disappointed by parents - advice please?

[PauloMartini]

Hi, I would really like some advice please on my relationship with my mum. Basically, I have 3 ch'n, oldest 9.5, middle 7, youngest 4. She lives 3 hours drive away and has never offered to babysit, even at her house for a couple of hours when we asked. (she doesn't have many commitments/hobbies and can get a saver bus which we could pay for and we pick her up from station) When I was pregnant she practically broke her neck to be at hospital first to see babies but when hard work kicks in, can't be seen for dust. MIL lives 1.5 hours away, is in a wheelchair and babysits as much as she can, approx. 10 days this year.

My mum 'forgot' to get the kids xmas presents a few years ago as they were going on a cruise and when she got back didn't have any money left to post them up. I've been ill with depression in March this year, had to see CPN a couple times a week for 3 months. My mum was first person I phoned, crying down phone not coping any more (she had depression too when we were young). She came to visit for daughters birthday but not been up at all since then. We've been totally skint and can't afford to visit her (ive defaulted on 1/2 of my bills), she has dogs and kids are allergic so we can't stay at hers. She doesn't work and doesn't travel about so could come up to visit. I know I shouldn't expect her to come up and help but I thought she would have wanted... I've a bit of a turbulent relationship with her as no affection for us as children/teenagers also. Basically her mum never cuddled/babysat and she's just repeating that.

ANYWAY (So sorry about the long thread), with my 3 kids I just know I could never do that to my kids. I've been feeling really hurt/disappointed lately. My husband is adopted and his parents make much more effort. She makes comments on facebook, love my grandkids to bits but doesn't want to spend time with them. Been feeling v angry and hurt lately so I unfriended her on FB as was feeling so hurt etc. I'm just looking for advice here... Have I expected too much? How do you deal with this without getting angry about it? I've spoken to her about it a month ago and its as if she's done nothing wrong but I get the impression she thinks shes a good parent/grandparent. I've tried to lower my expectations, tried to shut it out of my head but just need advice on how to move on as its cracking me up lol.

patronising, your advice is very true. my judgements are currently v clouded by emotion so this is v. helpful thankyou.

Have you tried reading the book The Emotionally Absent Mother?

I highly recommend it.

I found it almost life-changing (and I thought I had already sorted out most of my mummy-ishoos).

It helped me properly accept that I am breaking the cycle. Helpful because I suffer from worrying that I am just like her on the odd occasion I fail to provide the right cuddle at the right time to the DC, or tune out when one is telling me a long winded story about the velcro on his shoes.

meerka, thanks. I do feel like I'm grieving... I think accepting will ease the feelings of anger/rejection.x

thelittleone: that sounds like a book I really need to read. Thanks x

Just wanted to add my support. It's something I have felt too tho my feeling are quite mixed at the moment. I went head on last year and through the book at her all my years of accumulating anger. She was heart broken I am now looking at the good in her and holding on to that, and expect nothing else from her. I still love her and I know how much she loves me and my children but she has just never been 'good' with children as I obviously know. but whoabetied anyone who upset or cross her children and she would bring a house down on them.
There is a thread on relationships called "but we took you to stately homes?" again it is about just these sort of situations. I have offen hovered over it, but just don't think I'm ready to go there yet. silly I know.
I also want to brake the cycle. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice. But know how you feel.

Just wanted to say, you must be my sister.
Mother is first to show off when kids do something, loved pushing the pram when they were little so people thought she was the mum ("im too young to be a grandmother") but invests nothing in relationships with them. Doesn't ever ask to see them, hasn't babysat in years. I hate asking them because they will just let the kids sit in front of the tv all day - claims she's too old (very young 65 year old with huge social life). Argh the list goes on.
As someone above said, I've just learnt to expect nothing.
Dont think she's ever cooked them dinner - the rare time she's had them over dinner time, she'll take them for an expensive meal to show how generous she is but it's just an excuse to drink while having them. I've given up. You have my utmost sympathy.

It's hard being a grandma in a relationship with a new man who is not the grandad.

We help where we can but we are rather busy enjoying our own lives.

I love my grand kids andnever forget a birthday or Christmas but if we get chance to go away , the we do.

It sounds very selfish but like I say we help where we can but cannot provide on tap childminding for the mothers to work because as soon as we get a chance we are off.

Sorry your feeling upset Op , but I think expecting someone to travel for three hours on a bus to babysit is just too much. That's a six hour round journey .

