granny ignoring parental requests

[monkey]

Please help!

I had a very difficult & miserable childhood with an agressive & plain bonkers sister who made my life a misery every minute I was with her. She has always hated me & been totally vile to me. She has not spoken to me for nearly 4 years. She did not congratulate me on either of my pregnancies or births, she sent no present for the babies and has never sent either of my children a Christmas or birthday card. She ignored the invitation to the baptism.

The problem is my mother. Despite her pretty poor parenting of us, I have tried hard to have a friendly and warm adult relationship. This can be difficult as she is totally unapproachable with problems or issues of any sort, but I try.

I have asked her time & time again to keep my sister & I separate. If she is in touch & friends with her, then that's her business, but I don't want her talking to her about me or my children. Until she's ready to treat me in a civil way then I son't want anything to do with her. She has hurt me too much over the years.

Anyway, time & time again my mum has told my sister about me, and I have got angry about it, but that's all. Now I feel we've reached the final straw. I live a long way away from 'home' . Last week dh went home with ds without me for a visit & stayed at his parents. I knew mum was going to pop in to see ds.

I found out after they got back that mum had turned up with my sister, and she didn't discuss it with me at all. I am so mad mad mad! My sister didn't say 1 word to my boy (this doesn't surprise me) I just feel so angry that mum has yet again ignored my wishes that she should even be allowed anywhere near him & for her to think she can be so mean to a little toddler.

Sorry, I'm loosing the plot! Does anyone have any words of advice on this? I mean, what can I say or do to my mum to convince her to stop involving my sister in my life against my wishes. She brings me nothing but misery and pain, and now she's starting to do it to my children too.

I haven't spoken to mum yet, but I have sent her a stroppy e-mail. Saying she can never see her grandchildren again is way to extreme but what on earth can I say or do to stop this infernal woman (my sister) getting near us, or more importantly my beloved children, especially if I'm not there? How can I have trust & confidence in them visiting granny without me ever again? I feel really let down by my mum and powerless and angry.

Thanks for listening!

monkey I don't have any advice but you are right to be mad - your Mum should respect your wishes and this is way out of order. If I were you I would tell my mum that she couldn't see the kids alone until she promised to do things your way. You are their mother, you make the rules, simple as that. I'll be thinking about you - do let us know how you get on.

Monkey, how awful for you. You are quite understandably angry when your Mother knows the situation between you and your sister. Has she replied to your email yet? You probably have done in your email, but ask her why your sister went along - if it was at your Mother's suggestion then it's pretty insensitive to your feelings and past requests but maybe your sister insisted on going and your Mother wasn't strongwilled enough to say no, or your sister gave the impression she genuinely wanted to see her nephew and your Mother was fooled. It is pretty harsh as you say to forbid your Mother from seeing your children, can you give her another chance? Maybe when the dust has settled and you feel calmer you can phone her and say in no uncertain terms that your sister is to have no contact with your children when they are staying with their Gran, it is upsetting you too much. You are willing for her sake to give it another go but if she can't guarantee your sister won't be around then maybe your Mother should just visit you instead. It's a difficult situation to be in, I really feel for you having had such a terrible time with your sister, and I do hope in years to come it can be resolved. Good luck.

Monkey, If your mother has never respected your wishes in the past then she is hardly going to start now.
Therefore as far as I can see you have 2 options, 1 never let your mother see your children again - which means that your children would have to miss out, or 2 only let them see your mother when you are around.

Monkey: what an awful situtation...unfortunately, I think at this point, as sister says, your mother is not going to change, regardless of how many e:mails, phone calls, etc. you make.

I think seeing your mother on your own terms is the way to take it. Have her come visit you, or you go see her when you know your sister won't be around. Take all power of the situation out of her hands. If you go see her, and your sister is there, leave. You are perfectly justified in that your son's well-being is what is of utmost importance to you.

It is so unfortunate that your sister will not allow herself get to experience the joy of your ds, and a healthy relationship with you - she is definitely the one losing out in this situation...I hope for you that in time that will change.

Thanks for your messages. No reply yet, but I am dreading it. Nearly always in our family people just harbour grudges rather than get things out in the open, so I'm not sure how this'll go down, I mean, mum always seems to twist what I say. She's got a hang up about mil seeing grandkids more than her, so I'm constantly trying hard to make things be, and appear to be totally equal. eg just after baby's birth I was wailing on the 'phone about how stressed I was, and she asked if I wanted her to come for the weekend to help. I NEVER find having her as a guest helpful, just one more person to look after, so I said no thanks, I don't need you to come, I just wanted you to listen (After all, for her it's a few hundred pounds and many hours travel to get to us). Months later, when she's accusing me of overlooking her and letting mil get all the action, she says that she asked if she could come & I said no, she couldn't. She harboured a grudge for months, and turned it all against me, and doesn't see the difference between me not wanting her help, and me telling her she can't come & see her grandchildren.

Is it just me? I am dreading stage 2, so to speak, ie her reply. I really appreciate your support. I had said I'd go back in May with the kids, but I was having 2nd thoughts anyway - too difficult on my own, but now she'll never believe that the 2 aren't connected, and just turn it all back on me and put me on one great big guilt trip

monkey
I've got a similar problem in that I don't want my children to have contact with my brother, as he has demonstrated in the past that he doesn't care a scrap for their safety and wellbeing. I take my children to visit my parents, they don't come to visit us. So the situation of my children seeing their g'ma without me being there doesn't arise. I think this is fairer than cutting off contact altogether.
Grudges tend to be harboured in my family too, the only way round it is to be very open yourself, and explain your position every time, and your reasons for doing things. Also, take the straightforward, nice approach all the time, don't get sucked into any petty exchanges or childlike arguments. Have you considered stopping the contact by phoning or going to see your sister and telling her nicely, face to face, that you don't think she deserves to have anything to do with your children, and this is why? I assumed from your posting that she doesn't have children herself - will you give her a second chance when she has kids? What were your parents doing while she was bullying you as children - do they share some of the blame?
I really sympathise with this situation, and hope you can sort it out.

