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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

EA ex and his new relationship

25 replies

Pumpkindumplin · 07/11/2014 10:12

I had the a 4 year relationship with somebody who emotionally, financially and sexually abused me. . It was a gradual onset and interspersed with great times great sex ect ect. It had me doubting my own judgement and even when I realised he was horrible it took ages to dis entangle myself. Anyway it's been over for a year now, I'm fine for the most part but sometimes still feel a bit angry that he got away with the things he did, that I was so stupid and allowed it to go on.

Anyway there is no contact. I haven't contacted him since that day, he did txt in June when I was on holiday but I ignored it. I have seen on FB however that he now has a new relationship, some of our family members are still on eachothers FB, I am not. Everybody seems to think he is such a lovely guy, they have no idea of what a total bastard he was to me, how manipulative and controlling he was. Anyways I noticed his new gf, who incidentally has commented that they have been involved I some way with eachother for a year, this means he txt me when he knew her.

Also he appears to be looking and acting like the perfect BF. Has sent her a bouquet and she has commented about his lovely early morning wake up calls, I assume she means voicemails as he lives away and works nights. I used to get one of those every morning too. Everyone has commented what a lovely guy he is underneath this and I just want to scream NO he really isn't

I know I should detatch but I feel like revenge sometimes. I really suffered mentally with him and he's come up trumps again. Not sure what I'm looking for in posting just need to vent

OP posts:

ihatebats · 07/11/2014 10:15

well the best form of revenge is living well so forget him and concentrate on yourself!

GoatsDoRoam · 07/11/2014 10:20

I feel for you.

But when your mind is clouded with thoughts of righteous revenge, you are not living with the joy and peace you could have. And you do have access to joy and peace, not that you have successfully left him and NC'd him. The last step is now to deny him access to your thoughts, and you will be completely free.

Easier said than done: have replacement thoughts ready. Positive affirmations, for example, when you catch yourself brooding about how he did you wrong and does not deserve a GF or anyone's high regard.

You are also, btw, completely free to cut short any person who wants to relay news about his life to you: "I do not want to hear anything about that man, thank you." And to hide or remove them from your FB feed in order to avoid getting the news by proxy. Totally ok to do so.

GoatsDoRoam · 07/11/2014 10:21

now that you have sucessfully left him

NoMarymary · 07/11/2014 10:22

I'm inclined to say keep out of it too because it won't end well.

If in the future you become aware (maybe she will contact you) history is repeating itself you can tell her your experience.

Be aware though telling her anything is a dangerous course for yourself and for her and maybe referring her to woman's aid might be a better option.

Mostly I would say keep out for now.

pictish · 07/11/2014 10:22

Understandable OP. Totally.

I know you already know...but the best revenge is in living well. Being happy. Fantasise about blowing him apart, but realise it's a secret indulgence. Even if you did expose him, you'd be wiped off the face of everything as a bitter, jealous troublemaker. His new beau will learn how it is in her own time. Sadly.

There was a post on here the other day in which the OP's dh's exw quietly tried to warn the OP way back what she was letting herself in for. She didn't take it on board in the moment (obv) but certainly did recall the exw had tried to do her right.

Do nothing impassioned or with haste. God no.
If you're doing it to get back at him - DO NOT PROCEED.

emptyhouse12 · 07/11/2014 10:26

I know exactly how you feel but the only advice I can give is to sit tight.
My ex left and after behaving so appallingly towards me before and afterwards, seemed to have landed right on his feet which whilst none of my business, galled somewhat as I was struggling to keep things together financially.
He had his new GF, the love of his life apparently within weeks.
2 years down the road and it seems now she's seeing what he's really like and his life is not as rosey as he makes out.
I'm not one to be mean but it does make me feel a little better that he's finally got some shit coming his way as I'm doing just grand now. And so will you.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 07/11/2014 10:51

I'm not about to contact the GF she won't believe me as he in the process of love bombing her. It's just so galling that people like him can present this other persona and be thought of as the best thing since sliced bread. He will have painted me as God knows what just as he did his ex wife to me, everything was her fault too apparently. The day we split up he was in my hallway about to leave for the final time, and he rang his sister and basically did a character assination on me with it all on loudspeaker so I could hear her replies, everything was my fault according to him

Anyway I must try harder never to let these thoughts take over, most of the time I'm ok it's just now and again. I believe he stole from me, he certainly fleeced me by being a cocklodger but I think he also stole my wedding and engagement ring from my ex husband. I actually hate him when I think of that

OP posts:

pictish · 07/11/2014 11:01

Just be fabulous and happy - fake it till you make it.
Your rancour is only allowing him eat up even more of you.

There is a saying I like. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 07/11/2014 11:38

Do these individuals ever get their come uppance or do they just manage to go through life manipulating people and getting what they want.

It does concern me that as they appear oh so happy the things he said about me may have some truth in them. Like maybe it was my fault, maybe I was horrible to him, always put myself first amd perhaps I won't ever have a lasting relationship just as he told me. It has made me doubt myself

OP posts:

Hollycopter · 07/11/2014 11:45

Block both of them for your peace of mind, you won't see any updates then and it won't be brought to mind everytime you log onto Facebook. At the minute it'd like you're poking an open wound.

The fact that he told you you won't have a lasting relationship should actually reassure you in a way - translated he meant that he was angry you disentangled yourself and he was trying to hurt you by saying that. That makes him the horrible one, not you!