I regularly did a fortnightly six and a half hour round trip (bus, train, walk of several miles to school and take them back to their house) to pick up two of my grandkids from school in a town a long way from London. I was glad to do it, to help out my son and beloved daughter in law - but yes, it was totally exhausting, and I'm in my seventies. I can understand OP's mother not wanting to undertake such a journey - but on the other hand, it's horses for courses; I was glad to help them out and they appreciated it. Their other grandmama did a similar long trip and so between us, we helped out a lot. After a year my son and his wife were able to rearrange things so that our fortnightly treks weren't required.

She lives 3 hours drive away and has never offered to babysit, even at her house for a couple of hours when we asked.

I know I shouldn't expect her to come up and help but I thought she would have wanted...

This is about your expectations and feeling hurt and disappointed.

But actually, you have no right to expect your mother to want to babysit or to help you or even actually to want to come to see your children. Not everyone likes young children! Even some parents!!!

Why should you expect your mother to be interested in providing free child care for you? Or to inconvenience herself to travel to see you so that she can help you?

[I note that from your post your focus is not on her seeing the children/loving them/building a relationship with them - but on you, your need for a babysitter, your need for help].

I think that in the modern world people just expect grandparents to be providing lots of free labour as a given right. Sorry but grandparents who have spent their lives raising one set of children are entitled to do as they please.

I know a man in his 70s who said to me "I thought that when I held my first grandchild I would feel a sense of bonding and generational affection but actually I didn't feel anything". He was making the point that actually for a grandchild, it is illogical to (in the abstract) feel love or a connection based purely on genetics. & that this was different from a child where you took a decision to create that child and look after it.

People are different. There is nothing wrong with you wishing your mother were more interested. But equally there is nothing wrong with her having no interest at all.

The challenge for you is adjusting your own attitude to get rid of your resentment. Of course it's a shame but there's nothing you can do about it. You can't change her; you can only change your reaction to her.

Isn't part of being a mother is to help out your children? Which to me is helping you child (albeit a grown up ones) with their children. I don't mean having to do it every week but surely the odd bit of babysitting or anything else.

My mum wanted and still does to be seen as the wonderful grandmother but to her that involved spending ridiculous amounts on plastic tat. What they wanted was her to spend time with them.

I agree with selfloathing , there seems to be an expectation that grandparents will and should provide endless childcare . I've seen threads on here from people who are irate because their recently retired mother refused to provide full time child care while they work. Another poster was irate to discover grandparents had gone out for the day and not taken her kids with them.

Expecting someone to travel three hours on public transport to babysit is ridiculous. Presumably the grandparent in this scenario wouldn't be returning the same day so this would involve an overnight stay also. Surely it would be easier to find someone local to babysit and pay them. If I was the grandparent in this scenario , having been sulked at and kicked off Facebook I'd be livid.

I can't get over the THREE HOURS DRIVE away.

I think there is a middle way here.
Many grandparents do feel a bond with their grandchildren and care very much about their happiness.
However you are expecting a lot in practical terms. Three hours each way to babysit is a very big ask unless it is for something very special.
People do have less energy as they get older.
However "forgetting" Christmas presents is a bit hurtful.
I think that her involvement is on the low side and your expectations are very high. A bit of a mismatch.

I would hope the three hour drive would be incorporated into a weekend visit so grandparent wouldn't be going home the same night.

I remember my parents coming on holiday with is. How I longed for them to offer to babysit just for one night so we could go out for a meal on our own. Bearing in mind they invited themselves so they get to know the DC better

I notice not many grandfathers are expected to babysit like this. Just grandmother's. I think it incredibly unfair , and sexist , that a woman is expected to spend her entire life caring for others. By the time a woman is a grandmother she has raised her own children and probably also provided care for elderly relatives also. Are women of retirement age not allowed a life of their own ? Must they carry on giving , nurturing and catering to other people's expectations and continue putting everyone else first ?

Why are grandfathers not subjected to the same expectations ?

If the Op has had ten nights out in the last year she's luckier than most people with three children.

OMG

I just saw this bit which I hadn't registered

Been feeling v angry and hurt lately so I unfriended her on FB as was feeling so hurt etc.

Oh come on! How old are you? You unfriended your own mother!!!
What for? To make a point? Who does that?

Really, grow up. Is it any surprise she's not bending over backwards to help you out if you treat her like that?

Some people are really wilfully misreading the OP. Yes, the 3 hrs is a long journey but you need to read the whole OP. Forgetting Christmas presents? The public declarations of love for grandchildren without any attempt to spend time with them?

