So I finally confronted my mum and now I'm a wreck

[fuzzpig]

Well that's a lie, DH did it for me because I was crying too much.

Spoke to her earlier and out of the blue she mentioned something about the state of the house - the smell :( I know it's not great although I had pointed out when they were here at the weekend that it was a laundry issue. But she kept on about it and even refused to sleep downstairs when they stay next week.

I managed to mention that I'm trying my best given my disabilities but when I got off the phone I burst into tears. Explained to DH and he pointed out what I'd been frankly too shocked to see - the hypocrisy.

The house I grew up in was horrible. Much worse than ours. I'm talking daily slugs trails in the kitchen, mice, silverfish and other bugs in my cat's food. A window in my room broke in a storm when I was 15, Dad nailed a sheet of Perspex over it - and that was that. I froze my butt off in that bedroom for another 5 years until I moved out. It wasn't a poverty issue BTWz

I feel guilty - sometimes so much I just want to die TBH - every fucking day that this house is a shithole but I'm doing my best given how ill I am (since 2011) and given that, as will be pretty obvious from the above, I never learned how to do it. But to hear it from my mum really really hurt.

So I asked DH to phone back and say that I was upset. Mum apologised but I don't think she really wanted to accept that they made mistakes too.

I know she had a valid point but it really, really hurt and now I can't stop crying.

Fuzzpig,I am not sure if you are in a house/flat/bungalow, but one of the best things we ever bought wasw an old victorian style clothes airer on a pulley system. We fixed it on the ceiling area above our staircase and hang the clothes on it from the upstairs landing. I have never had a tumble dryer but most of the time a full load of washing will dry in a day unless the clothes are very thick. When it is summer it is no problem. When it is winter,the hot air from the heating all rises and has to pass through the airer as it rises. The only time it takes longer is in the Autumn, pre central heating but post warm sunshine.
www.lakeland.co.uk/8849/Traditional-Airer?gclid=Cj0KEQiA-PGiBRDRz4jH9o39yZwBEiQAWCBZNWvAcIVPGLtI-G1n4yH4DOxu6HRIej4keO9FWBKunT8aArmn8P8HAQ&src=gfeed&s_kwcid=AL!49!3!55028818109!!!g!42447400740!&ef_id=Uz5QJQAAAULs6C2X:20141107094724:s

My other thought was whether you could find any local support to help you declutter, assuming your DH is not around during the day. Are there any support groups/advice to do with your disability/illness? Any buddy systems locally. Maybe phone Adult services helpline and see if they could 'signpost' you to any useful organisations that might provide a volunteer to visit once a week to help you with a particular project.

I've looked into adult services in the past, sadly they couldn't help as I wasn't severe enough - and couldn't get help under children's services because the DCs were being well looked after despite the mess! I will be applying for PIP (was getting DLA but when renewal time came I was doing so much better and didn't submit my form... twit) so if that works there will be some money spare to pay for help.

In the context of the damp issue, mum did actually say yesterday if we had room she would like to buy us a tumble dryer. It'd have to be a condenser and we'd have to jig things about a bit but I think I need to say yes to this (not sure mum was expecting that TBH so we'll see) despite the increased electricity costs - it would make my life drastically easier as some days even sticking stuff on a clothes horse hurts.

Work was actually good today, and I made soup yesterday so dinner is sorted.

That's good news about work and soup (I love soup, wish I was confident at making it).

Definitely take your mum up on it the tumble dryer. Yes, she may not have really meant it, but she also might (sometimes it easier to give money rather than other forms of support) and it would make your life just a little bit easier.

Fuzz, I'm so sorry to hear this. I think your mum is actually threatened by your progress and trying to sabotage it to maintain the status quo. So every comment she makes is evidence of how far you have come.

Grab the offer of a tumble dryer quickly. We have a condenser one it's great. Being able to wash, dry and put away a load of clothes within a couple of hours is a real psychological boost much better than having washing drying overnight. Also if you tumble dry and hang clothes up quickly, you don't need to iron them.

Try to get a dryer with a big as capacity as possible and also look at the efficiency rating. It's worth paying a bit extra up front to have reduced running costs.

You need to decide to not be your mother and clean the house. Sorry to be so blunt but it's that simple.