Monkey, not much to add, just sympathy. As others have said, your mother is unlikely to change, so you have got to be the one to ensure that your children never meet your sister.

Just wondered, is there the remotest chance that your sister wanted to meet your son to begin to rectify the bad situation between you? From what you say, I think not 99%, but thought I'd put the question anyway.

I'm afraid, Tigermoth, that there's not much chance in my sister doing anything nice to me or mine.

Like I said, she ignored the invitation to the first Christening. The only contact I've had with her since I got married was at the christening of our second child. With no word to me she turned up - it then turns out it was 2 months before her wedding (to which I wasn't invited) so she wanted to be queen for the day in front of our family. She didn't say a single word to me the whole day. What could she say - "oh yes, this is your second isn't it? Sorry, I've been so busy over the last 3 years to congratulate you on your first?" The only exchange between us was in the church immediately after the service when we both got to the back of the church at the same time. I thought I should make an effort, and was holding my elder son, so I said "Peter, this is Auntie Susan" and she just gave me a cold look, didn't even look at ds and said "we've met, and Susan will do". That's all she's said to me on the day of my son's christening and in the last 3 and a bit years.

So, sorry to be long-winded, but I can't say there's the remotest chance of her suddenly turning up and being transformed into Wonderaunt.

Still no word from mum.

Monkey

I don't think it's extreme. Frankly I don't think your mother deserves to see her grandchildren if she behaves in this way. I would write your mum a long email and explain exactly how hurt and betrayed you feel and I would tell her that it is absolutely unacceptable that she ignores your wishes and that as their mother your wishes on how to bring up your children and what you want should be respected and if she is unable to do that then it's unfortunate but she won't be able to spend time with them, unless you can trust her to not betray you. If they mean that much to her then she should be able to do it. I mean it's not even as if your sister likes kids or wants to see them by the sounds of it

Thanks all. Still no word.

So, I still haven't heard from her, and as she usually rings often and hasn't since the e-mail, I can only assume she's read it, and not replied.

So what do I do now? Like I said, in our family, people never deal with problems, they just bear grudges and maybe ignore the offending person, so it's quite daunting for me to have stood up to this one. I don't know if I can face 'phoning her, plus, the ball is pretty much in her court, and she should respond to me, but she hasn't so what do I do?

Monkey, I feel so cross and hurt for you. What's made your sister into this awful creature?? You sound like a really nice mum, amid all that bad behaviour, you deserve a medal for managing to be that way, and now it seems like they're doing it to you all over again,your mum deliberately not getting in touch to make you feel like you're in the wrong, which of course you're not. Your sister obviously has a real hold over your mum, and you're the one who gets the rough deal..you're damned by them whatever you do. I do hope this gets resolved - but in the meantime, you & your immediate family (you, the kids & husband) are the most important people, who you rightly want to protect from all this anger & bad behaviour..so look after no.1...no one else will!
good luck.

Thanks bundle. I have to say I can't believe mum hasn't responded. I suppose deep down I feel sick and saddened that I've irrepairably dammaged our relationship & I'm scared that she's now going to ignore me.

it's only reading the replies on this thread that reminds me that I'm not the one in the wrong here, but, as has sadly been the case at every turn with my sister in my whole childhood, even when I'm not in the wrong I'm the one that misses out. Perhaps I am better off without them (her, ie mum), but it's still pretty hard

Star - thanks for that - I think you're right and I've come to this conclusion a while ago, that mum is scared of her so placates her before anything else, but I'm fed up of it now, and I'm tired of been understanding while I get walked all over.

I finally got a reply - by post - from mum. I couldn't believe it. All she said was that she had 2 children & loved us both very much. That's it. She didn't apologise, say it wouldn't happen again, she didn't acknowledge or address a single thing I said.

I don't quite know how to take what she said, I mean, is she saying she won't choose between us? (I don't want her to, and don't see that there's a need for that, she just needs to stop interfering!)
Or does she mean in a round about way that she's sorry? Or does she mean that she loves my sister and will do what the hell she wants? I don't know because she didn't elaborate. I know you all don't know either but you can proabably see this more clearly and rationally that I can.

Frankly, her 'reply' has made me REALLY cross, and I sent her an even stroppier e-mail, I don't know how to ort this out. Why couldn't she just have said she'd made a mistake and was sorry?

Monkey, sorry that the reply wasn't what you wanted to hear. My mother never apologises either, even when she has occasionally been very difficult, but on the other hand she has never done anything like what you have put up with lately. I'm really sorry.
FWIW I think your mum doesn't know 100% what she thinks either and there are probably elements of all three interpretations mixed up in her feelings. So I suspect you won't get a simple answer from her, or an apology, but hopefully making your feelings so clear will warn her firmly off interfering like this again.

Monkey, your mum obviously finds it hard to untangle all the strands of her family relationships & the histories involved...and I think she's not on her own as it's not easy to "teach" - either at school or home (through example rather than being explicit). It's blindingly obvious to us Mumsnetters that she should discrminate between her 2 daughters (what if you were still kids and one of you just kept belting the other round the head...surely she wouldn't just say "I love you both" then, but at least try & address why the conflict is happening as well as actually stopping it)..and each time she 'communicates' (if you can call it that) with you, you deflect all the guilt onto yourself, as she's clearly not going to put her own hand up to this one....
oh monkey, I'm sure my ramblings aren't helping much, but I do feel so terrible for you. Be extra nice to yourself today, the sun is shining (at least it is here) & we're all with you on this