Help! I have created a useless husband

[uptheroad]

When the dc were little I started to do everything regarding childcare and housework whilst dh went to work. At the time this seemed pretty fair and came naturally. However, now the dc are 8 and 10 and I still do EVERYTHING. All housework and all childcare. The difference is that now I work too. For 3 years I have worked 4 days a week but nothing has changed for him. I am completely frazzled and feel totally unappreciated . On top of this dh barely shows me any affection except for when he wants sex. Recently I have started to think about being with another man who appreciates me, which would horrify dh. However, I can see I am partly to blame for letting him get away with it for so long. How can I get him to see that he needs to help more and show me more love without sounding like a nagging wife. I need him to stop treating me like a housekeeper with benefits.

Totally agree with tobysmum.

You shouldn't be asking him to give you a hand; you should telling him that you've let him take the piss for too long, and it's time to step up to being a responsible adult. You write a list of everything and divide the chores up 50:50.

Even if you decide to get a cleaner you need to make sure he's pulling his weight on the remaining tasks.

He doesn't see what you do? And you think this is your fault, because you're unobtrusively efficient.

He's cold and unaffectionate, because of his mum.

You're very obliging.

He's negating you at every turn? Making your contribution invisible? Giving you no validation?

Please tell me I'm wrong.

I'm sorry hernitcrab but your methods where you basically treat your husband like a child, makes my teeth itch. AS for asking him to "give you a hand" with laundry - since when is laundry your job that he "gives you a hand" with?

stewedcoot's and MsNittens ideas are much much better. Treats him and you like equal adults, not mummy and naughty boy!

I'm puzzled as to how OP thinks this is her problem to fix.

Tell him you are fantasising about being loved by an appreciative man, surely. Let him be horrified. Let him be so horrified that he wakes up out of his complacent dream

I do think you need to talk to him ( ... and maybe drop riverland's suggestion into the convo! :D )

But you will have to back it up by action. It'll take a while for him to really realise that you mean it, that you want him to pull his weight. You might also have to show him how to do things if he's not done them for a long time. Other than that, hermit's suggestions are brilliant.

About the affection, what's that old thing? "men need sex to feel loved, women need love to have sex". Broad generalization but a lot of truth in it. Worth talking to him about that too? A relationship without affection is going to wither on the vine til you're left with living with a flatshare that you occasionally put out for. Lovely.

I simply cannot imagine not blowing a fuse over this. Essentially by his actions he is saying that it is your job to keep the house regardless of your actual job, and that you are his for sex when he wants it. How is the equal? My DP does the lion's share of housework, for a variety of reasons (mostly that I have a long hours job and a time-consuming hobby) but what I like most is that he takes responsibility for it: he doesn't see him doing housework as 'helping' me, he sees it as doing what needs doing.

Why will it "take him a while to realise?" He's not 10!

Becuase when there's been a status quo for a long time, it generally takes a while for a change in that to sink in.

Habit, especially habit which means you can be lazy, is not easy to change. OP is absolutely right to get him to bloody well pull his weight, but he won't like the change at first. (ok, you can say Diddums to that!) It's just a matter of being aware that he might try to wriggle out of it at first.

If you were to need to go away for a couple of weeks for some reason - visit a relative, go on a course - he might find how much he misses you and be more receptive to hearing how you feel, too? But he should just respond to an honest conversation, I would have thought. Problem is, he probably thinks that this is the way you basically want it - complete power. My dad is like this and has no commitment to outcomes in the home/family because he sees my mum as being totally competent, even to the point of being able to magically compensate if he forgets to do what she tells him to do! I would see that as an organic problem that's just developed and that probably seems like the natural order of things because of its familiarity. Not to say that it doesn't need to change though - just that you need to at least begin on his side, so to speak. I actually don't see why your kids can't muck in too, where appropriate. No need to have this cycle repeat itself into the next generation.

