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Original poster

Is this a MIL red flag?

55 replies

hugefatso · 07/11/2014 20:36

Am late, late preg and DC1 is imminent. MIL called DH and asked him what we'd decided on for the name. DH said we hadn't told anyone and wanted it to be a surprise. (I don't really care either way, but for DH it's important no one knows til the birth.)

MIL hung up the phone. DH tried to call her back, she didn't answer. Three days passed. Now she's texting him saying that she cannot believe he would keep a secret from her and that they "have always had a policy of no secrets." After saying her piece, she is not talking to him/us again.

OP posts:

jezzapaxmanslovechild · 07/11/2014 22:23

I love the term flying monkeys! Is it relating to people roped in on behalf of the unreasonable person who have no real understanding of whats gone on, to try to emotionally blackmail the other person into putting up and shutting up?

hamptoncourt · 07/11/2014 22:29

It's from The Wizard of Oz! Yes, it's the people who are sent in to do the bidding of the manipulative puppet master, piling on the guilt trip. Quite often they have a vested interest themselves in getting the innocent party back into line.

Stories of depression/heart issues/cancer/fits/anykindofshite abound and often the pressure to do as one is told becomes too much and the guilt is overwhelming.

Original poster

hugefatso · 07/11/2014 22:31

Thank you for your replies and support!

I agree that it's a bit pretentious of DH to be saying we have a name but he can't tell anyone. But the separate issue is that MIL is tantrumming because of it. And all this "policy of no secrets" mafia talk is ridiculous.

She has already broken a few boundaries. I am dreading the years ahead...

OP posts:

shadowfax07 · 07/11/2014 22:34

I'd say that you and your DH have laid some groundwork to make the years ahead easier, by standing up to her now. Wishing all of you the best .

redcaryellowcar · 07/11/2014 22:40

I'd be grateful she has shown her true tantrum colours now, stand firm and remember that she is behaving in a fashion that will give you good parenting practice for dealing with toddler tantrums and teenage strops.personally I would ignore and certainly let your dh do so if that is how he feels best to handle it?

justmuddlingalong · 07/11/2014 22:41

Dear MIL, we wanted to name the baby after you, if it's a girl, but have since found out sweary words aren't legal as names'. HTH

Larrytheleprechaun · 07/11/2014 22:42

Kudos to your DH who seems to have your back. Some people need to make things about THEM and this seems to be what your MIL is doing. Ignore her tantrumming. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your new baby.

JustSpeakSense · 07/11/2014 22:49

It is not pretentious to say you have chosen a name , but are waiting to meet your child and naming him/her before making the announcement. It is completely ok and normal.

How bloody dare she make this drama about her! Stamp this out now!

Well done to your DH for not pandering to his mothers tantrums (as so many one here do!)

ZingOfSeven · 07/11/2014 23:03

NanZilla in the make

Chottie · 08/11/2014 04:48

What an awful woman! immature, self centred and no it is not all about her.

p.s. I speak as a MiL and GM

You've been given some wonderful advice ^^ I would also add, that you hold all the aces. Let her stew.

LemonChicken · 08/11/2014 08:17

"have always had a policy of no secrets."

that just creeps me out. Maybe it needs pointing out to her, that as children grow the "no secrets" policy loosens. Like anything else thoughts and emotions wise, flexible is healthy, rigid is unhealthy. What is appropriate for an 8 year old to tell their mum is not the same as what a 16 yr old has to tell mum. And don't get me started on an adult whose wife/partner is just about to give birth. But maybe she needs that spelling out to her. That she is "just" the mother of the man whose wife is about to have a baby now. That his world no longer revolves around her, but around his new wife/partner and baby.

The fact she would say this "no secrets" thing is alarming.

The fact that you both get the silent treatment for not doing as she wishes is alarming.

The fact that you have already had boundary breaking issues with her is alarming.

