Trapped in Malaysia with a 3 month old help!

[thinginpink]

Me and my partner have a business together we have just flown out for the first time to malaysia with our 3 month old baby for work. Because I've just given birth and baby is very young im staying at the apartment with baby whilst my partner goes to work. We've just hired a lady to come out with us to help with work as I usually help my partner but is difficult with baby. She seemed very nice at first but is being overly nice to my partner and not so nice to myself. My partner is having a bond with her which is natural but spending a bit too much time with her out and about whilst we're left at home. I'm feeling abandoned inside this apartment with my tiny baby whilst they're having a fantastic time. Baby isn't dealing with the heat and I can't go out for more than an hour per day as she gets overheated with the tropical heat. They're also going into the rainforest together for work on an expedition in a few days leaving me and baby totally alone for a week. The lady is staying in the apartment with us so have no space whatsoever. I feel like I've been replaced by her and she also keeps saying things like "I sleep with my friends all the time" which makes me feel very uncomfortable to say the least!!! Anyway I've talked this through with my partner and he's being understanding but a bit defensive. I do trust him but not her.

I feel like I didn't think this through at all i feel really silly. I feel like I'm a bad mum as baby isn't happy with the heat but I didn't want to seperate our new little family because of work.

I have two options either :

• I go home back to the UK where I have loved ones who can support me and baby and wait till partner gets back. Baby will be happier and I will feel more settled but will miss my partner and worry a bit.

• or I can stay and get my partner's mum over to help with baby so I'm not alone and trapped. But baby will be still a bit unhappy due to the heat and I will still feel unsettled and worry because of this strange situation but won't miss my partner.

What should I do? Any other options? Need some mum advice!!! Thank you so much!

My understanding is that opand dh have a business together and have a contract in Malaysia. They have taken someone from the uk over with them to help with the work as op has the baby to look after.

I think everyone needs to calm down a bit. OP, has dh given you any reason to worry, or is it just her? There's people here assuming an EA or that he'll be shagging her soon, or that he's disgusting! From what you've said he's not done anything wrong.

can you find her somewhere else to stay? I would find it uncomfortable having another person around with a tiny baby.

OP I think you may be feeling overwhelmed, I did when my first was tiny. Especially at three months, they go from being sleepy all the time to waking up a bit and having needs. It's hard and you're feeling sidelined as this lady is doing your work, and as you say "having a fantastic time" with your Dh.

Talk to show again. Tell him how it's making you feel, rightly or wrongly, and ask him to tell her to ease up. But you do have to trust him.

As others have said, find some ex pats or other mums to hang out with. Perhaps in doing so you'll find some people locally for your employee to hang out with too.

sorry yes maybe I got the wrong end of the stick - if he is just busy working i would just fly home and be with your family if you are not really enjoying it there.

Been in your situation and with hindsight i should have just come home - why sit in an apartment all on your own feeling hot, lonely and unhappy when you can be with your family at home.

Speak to dp about your concerns before you leave and make sure you sort things out with him first.

Hello! Sorry for the delay - thank you so much for all the wonderful advice. Yes she's English who flew over with us to help as an assistant for work! She's backed off since thank god as we booked a hotel so that we could have our own space and that seems to have helped a lot. So that situation is solved.We're still in Malaysia in the hotel now.

He went out to the rainforest with an expedition of people for work, he had a nice time. It was hard for me and baby whilst he was away as we had nothing to do here really as it's not very touristy at all but we got through it in the end.

However I'm very worried now and don't know what to do as he came back from the rainforest last night and told me that he didn't miss me and our baby as much as he thought he would, that he feels trapped (!!!??), that he doesn't love me as much as he did and that he doesn't feel the spark as much as before but promised that he still loves me etc... (Ouch!!!)

He said that he's going through a rough time, and it seems as if he's going through a very early midlife crisis (we're both 21 years old), he said that he will fix this and love me again as much as he did...

He's been acting very weird, I don't know what's gone wrong, what have I done? How can I fix this?

What should I do? Should I leave him? I feel like my heart is broken, I would leave him if I didn't have our baby, I just want her to have a lovely family as my father was awful and was never around but I don't want to be in this horrible situation... :(

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gut instinct? I think he's slept/wants to sleep with the assistant. And this is his way of justifying it to himself.

With a 3 month old baby, you a young new mum, he is being monstrously selfish. Hes a father for christs sake. Time to grow the fuck up.

If it were me, I'd give him the space he wants, so YOU can decide what you want from YOUR life.

Because I bet its not tagging around the world after him, kids in tow, stuck in boring hotel rooms, while he has lovely jaunts into rainforests, with attractive young assistants hanging off his every word.

I'll bet that he got a taste of the fancy-free 'single life' during his jungle jaunt and now the idea of being 'married with child(ren)' isn't very appealing. At 21, that doesn't surprise me a bit. You're both very young and it just may be that he didn't completely understand what marriage and fatherhood entails, or what he may perceive that he has 'given up' when he got married.

It will be up to you to decide if you think he is mature enough to live up to his responsibilities.

There is nothing to fix here and you cannot fix any joint relationship problem if he does not want to. I think also that he has tasted the fancy free life and has decided he wants that for his own self.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. You're both 21 and he already wants out now.

I would leave and return to the UK, even more reason to do so now that you have a child as well. You wrote you would leave even if you did not have a baby anyway.

