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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Happy with DH so why fantasise but OM?

10 replies

Namechange66666 · 07/11/2014 22:51

I don't post much but always enjoy reading the frank responses on MN. I have been thinking about asking this for weeks - but even putting it in writing makes me cringe. I have a good relationship with DH - married 20 years but got married young. I have never cheated on him except one drunken snog about 15 years ago. have been told people see us as 'the perfect couple (I know - dangerous as well as nauseating). So all fine. Except I have the most incredible crush/obsession with guy at work. Dream about him, fantasise, have to avoid doing any socialising as I am convinced I would sleep with him if given the chance. why???? Why would this even be a thing? I am not unhappy, have very fulfilling and busy life. I don't get it. Don't particularly want it to stop as at the moment - not hurting anyone and giving me a lovely glow. Can imagine if ever it became real - nightmare. Has this happened to anyone else and why do you think it does? First world problems - not enough drama keeping alive so we make shit up to rock the boat???

OP posts:
MysteryMan1 · 07/11/2014 23:09

Surely it is just a case of lust and wanting something you can't have? We all want to feel attractive and I do think that when you have been with someone a while, no matter how perfect they are, you will always want to see what's on the other side.

You know it's wrong and surely you can hold yourself from taking things too far? Enjoy the flirting but be the one in control...you will no doubt regret it otherwise.

Original poster
Namechange66666 · 07/11/2014 23:15

But in theory - shouldn't my DH finding me attractive be enough? I enjoy thinking about this guy wanting me but not being able to have me. Doesn't that seem odd for a grown woman? I am constantly lecturing my DC about not being greedy and or disloyal - and in the back of my mind I am imaging what I would do with a man not their DH if given half the chance.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 07/11/2014 23:15

Do you think he feels the same way? I know it sounds dramatic, but if it's possible, I think you should change jobs. You know what the fallout will be if you do succumb. And you know it won't be worth it.

Original poster
Namechange66666 · 07/11/2014 23:23

I don't know. I think he does - but not really sure. Bizarrely I fhave banter etc with other men - but with him clam up. And he is a bit the same. It feels to me very charged around him - but I could easily convince myself that is just me. Changing jobs isn't possible. Fairly rare position - not so easy to just go find it elsewhere. I agree the repurcussions are awful - which is why I wonder why on earth we are wired for it to happen in first place. if my DH was treating me badly or I had low self esteem - easier to understand.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 07/11/2014 23:29

Don't worry about it...just don't act on it. It wouldn't be as good in real life as in your fantasy and everything would get heavy and ruined.

MysteryMan1 · 07/11/2014 23:31

I think you enjoy the attention which is no bad thing at all. As you said you want him to want you but not be able to get you...You do seem in control of the situation but it is human nature I think.

Play by the rules and respect boundaries and it is fine. We spend so much time at work, it is likely you will find someone attractive but keep it a fantasy!

BobbyDazzler1 · 07/11/2014 23:41

Honestly you're only a step away from screwing your life up. Don't fool yourself. That 'chance' to cheat will come if you see each other regularly and he feels the same way. It's a ticking bomb. You need to take some steps to distance yourself from this man - both in your head and preferably physically.

You're very blessed to have such a lovely life partner. Be grateful for this and safeguard it.

I get the whole danger excitement thing, but it's the start of a fall IMO if both are attracted to each other. Only a question of time.

You've got it good. Keep it that way.

Lovingfreedom · 08/11/2014 00:01

....I think it's far from inevitable that two people who are attracted to each other need to act on it. Rather than tell yourself you can't have him, what you can do in this situation is tell yourself you could have him if you (and he) wanted...and then you can make a decision not to because the negatives outweigh the benefits. As long as you know you're in control and not going to do anything with him it will be fine and you can carry on being friendly.

LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse · 08/11/2014 09:44

Normal. Just don't put yourself into a situation where you have to act on it.

Sickoffrozen · 08/11/2014 09:49

I would imagine your DH is the same after 20 yrs with you. He probably imagines himself with others too. Don't most people from time to time?

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