IsItMe - you lack confidence to make soup? Don't be a dafty, we can have you making lovely soup in no time and I hate cooking What kind do you like? I like Potato & Leek, Cauliflower, Broccoli & Stilton etc (I'm veggie, but I'm sure the others could guide you through some meaty ones if you prefer!) All you need is a pan & a knife - and if you like it smooth a stick blender which you can pick up for under a tenner if you don't already have one!

Fuzzy - well, she's just about to learn that you shouldn't offer if you don't mean it, isn't she It's worth paying a bit extra up front to have reduced running costs even more so when you aren't paying for it in the first place

saltnpepper when you have a debilitating illness, feel free to spout crap, until then, keep your deeply unpleasant thoughts to yourself hey.

IsItMe - a thread just for you SOUP

I agree, IsIt - a stick blender is brilliant you can just cook any veg and make it into soup. Try roasting some sweet potato, red pepper (autocorrect changed that to 'red people' :o) and red onion, then blend it with a bit of stock, it's amazing.

I'm already not my mother, like I said, we don't have pests and all our windows are fully intact :o

Lakeland also have these heated airers that I've heard good things about. There's this one and they also do a two-tier one.

Might be cheaper to run than a tumble drier.

You don't even need a blender for soup, roughly cut up the veg and use a potato masher and mash the veg down when it's cooked. If your parents are coming to help I would suggest you ask your mum to concentrate on the kitchen and your dad to concentrate on another room. Suggest this before she comes so that she can plan what she is doing. You have to be very strict about what you keep and what goes. The difficulty is keeping it tidy, there is no point in spending all this time and help for it to be as bad next week. I agree a tumble dryer would help especially for all the small stuff, socks underwear, t shirts, shirts etc. as soon as they are dry, put them into piles for everyone and when you go into their room you put the clothes into the correct drawer. Btw I think when you live in a muddle you don't see it as much as other people see it, probably this is you mother, she sees yours but not her own. She might just be concerned for you because it's not very healthy staying in a house with mould. It's obviously damp she is smelling. I think you might just need to clear the clutter, air the house and then get it dried out, ie put the heating on.

I've recently got much better at putting clothes away recently - basically because we heavily decluttered and reorganised our room. This was ironically also the reason there was more laundry - a load of bedding had got very musty in the wardrobe so that was most likely the main culprit smell wise. If I was able to get to a laundrette I would have. As it is I'm chucking a fair bit away as we don't need that much but what we do keep needed washing before putting away properly.

Since earlier this year the DCs are well trained so their clothes are no effort for me once they're dry, they put it all away themselves now.

I do think a TD would be brilliant as it would save a huge amount of energy and pain (I get a lot of pain in my hands so hanging out washing can be difficult especially things like heavy towels). Virtually everything we own is TDable. Also we don't have a garden so even in hot weather it's hard to get clothes dry (I do put them on an airer and get them outside whenever it's not really windy, but the pathway outside usually stinks of weed thanks to our neighbour :( ). If a TD isn't possible I will look into that heated airer!

I think you're right, I don't see/smell a lot of it because I am so used to it, and I guess that is what it was like with my parents too (although I would say something as bad as bugs/broken windows shouldn't become invisible!). But last year my parents sort of split up - long story but basically they sold the house and bought separate flats. My mum got a great deal on a spacious flat and is actually doing brilliantly sorting out her new place, getting rid of stuff (my dad not so). So I guess now she is even more sensitive to it.

I am struggling today being totally worn out from work this week but I'm determined to keep up with laundry.

Don't over do it, you don't want a massive flare up x

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction, good luck but just remember if you are offered help, take it.

Thanks again everyone. Pleased to report that just now we went through the cupboard under the stairs, 3 bin bags gone and now a much tidier hallway as all the shoes are on the rack etc. And more importantly the DCs bikes and scooters are now in said cupboard instead of the kitchen... So there is now definitely room for a tumble drier :o

IsIt you're right about it being easier for them to give money than other types of support. DH even asked if it bothered me that they are assuaging their guilt via their chequebooks! But I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. It is a generous offer, one we couldn't possibly manage ourselves, and yes it is much easier for them (especially now they've sold the house and know where they are financially) to give money than, say, babysitting more. TBF mum did actually mention it on the first phonecall so before DH told her she had upset me.

deste yes I need to get better generally at accepting and asking for help. The asking for help in particular is generally very difficult for me, largely as I'm ashamed I can't manage all this stuff myself!