With my parents they are constantly babysitting for my sibling. They travel round the world but can't be bothered travelling to see us. On the rare occasions they do come it's all about entertaining them. They have never once volunteered to babysit up here so DH and I could go and get a meal, in contrast to my PIL who immediately volunteered to help out and insist on us going out for a meal or a drink because they know we rarely get the chance.

Yes, unfriending on FB may seem childish but maybe the OP got sick of all the 'I wuv my grandkids' posts when she knows that her mother doesn't give a hoot. Selfishness is hurtful.

It seems babysitting = loves grandkids.
No babysitting = terrible grandparents who don't give a shit.

Grandparents can offer a lot of support without having to do physical care. I find it sad that some people measure the love of grandparents by the amount of babysitting they do.

Are siblings , aunts , uncles and nieces subjected to the same sort of logic ? No babysitting therefore shit uncle , niece , brother or sister ?

Oneskinny it sounds like when your parents do visit they're hoping to spend time with you all instead of being used for childcare. Why would they want you to go out when the purpose of the visit was to see you ?

"It seems babysitting = loves grandkids.
No babysitting = terrible grandparents who don't give a shit".

Not necessarily in my case because my parents did baby sit occasionally.
I am heartened that there are grandparents out there who do step up but not all families for many and varied reasons are as emotionally healthy.

I distanced myself from my own parents many years back due primarily to their own lack of interest that became increasingly apparent when I became a parent myself. The writing was on the wall re my mother and years ago when I was in my teens she told me that if I went back to work after having children there was no way she was going to look after any of them. Her attitude was been there, done that and she kept her word. I would even go as far to say that I do not think she ever wanted to be a grandparent anyway.

I used to be the parent who stood alone in the school hall at Christmas time watching my child in the play because my parents never wanted to attend any nativity play or any event like sports day because they were busy shopping or cleaning my DBs house. I eventually stopped asking and it got easier as my child got older. They were and have subsequently been proven to both patently uninterested and not at all bothered as grandparents. My mother used to and for that matter still cleans my brother's house regularly and does not see us much even though we live in the same town. She would rather clean an empty house than mix with other people, she has no friends.

They have indeed taught me an abject lesson also in how not to behave.

AFs earlier comment written on November 6th is something I would indeed agree with.

If you do have one set of interested grandparents PauloMartini concentrate on them instead. Gratitude is a great antidote to loss.

My parents went to one 'show' my daughter was in - and caused a fuss and great embarrassment so we didn't ask them again.

Ballerina to be clear they will come up and see all of us or go out themselves. They have never once offered to give us a rare evening out even though they frequently help my sibling in this way. PIL are older and travel further but have never once visited without offering to give us a night out. They are incredibly generous in so many other ways.

It is difficult to explain without sounding petty or outing myself but it's just a tiny symptom of a much wider selfishness. So we have distanced ourselves. We are happy to have my parents here but we don't go out of our way to travel to see them. They have retired while DH and I work. There is no reason why they can't come to us.

I do sympathise with the OP. It is not unreasonable to expect some kindness and fairness from family.

I do see both sides of this. Ive seen this issue come up time and time again. By the issue I mean the babysitting issue. It is reasonable to expect kindness and support from grandparents. It's reasonable to expect them to show an interest in your children. It's not reasonable that they have raised their own family and are now expected to provide endless childcare for a grandchild. Especially when they live a three hour drive away.

I'm not a grandparent but reading about some people's expectations of grandparents makes me cringe. Like attillas mum I have no intention of providing full time child care if my daughter wants to return to work. I also have no intention of being expected to babysit all the time. That's not to say I won't be involved / go to school plays ect or that I won't help out occasionally. But it does mean if my value as a grandparent is measured by how much childcare I will providing I suspect my daughter will be disappointed.

The provision of childcare seems to cause so much resentment. Surely if a grandparent doesn't want to provide childcare it's better to respect that and organize an alternative instead of building up bad feeling. Like many other teenagers I earnt my pocket money babysitting for my mums friends and various neighbours. Does nobody do this anymore ?

In the ops case it would be far easier and fairer to get a local babysitter and pay them. You simply cannot expect someone to make a six hour round journey to babysit for you.

I never wanted endless babysitting - I would have like the occasional offer. When the DC were younger we couldn't afford to go out once a month. The offer of help so we could go out for our birthdays would have gone a long way to help.