Bitter, twisted and angry - leaving a H with NPD

[suspiciousandsad]

I think H has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I prefer the term cunt myself. Except cunts are nice, with warmth and depth and actually have a good purpose in the world.

Many moons ago I posted on here about what a sleazy, cheating husband he is. I didn't leave. I wasn't ready, we had only just got married, moved to a new city 200 miles away, the children were small and the whole situation was compromising my mental health.

4 years on I am stronger and showing him the door. He still doesn't get it. "Aren't you over that yet?" and 'We both need to work at this' "We both need trust" "I need affection, and you aren't giving me any" and other such classics in the collection.

He admitted to sleeping with a couple of prostitutes, chasing women at work, god only knows what else. We all know that they only admit to a fraction of the crime anyway.

He's told me he 'curbed his narcissism for 7 years'. We've been together 14. Married for 4. He met someone on his stag go. he stayed in touch. Apparently she is STILL in touch. He had a 'thing' with a stranger in the street. oh I could go on. He has told me he is 'scared of getting old, of not being a player'. He is a 50 yo father of 4.

Do you get the picture?

If he is a narc then relate won't be able to help you. He lives in a different version of reality. Don't pin any hopes on it helping him understand - seriously.

That's all really helpful, thank you. Yes I have everything financial to hand so going to scan and photocopy.

I take on board what you say about Relate. I really want help finding the words to tell the DCs.

He is messing with my head.

He's telling me I'm wrong. I don't know what I am talking about,mI want to split, not him. HE hasn't given up on us, I have..... Arghhhh!

I remember you. I am glad to see some entirely justified anger at him from you.

He'll never "get" it. Just ignore the white noise and push forward with your plans to get this fucking waste of oxygen out of your life.

No joint/Relate counselling

Not now, not ever. That would be a massive mistake.

Good luck OP. I'm glad you are angry at this nobber. You should be, he sounds terrible. Just remember, you don't need his permission nor his validation of your reasons to leave. You are a person in your own right and if you don't want to stay in this relationship then you don't have to. Please don't waste time trying to convince him that he is wrong, he won't accept it and say sorry. People like him never do unless there is something in it for them.

Thanks. According to him most men don't have a problem paying for sex. We haven't had sex in years. Because I would demand it "like some Queen Ape" and then he hated it which is why he couldn't do it with me.

And later when I said "did you call me Queen Ape because I'm fat and hairy? It's really hurt my feelings" he replied "good. I'm glad" followed by " I was only joking".

You see, it's because I talk to him this way allegedly. Even if I did (which I don't) it wouldn't be because I'd made a conscious effort to. As he has.

We were doing the school pick up, smiling so the cracks don't show.

Thanks you misstiggy, I am trying not to get lost in all this.

Anyfucker, I'm glad you remember me. Thank you for coming back. We have a mutual friend in the RL TSC.

When I post under the Suspiciousandsad persona it's not me, it's part of what is happening right now, but it's not who I am. I know it's the damaged part of me created by H. I think it's temporary but some days I'm not sure.

When I'm through this I will post in my usual name (not that I will expect anyone to know me as have been off here for a while). I look forward to saying goodbye to Suspiciousandsad.

"Most men don't have a problem paying for sex ?"

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he. But he is wrong, if you preface "men" with "decent"

Lovey, why are you doing family things together. Send him on his own to do school pick up, or do it yourself.

We have a mutual friend in the RL TSC.

Gosh, do we ? I don't remember your other name, I remember your situation. Post how you like, love. But please carry on detaching from him. This is so far from a cosy family set up to be off the planet. Don't engage at all.

See, we've not told the kids yet. I am all for waiting until he has a place sorted out so we can tell them and he can prepare to leave. I want to tell them now, but he is away a lot and I don't want them thinking "is he coming back?"

Also I am helping him find somewhere. I will order the white goods, build the furniture, set up the Sky account etc. because it will take five times as long if I leave it to him. I am not holding out for him.

I really feel we have to remain civil and put on a front. We can still have good times together with the children as a family just not as a couple.

I need to get him sorted and that will mean I will have headspace again. It's playing the long game I guess. Emotionally I detached long ago, had one foot out of the door for the last few years. We have childrens birthdays coming up - significant ones - and I don't want mummy and daddy splitting up to be their memory of it.

I am looking forward to the day I can disengage. It's not just yet. I'm I'm too precarious a position financially as well. Need just to hold on a little longer, get all the jobs in the house done. I am actually 'getting my house in order'.

Keep on keeping on

But your post of 13:10 tells me that you are not as detached as you should be.

And that's why I posted. I know it's what he, and those like him, do. Give me just enough to wonder 'could this the time he changes?'.

It isn't that he's trying to win me back. He's trying to make me feel so shit about myself that I am too weak to see this through.

Such a nasty piece of work.

I printed and kept my last threads of 2010. In a folder with the 'timeline of shame'. By the end of my story the solicitor was overwhelmingly of the opinion, that yes indeed, he is a complete arsehole.

Your solicitor is spot on and so are you

When I post under the Suspiciousandsad persona it's not me, it's part of what is happening right now, but it's not who I am. I know it's the damaged part of me created by H. I think it's temporary but some days I'm not sure.

The real you is waiting in the wings, wanting to emerge and start her new life. Divorce this narc fucker and let the real you come to life. She's there waiting for you, when you get to the other side.

I think she is. I really do.

Thank you for telling me that.

I think it'll be New Year realistically. But I will get there.

He was texting AW (another woman) last thing last night and she apologised first thing this morning but her DP was asking who she was texting. I looked at his phone. Lots of 'xxxx'.

It's irrelevant really. Doesn't make me feel anything. Not anger, or hurt. I feel pity. Pity for him that he is so shallow and predictable.