Husbands reaction to affair

[Pussycat02]

Hi went through a bad patch with husband lots of rows about youngest son who had cocaine habit , resulting in confiding in another man and shamefully developing love affair.decided to admit all to husband who was devastated for about a week , but then said if you want to see this man you can whilst you make your mind up wether you want to be with him, went to see relate counsellor who has never heard of such a reaction, now I'm left feeling confused really love other man but have terrible guilt feelings and husbands reaction to things is making me more confused.

It's over OP. You will mourn the end of your marriage and with or without the other man, you will need space to grieve. But for heaven's sake, free your DH. As Sting once sang, "If you love someone, set them free". Don't be ruled by ego or pride. Let go.

By the way, what did you think you were going to achieve by telling your dh about the affair? There are many different reasons people do that - because they can't bear to maintain the secrecy anymore; because it's a cry for attention/a desire to get their other half to notice them again as an attractive person whom others desire; because they are in love with the other person and want to be with them instead, and telling their spouse is the beginning of the separation process; because they want out of the marriage and are too chicken to call it quits themself - confessing to the affair means that the odds are that the wronged spouse will most likely ask them to leave/end the marriage.

What was YOUR reason? You haven't made it clear.

I think he is doing the right thing. He is giving you time so you can decide who you want. He is thinking 'I'm not going to make her stay if it's him she wants' which to me is the right way forward for him.

What are you going to decide?

Maybe he has his own bit of interest going on ! I would bet you have taken so little interest in him during your affair that maybe you haven't noticed. Sounds like a massive ego trip on your part. Cake and eat.

You should leave, he should count his blessings

OP, I think you have kept quiet the fact that the main reason you fell for this man is that you found your marriage dull. I feel you've duped everyone by trying to blame the pressures with your son when in fact having read your earlier threads about this man, you've clearly just got bored of your husband.

Stop using your son's problems as an excuse for your poor behaviour.

When a man doesn't mind sharing you , he's not really into you. This leaves you with two men who aren't really into you despite how you may have previously perceived things with all the excitement of the affair.

I've seen other cheaters behave like this. They have the affair believing they are the higher value partner and that the lower value partner won't really let the relationship fail and will do anything to keep them. Many are disappointed to discover that's not the case.

It's entirely possible the om will not want a full relationship with you , one that demands financial and domestic support. It also sounds like your husband has decided that your not a prize worth fighting for. It sounds like you have done this as a way to test your husband .

I think badbaldingballerina makes all very good points.

However, I shall share my own experience just to give some sort of balance.

I had an affair over 9 months. I loved OM. DH started to ask questions and I couldn't lie, I told him. He gave me time to decide what I wanted. He loved me. OM said he loved me and it was all so exciting but ultimately I couldn't give up 17 years and security and a lovely life for him. DH said that he would give me a two months to decide what I wanted. He loved me more than anything and didn't want to lose me. OM still contacts, I ignore. Its hard but I don't want to hurt DH or him any more than I already have.

So OP, maybe your DH really can't bare the idea of losing you, perhaps he hopes you will chose to stay and that this choice will be made freely by you without any pressure. I think that is the right way.

Kant said that you couldn't have moral without freedom. One cannot act morally if that act is forced. Only if you could do otherwise, is an act moral.

But HoneyNutBunny, does your DH know that you came back to him only because of "security and a lovely life"? How very sad that you didn't go back to him because you realised you loved him more than the other man.

Honey I'm astonished the om still contacts you and you haven't taken steps to resolve this. It's not hard to change an email address or block someone.

I think the security thing sums these things up perfectly. Good old spouse for providing a decent income and domestic support , but om for excitement and sex. If only people could combine the two .