Red flag? most definitely.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 08/11/2014 08:27

Sorry you're going through this so late in your pregnancy. She sounds like a nightmare! Just keep doing what you're doing, as you need to make it clear from right now that she won't get away with this kind of behaviour. Otherwise you'll be getting it for the rest of your lives! Best to properly nip it in the bud now!

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 08/11/2014 08:35

What about sending her a text saying in your opinion, she is a self centred narcissist and an emotional pygmy with the self control of a two year old and then add the rider, 'Well, you said yourself, no secrets!'

Squeegle · 08/11/2014 08:38

Yes, agree the arrival of a granchild definitely opens up some "issues". You and your DH are doing the right thing in standing firm. Your choice to keep it to yourselves. Her choice on whether she respects your prerogative.

If she doesn't respect it, ie has a sulk, well, that's definitely her choice too! Sadly age and experience doesn't seem to give some people much wisdom! Is she always a bit self centred?

mupperoon · 08/11/2014 08:46

Your MIL is being an arse, but I'm surprised at the idea that keeping the baby's name a surprise is "pretentious". If so, I obviously come from the most pretentious family ever, as we've all done this, even when we knew the sex of the baby.

happystory · 08/11/2014 08:48

My own dm did something similar. To keep her quiet we told her it was down to three names. When dd was born and before we'd actually decided she 'chose' the one she liked the best and told all her friends that was the name. Hilarious. Came home to cards from her friends saying 'welcome Wrong Name' Mother had egg on her face having to tell everyone shed been wrong.

A grown women sulking is not a nice thing, as others have said you have to be firm from the outset. And good for your Dh.

mummytime · 08/11/2014 09:03

Keeping the name secret is not "pretentious" - lots of people change their mind about the baby's name after it arrives.

"Having no secrets" is a good policy for a 2/3 year old, but is not really healthy in even teenagers let alone ADULTS. Knowing every passing thought of your teenage child (like their latest crush) is a bit creepy, being their for them and supporting them through the big stuff is good on the other hand.

MeganBacon · 08/11/2014 09:50

see it as an opportunity to lay down boundaries very firmly right now before the baby arrives. Do not engage on the subject AT ALL. DH said his piece and he's right, it does not need to be readdressed. You'll be glad later that you did. Hopefully she's get the message now and readjust her thinking. Good luck OP.

EveDallasRetd · 08/11/2014 09:57

My Bro and SIL got so fed up with my mum moaning about and suggesting baby names that they told her they were having a DD called 'Chelsey Charley Tuesday'

She believed them.
(they had a boy called Sam)

Squeegle · 08/11/2014 09:59

The whole name thing is fraught with difficulties, it's definitely better to keep it secret until announced. I told my DM of the name we had chosen for our DC before she was born. My DM announced " anything but that", and then was insulted big time after we stuck with it as she saw it as me ignoring her wishes! (It was awful actually. And really unnecessary after a traumatic birth). I think there is much more symbolism invested in the choice of name than we realise.

ElsieMc · 08/11/2014 10:12

She is making a precious time for you difficult because she cannot accept a change in her status and is behaving like a jealous child. As she cannot get her own way, she is going to spoil the birth of your child. Ridiculous behaviour. Did she mean she is not speaking to you again because it is repeat behaviour or is she not speaking to you ever again? You might be better with the latter.

ZingOfSeven · 08/11/2014 10:24

Eve

we did similar. I do a lot of sewing and with DS4 I got so fed about constant nagging I said a girl would be could Ribbon, a boy would be Button. the nagging stopped

but in this case I can see how giving a fake name would cause trouble later on - I bet MIL would be accusing them of lying to her. you can't win

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2014 10:54

Why doesn't your husband send her a text saying, "As you are clearly ignoring us, should we assume you would rather not know when the baby is born?"

ZingOfSeven · 08/11/2014 10:58

Imperial

tempting but I would not contact her in any shape or form.
she has to make the first move

40somethingwonderful · 08/11/2014 11:19

Good that your dh knows what she is up to, definitely stand your ground and allow her to make the first contact.

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