As well as taking photos of the tidied bits, I also take pics of the recycling / rubbish etc as I get rid (not all the rubbish, I'm not that odd - just the tidied-up bits), as this always seems like an encouragingly big amount, when I look back.

I Don't know you or your story but I just wanted to say you sound like you are doing incredibly well. It's hard to make a start and get stuff sorted when it is all on top of you and feels overwhelming but you sound like you have done an amazing job so far. I just wanted to encourage you to keep going and the more you do the better you will feel!

That's a good afternoons work...and YAY to having room for the dryer! Have you chosen one yet?

Don't you dare feel guilty about her buying you a dryer, nor let her weasel out of it. It's the very least she can do for you!

One little tip, just make sure that's it's very easy to get the bikes & scooters in & out or they won't get put away! Move anything that makes it a pain in the arse!

YAY for Team Fuzzy!

Yep it should be pretty easy now we've sorted out the massive pile of shoes/bags etc! As long as we are disciplined about it (which IME does seem to work when we are only introducing one family rule at a time rather than loads) then the hallway should remain clear.

I'd not thought of actually looking in advance at TDs - but I just remembered we have access to Which? at work so I can get there early tomorrow and have a look.

Got to put another wash on. DH is ironing after (he is very excited at the prospect of no longer having to iron as much!)

oh sweetheart

I don't claim to know how I feel but I can identify with cruel criticism. your own mother nevertheless, who should be supportive and should be telling you that it will be ok, it's not that bad...

talk about kicking you when you're down

my washing machine stinks - it's the limescale. try to run it with an empty hot wash (90°C) with 3 pints of vinegar. you might need to repeat it, but it should get rid of gunk and stink

(massive hugs)

*how YOU feel

rubbish typo there

Good idea to check out 'Which'. BIG capacity & running costs I think are the most important things to look for. You don't need one with a billion different options. Decide what you need, organise where to buy it from, when to have it delivered then ring your Mum and tell her all you need is for her to pay for it, then she can see it when she visits :)

He's a love isn't he :)

I realised I never came back and updated sorry

(And yes chipping my DH is in fact completely awesome :o)

I felt really cross for a couple of days. And anxious about my parents visiting. I kept remembering how horrible the house was when I was little, how much it's contributed to my issues (like the fact I started date checking the stuff my friend was making for lunch at her house - no prizes for where that paranoia comes from!). Clearly some stuff I still need to talk through.

The visit was actually good though. I'd been quietly miffed that they were going to arrive late afternoon as I'd hoped they'd come earlier - but they did! They specifically came earlier so they'd be in time to pick the DCs up in the car (I struggle with the walk sometimes). Babysitting went really well, I think now we are well through the baby/preschooler stage it hopefully won't seem so daunting (I was an incredibly passive only child, my two... erm, not so much) and so maybe they will do it again. The show DH and I saw was brilliant and we had a great time together.

Didn't get much house stuff done the next day as mum was making something for us (covers for some old chairs we were given - definitely necessary) and DS had appointments so it was great to get lifts to those.

Chosen the tumble dryer, not available in store so waiting for cheque to clear - dad is contributing too and we are putting in a little from savings because I would really like a ludicrously expensive heat pump one instead of a regular condenser - it'll save absolutely loads long term because of its efficiency. I spent ages on Which. Ludicrously excited!

In other news I also met the new family support worker at DS' school, meeting with her properly next week so hopefully that will help with the general feeling of struggling so much. :)

What a great update. So glad it was positive overall. X

Fuzz, I think we used to post on 'spoons' together, so hello again.. Sorry you've had such a crappy time but it sounds very much as if the storm has passed and you have regained some control of your life.

Can I recommend leaving a black sack, duster of whatever in each room so when you have even two minutes and a little energy you can continue to progress ( rather than it being a 'thing' to start up again).

God luck with your PIP. I have been through this very recently, finally with great success so if you need any assistance drop me a pm. The extra money is a godsend and a weekly cleaner would make so much difference.