One more thought. I wouldn't expect him to automatically see what needs to be done. I honestly think that's expecting too much. A mutually agreed rota that you stick to because you both care about meeting the other's needs would be good. Hate to think of you being a skivvy but also hate to think of a man feeling like he's suddenly become a naughty boy, IYSWIM. Even if he is, by our lights, behaving in a scandalously lazy manner! Nothing good is likely to come out of it unless he has considerable depth of character and not much ego.

Meerka I agree that it might take a while to implement change. But the realisation that he has treated his wife like a housekeeper for 10 years can and should happen in a split second!

definitely, bit!

That's why she needs to be plain about it, not go beating around the bush and playing games and dropping hints

tobysmum, Twinklestein BitOutOfPractice

I never said I was right or wrong, everybody is different. I don't see my relationship as having a problem, so it's just the way I deal with it when things slack. If I'm doing the laundry and he's watching the telly, I don't say "oh come here pumpkin and help me dear" I literally say "oi, get off your arse and gimme a hand" and he just says "oh flippin eck" in a jokey, rolls eyes kind of way and it's done, If id have let it pile up for a week it would EVENTUALLY be done, but I'm a pushy cow ;) . Then the next week he might do it without me, or he might need to ask me to do something... nothing to do with treating him like a child.

The OP asked for ways to do it without conflict, so I gave her a suggestion.

I equally think that the "writing lists" "handing out tasks" and "sitting down and having a meeting" is regimented, school like and IS like treating someone as a child who needs sitting down and talking to, that's what I'd do if an employee is slacking, not my partner.

I just get on with shit as and when it hits me, without all the fuss. It works for me an my OH, doesn't for others. All depends on how you communicate in the first place, everyone is different!

:) xx

Of course he doesn't see what you do. Housework is the invisible job! DH said to me he hates it (still does it!) because you do all the cleaning etc and the next day it looks the same! Wow no shit Sherlock! Welcome to our world.

Firstly you need to talk to him and explain how you feel. You should be able to agree to do separate tasks, like him doing the ironing, hoovering, washing up. If he refuses that is a whole new problem.

If it is true that he just doesn't realise and likes his cushy life, ie he isn't the type to manipulate to take advantage, then it should be fairly easily fixed.

General "help" with housework is not going to work. He needs jobs that are "his". I bet he has a few already, bins? Lawn? Add more.

Pick a couple of the biggest most hated jobs and hand them over to him in their entirety. Don't ask, tell him these are his jobs now as you are tired of doing it. Then detach. These are now his jobs. Don't remind him, check up, criticise, advise. No giving top tips or "helping".

Think of it like him showering: it is important to you that he does it, you wouldn't remind him to do it, nag, check he did it right, comment if he did it a different way to you, wander over with a flannel to wash his bum for him if you were annoyed he had left it unwashed too long, etc

Laundry is a brilliant one to hand over. It takes fecking ages, is relentless, is theoretically easy, and failure to do it is obvious to everyone.

Preparing bags and clothes for the next day too. This shows up failure to do laundry, e.g. No clean socks for DD. Also shows how much thought goes into it all and requires engagement with planning DC activities.

Meal planning and online groceries is another brilliant one.

Also if DC are 8 and 10 you should not be doing the dishwasher, table wiping or hoovering. Those are the most perfect jobs for that age. Make pocket money, screen time etc depend on it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, having been through similar, the adjustment phase will make you want to scream and throw your toys out of the pram. Repeatedly.

It will make your life harder at first. Grit your teeth for a month or two, be unwaveringly consistent at responsibility for the chosen tasks being for DH and DC. Do not pick up the slack to help or because just this once it will be easier if you do it yourself.

My DH is a true feminist thanks to his old skool feminist mother who makes Germaine Greer look like Carrie Bradshaw but we still went through this pain when I went back after the last maternity leave. It is human nature to let someone else do the drudge work for you, if they let you get away with it.