GoatsDoRoam · 07/11/2014 13:38

It doesn't matter whether they get their come-uppance.

It matters that you live a happy life.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 07/11/2014 22:37

I'm sure I will live a happy life, at least I hope so, it's still so unfair and it would give me a certain sense of satisfaction if I'm honest, to know that he's not thought of as a great guy because he certainly wasn't like that with me

OP posts:

whyMe2014 · 08/11/2014 00:08

I don't think these people will ever get their come-uppance because they have no feelings. They will don't see things as we do. They go through life shitting on people and don't seem to see the carnage they create.

So all you can do is live you life and not look back.

My stbxh appears to be like a 'pig in shit' with the OW. But deep down he is a controlling bully who is currently trying to destroy me. Why?

FolkGirl · 08/11/2014 07:21

Wanting that sense of satisfaction is your problem here. You need to step back, detatch and just not engage with it on any level.

And it wasn't your fault. In some cases, people bring out the worst in each other. But if you just brought out the worst in him, a "lovely" man would end it, not punish/abuse you for 4 years.

My exh seems to have changed a lot. He's certainly much nicer to me nowadays! But the changes are very superficial and he said something recently about another woman that showed he hasn't changed at all. He's just able to hide it at the beginninng. But if he met a woman who shared his (flawed) world view (and some probably do) there would be no problem.

I like the hot coal analogy. Very true!

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 08/11/2014 08:43

Hmmm yes some very good replies here, thank you all

folk yes I agree, if I did bring out the worst in him and I made him so unhappy as he claimed or no actually, treated him like shit (his words) he could've walked at any time, we didn't even live together.

Interestingly my ex seems to get on better with his ex wife now, I can imagine she finds him far more bearable now he's not there full time to bully her

Still sickens me to see people writing to new GF you've found a good one there!. I truly hope he doesn't treat her like he did me and like he appeared to treat both ex wives. She has 3 youngish kids and yet again he's found someone vulnerable.

OP posts:

WillkommenBienvenue · 08/11/2014 08:55

This is where I will probably disagree with most people. I don't think these men will need any comeuppance or retribution, but I would feel a duty to warn other potential victims about them, particularly if they have children or are vulnerable. I would probably do it by dropping a book through their letterbox, or emailing them a link to this board.

To me that would be good citizenship.

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 08/11/2014 09:07

I don't know for certain she's vulnerable I'm only guessing from comments on social media saying she deserves happiness ect ect, I don't know her personally. Plus her kids are at school with his and he always has to look the good guy so would treat her kids well. He's not physically violent, he is controlling and manipulative and indulges in all those types of behaviour in order to do this

Also Im pretty sure he would make me suffer in some way big time if I were to inform the GF of anything and sorry I've been through too much

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 08/11/2014 09:11

I don't want to appear mean but actually I don't think she would believe a word anyway, they look very loved up. I'm also sure he would have told her all sorts about me anyway

OP posts:

NoMarymary · 08/11/2014 09:11

If the new gf is in the intake stages of a relationship she won't believe the OP and anything anonymous could be found by the exBF. Either way it could just cause problems for the OP and possible danger. She's been through enough. If the gf came to her in the future then that's a different matter as she could tell her in confidence. At the moment the gf and the exBF will just see this as trouble making and it could spread to the wider circle of friends making OP look even worse and the exBF even more like mr perfect!

DollStar · 08/11/2014 09:17

Do not let him occupy your thoughts. I had one of these poisonous guys, wonderful for a year then turned into Mr bastard. Everyone else thought he was wonderful.

Don't look at FB and unfriend anyone who is in contact with him. For your own sanity x

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 08/11/2014 09:18

Yes precisely nomarymary it will be more ammunition for him. He is ver devious and extremely clever n the art of manipulation, I would never beat him in those stakes. Leave well alone is the best option

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkindumplin · 08/11/2014 09:22

dollstar why do I have to keep looking, it's like a magnet. Actually I think it's perhaps to find something that might prove to myself that it wasn't me, like I had rammed into me. That they've split for example, I don't know

OP posts:

Stupidhead · 08/11/2014 09:30

You will be painted as the prize bitch and how could she treat this lovely guy that way? Trust me on that!

My XH was EA and ALL his exes were evil bitches - apparently. I'm sure I'm the worst though... Dust yourself down and be thankful you got out. You're jealous of the nice treatment, flowers and texts she's getting when he was a first class wanker to you. You got those too - at the start. Don't grieve over him or the nice bits you missed, it's all shit in the end and a bunch of petrol station carnations don't make a relationship.

hamptoncourt · 08/11/2014 09:36

Why haven't you blocked him/her OP? Then you wouldn't see any of their posts - job done.

You are kidding yourself that you are NC when really you are monitoring his life via facebook.

I know it hurts ( honestly I do) but you have now got to the stage where he isn't abusing/hurting you but you are doing it to yourself by looking at his shit and allowing it to trigger these thoughts.sa

MissRueful · 08/11/2014 10:49

When I met my last partner I found a few things about why his marriage broke up. Of course me being such a fantastic person would obliterate all the problems because I was a shiny new person for him. A few years down the line and I could see clearly why the wife left!

This is you having a battle with your ego and feelings of disappointment. Block all news of this twosome and be thankful you got away.
I would and do know of the Grrrrrrness you feel. X

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