard to live with the previous generation

dowser, thanks for that info. I do know my mother's income. She has in excess of £1000 a month in attendance allowance, small pension, ex service widows allownace, state pension etc. She gives me £100 a month.

I know- I should ask for more- but it is so bloody hard. My sis ( who lives abroad) constantly asks her for money. Her latest request is for £20K = she has suggested it should be an early inheritance-, so Mum is being a little vulnerable when it comes to requests for money.

WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT Your sister is taking the fucking piss.

big, thanks for being nice. I felt like a right arse once I'd come back and seen what situation you were in.

Would it be an idea to look at sheltered accommodation with a different perspective (from what I understand it's not somewhere people go to shut off and die anymore), but maybe get power of attorney over your DMs assets?

gobby, power of attorney would be an option, but my mother is fully sentient. She wouldn't want me to have control over her finances.

bigbluestars Well worth setting POA up before you need it. When my father died I set it up for mum. It's called Lasting Power of Attorney now and you can do it yourself or pay a solicitor. As long as you register it it doesn't have to be used until you need it.
I suggested to her that if we did it while she was fit and well we could put it away and it would be there to use if she was taken ill. She'd had a mild stroke so could see the possibility was there.

You will just have to have a conversation about paying more for her keep, especially if she is considering giving you sister 20K or anything for that matter

Could you organise some days out at a centre so she can meet and chat to people during the day? Age concern can be very helpful.

I feel like I've opened a can of worms but I think you are leaving yourself very vulnerable big blue.

As your mum is quite a bit older than I'd first envisaged the future may be where she needs full time care.

At just £1000 a month she barely has enough for two weeks stay. Homew where I live pan out at about £450-£500 a week, in other areas then you can add at least another £250 per week.

So, she would need a top up of fees. That comes either from the sale of her home, or from other properties or savings that she might have or from the LA.

If you have less than £23,500 then you can have have help from LA which is where you need to be upfront about mums finances. If your mum would be completely self funding then you don't have to go down this route but as her primary carer big blue which is what you would become should she start needing care you really need that LPA.

Again, I'll tell you why. If your mum loses capacity ie has a severe stroke and is no longer able to control her finances then someone has too. The state can step in or you apply to be your mums deputy . It's a long and very expensive process costing well over £1000 and from that day every penny you spend on your mum has to be recorded and then each year you fill in a very detailed form that you need the brains of an accountant.

I think you need to sit with mum. Get the LPA forms and have the talk. This is what we are going to do blah, blah. Believe me, you DO NOT want to become a deputy. If ever you need to register the LPA it forms it costs £120 and you have a lot less hassle.

LA's have a lovely tuRn of phrase ....it's called deprivation of assets. What your mum does in her earlier years with her finances is up to your mum, but once they get into late 70's and 80's and elderly old age is on the horizon it all becomes a different ball game. You need to protect yourself. Especially if your mum is very generous to your sister. You might need to have the talk with your sister as well.

I know you started this thread as you felt your private time has been eroded but I'm glad you raised it because so many people start out like you big blue and end up in horribly stressful and financially difficult situations.

Some better boundaries in the home might be the answer. Maybe make your own bedroom like a sitting room and say to your mum we are going upstairs to watch a film. Maybe see if there are social clubs mum can go to because if she does start to fail you will be glad of some sort of daycare and at least she will be used to going to them.