And this confession only came about after the work trip away with this women? Have you outright asked him if anything happened??

I am sorry to say this, but this doesn't sound good.

If your suspicions are correct, then I would get on the first plane home with your baby, to your family where you can get support.

Go home. It's not help with the baby that you need. It's a life. If your partner stays, that's his choice. Dont stay for fear of him cheating. You and baby come first. Go home. You'll be happier x

The thing to add is he is feeling "guilty" at present, so use this to get money and a settlement for your DC from him. Money now is better than promises for the future.
Come back to the UK, get support and replan your future. You are very young, and I'm sure you and your baby have a great future to look forward to.

Oh and get legal advice on how to split your business.

"I just want her to have a lovely family as my father was awful and was never around "

It doesn't sound like your husband wants to be a part of the lovely family you crave. He sounds like the kind of father who will be awful and never around, and justify it to himself because you "trapped" him in his prime.

If it were me, I'd cut my losses.

So sorry thing but I also think he slept with her

What is his work? Can he not do it back in the UK with you?

So sorry op. Book a flight and tell him not to come back. He has totally disrespected you during this time and you deserve much better. X

What about this job/his profession means that you have to be in Malaysia?

With this latest confession from him it smacks as though he hasn't got his head around being a father tbh?

I would ask him outright what you are meant to do with this confession? He wanted Malaysia and presumably baby?

Thank you for all the wonderful advice! Yesterday he confessed that he had a crush on this lady (!!!!) I obviously went ballistic!!

Last night and this morning, he has said that he didn't mean anything about the nasty things he said about not loving me as much etc... He was just feeling guilty...

He said that the crush wasn't physical or anything just personality, he enjoyed being with her and talking because it reminded him of how we used to be before baby and enjoyed the attention.

3 weird things happened in the rainforest, he told me everything in detail, it didn't seem like he was lying tbh ( well I hope so anyway!!!)

He filmed the stars with her one night, which he didn't think anything of until she said "oh this is romantic".

He also went swimming with her and with a group at a waterfall, but they ventured up stream together alone...

One night there were loads of bugs in the room that the group were all sleeping in. She suggested to my partner to sleep on he balcony, he agreed and they placed their mattresses side by side and they slept back to back... (!!!!)

He said that he thinks it was the rainforest that he had a crush on, not her, that he situations were romantic that she put him into, he didn't mean for any of this to happen, he promises that he didn't sleep with her, kiss her or even touch her hand. It was more of a friendship crush, emotional...

He has stopped working with her and says that he will stop everything and take me and baby home. He doesn't want us to leave, he knows he's a bad father and a terrible partner, that he loves us more than ever and wants to be with us forever, he was just scared of being a dad so young and enjoyed a moment of freedom, but he will grow up and be a responsible father and partner from this moment onwards. He said it was a big stupid mistake and that He promises never ever to do this ever again...

I'm really not sure what to do... I mean do you guys reckon this is true? Do reckon there is more? I love him so much, I feel like a fool, I want to leave him as it's the logical thing to do but it's really really hard especially after just having a baby... What do you guys think I should do? Should I still go? Should I talk to the assistant? Should I stay? I'm soooo confused! Help!!!!

(He's a documentary filmmaker working with the Malaysian government hence Malaysia)

Leave. Now. See if he misses you.

He sounds like such an unbelievable dick. Please go home - without him.

Sorry OP, but from an outsiders point of view I would be alarmed by:

it reminded him of how we used to be before baby and enjoyed the attention

And baby is only 3 months old... Are you supposed to offer all your attention to him his whole life otherwise he goes looking for some from elsewhere.... What happens if you have more dc?

and they placed their mattresses side by side and they slept back to back...

Really, not even a roll over and a good night hug? Why put mattresses together then?

He has stopped working with her

Has she flown back to UK then? How are they not working together if she was flown out to Malaysia by him to assist. Where is she working now?

He doesn't want us to leave

Of course not, you will have gone home and his lady friend in no longer working with him now.... Who is left there to give him all the attention?

I mean do you guys reckon this is true? Do reckon there is more?

What in your heart of hearts do you believe?

OP, did you DH know her before this trip? Have they worked together before?

I'm sorry to say it sounds like he is lying. No wonder he feels guilty. Grown-ups who are attracted to each other simply do not spend the night together side by side without even touching. Why would they? There were other people on the expedition but only those two ended up sleeping on the balcony together? Sounds very dodgy. He already admitted having a crush on her and she seems interested in him.

I think you both need to have a serious talk about where your future is headed. Can you see yourself staying in Malaysia for the foreseeable future? You don't sound happy there.

The decision will be yours, not ours. You are the one who has to live your life. What do YOU think? What does your gut tell you about him? What does your gut tell you about whether or not he was physically unfaithful? He certainly was emotionally unfaithful to you.

How have his work circumstances changed? Where is this 'assistant'? How does he intend to prove to you that he is trustworthy and that his 'crush' is over? Do you feel that you can trust him?

I'm probably swimming against the tide, but I think if I truly felt that he had learned something about what is important in his life and if I felt that I could trust him I'd probably give him a conditional chance to prove himself. Not unconditional forgiveness, just a chance. But I'd keep my eyes wide open and he would have to understand that he was on his last chance. No excuses, no 'buts', no more chances.