How/where did you learn to manage conflict?

[InnocenceAndExperience]

I'm rubbish at it. Get overly emotional, stressed, worked up in advance.

I see other dealing with difficult situations so much better.

Did you learn in your family, with friends? At work?

AIBU would be so valuable if it weren't so vicious

I have a plethora of low-level digestive disorders, I&E. Good breathing is my friend.

follow up from post Tues, 7.40am.

Massively fed up now. Although brother had clear actions he did not volunteer any updates - no response to email or text, so I called. He did have one thing to update me with but he hadn't done the other thing and was defensive when I asked for details. He soon got into an angry tirade of accusations.

I feel so sad about this. We need to make a decision about where my mother is going to live. She's got dementia and needs proper care. All this arguing is getting in the way of the discussion that needs to take place.

I don't think your brother is going to help at all in this situation or actually do anything helpful.

As he is unlikely to undergo a major personality change in the time period you need decisions made I would actually go ahead and do it yourself - does he actually need to be involved?

I'd be tempted to do what suits your mum best and present him with a fait accompli, he can whinge all he likes, but the important thing is that he won't actually DO anything so any solution implemented mustn't give him anything to do, as he won't do it.

If he complains, ignore him.

In my view, the secret is to know what you want. Sit down quietly before the meeting and list (literally on paper if you like) what it is you want to achieve. If you know what it is you want the outcome to be it's a lot easier to take control or prevent the other side from taking it. A lot of the problems with conflict arise because a person isn't really 100% certain what it is they're after.

Miggsie the problem is that the responsibility is shared with a third person, my mum's sister, who has her daughter advocating for her.

If it was just me & him it would have been sorted by now but he's sitting on the fence and effectively blocking any useful discussion.

Toby I think the problem for some people is that they want to win, rather than arrive at a solution.

Do you and your cousin also disagree, then, IAE?

Its my mums sister who wants my mum close to her - but that's far away and now my mum needs FT care I want her near us. My aunt is lonely and moved my mum in with her about 18 months ago for company so my cousin naturally supports her, as her mum will be lonely again if we move her. Its a really difficult situation.

During this 18 months my Aunt has tried to drive me out altogether, gets ragey if I visit, has tried to convince my mum I can't be trusted looking after her money, and has done everything in her power to discredit me to the family (especially my cousin and my brother), so now I'm pretty much on my own, and as you can imagine , pretty stressed.

I'm not bloody giving up, though. I am confident my mum will be happier near us and will have better care, added to which my aunt is also elderly, not in great health, and will be under a lot of pressure if she's my mum's only support.

Can't stop worrying about the next 'family meeting' which is with brother and cousin. In the last meeting the third party challenged him as she could see how unhelpful he was being, but this time his behaviour and mindset will probably make it easy for my cousin who will be 'love-bombing' him to get him to agree with her.

Have you tried talking to SS Vulnerable Adult Services? They can be very helpful indeed, especially in situations where the family are in conflict.

I haven't yet - but I have found a charity which might help and who I will suggest if things are not resolved at the meeting.

Good suggestion, though. We seem to be in urgent need of a third party...

Vulnerable Adult Services are reallyon the side of your mum, and will act as her advocate. They will want her to get whatever support will work best for her and if they think that your aunt will not visit her often enough, but you will, etc they will make no bones about it. They are experienced in sussing out people who are looking out for themselves, or making promises they will not keep, and dealing with difficult people and people in denial.

I would contact them as well as the charity. The more experts involved thee better, and the quicker you call them in the quicker you'll get things sorted.