Read Wifework or Half a Wife. They helped me keep my head on straight while adjusting.

Our sex life picked up dramatically when the housework issue was sorted. Mutual respect returned. Mutual resentment dropped.

theHernitCrab it's not the tone of voice you say it in. It's the idea that he is "helping you" with what must therefore essentially be your job. Why is it your job that he sometimes helps you with? I assume he wears clothes as well

bitoutofpractice

"theHernitCrab it's not the tone of voice you say it in. It's the idea that he is "helping you" with what must therefore essentially be your job. Why is it your job that he sometimes helps you with? I assume he wears clothes as well"

It's just a phrase, I'm not going to be pedantic about the words I use if it works. I just like to ask him to help when I want him to instead of demanding or instructing. He doesn't think they are MY jobs, like I said... they would eventually get done, just not at the best times. In fact, he has more "his jobs" than I have mine. He always does the litter tray and washing up (As I'm pregnant, so don't want to touch the litter and I have allergies to washing up liquid). I just do what needs doing, only I usually notice before him, so I say "oi, this needs doing", it really is uneventful.

Don't need chore lists, don't need instructions, don't need to sit him down or talk to him about "fair share" or any other nonsense that would just leave both of us feeling wound up and daft. Some couples do that because it works for them, others kick and scream, others chill out and both live like slobs :)

I'm happy, he's happy, stuff gets done, and it works :) Don't know why someone would pick at the words I use just for the sake of their own feelings on it.

I give up.

Look, it's not about you asking for help. It's him just doing stuff that needs doing.

It's not the word I'm picking up on. It's the whole concept that you have work to do and sometimes he kindly helps you with it when you ask him! It's both your work. It doesn't belong to one or the other of you.

It's great that it works for you . Fab. But I would not like to live in a house where the prevailing consensus was that I had work that I was expected to own and had to ask for help as a favour

bitoutofpractice

Christ on a bike this isn't even my thread. Nothing is wrong in my relationship, I've tried to be friendly and said I am happy.

I already told you once he doesn't see anything as "my work" and does the work, he just happens to take a lot longer noticing it and doing it than I would like. (i.e things pile up, then he will do it, I don't like that, so I push him before it gets like that) If I left it, he'd do it without me asking. As I said.. more than once. huge sigh

You are judging it all wrong based on a small amount of information I gave to the OP... and giving your opinion where I don't want. Obviously I offered this info to OP and if she wanted to judge me (fair doos) or ask me to elaborate I would.

So I'm just going to say keep your nose out of my bit and concentrate on the OP. It's completely daft to try and pick holes or see a negative in a situation I haven't asked for help for, because it doesn't match your views or opinions on how things should be.

It's really not worth the fuss. So leave me be about it :)

I know you have and I've said I'm pleased for you!

Back at ya with the and the Christ on a bike.

I genuinely don't think DP knows how much effort goes into organising things and I also don't think he sees a lot of things so I have just started asking/telling him to do things. I also accept he is not going to do them exactly as I want them and exactly when I want them done but then my way isn't necessarily the right way. If we have friends coming to stay, I would have always been the one make sure the guest room was ready, the bathroom had been cleaned etc. Friends are coming tomorrow so I asked him yesterday morning if he could make sure that that was all done before they arrived. I am now itching to just go & do it but that won't achieve anything and it doesn't matter that it isn't done yet so I am ignoring it. Likewise, I used to do all of the supermarket shopping, then he started going but with a list done by me of everything we needed & now I do a much more casual thing of "we need the basics (bread, milk, bananas etc), supper for us on X day and Y day and lunch for us all on Z day and then specifically mention a couple if irregular items we might need eg tomato ketchup or flour" and leave him to get on with it. Not only have I handed over responsibility for the shopping but for the meal planning too :-) I have also given him the password for my online shopping account so he can do it that way if he wants.
I'm not saying it is a perfect system. I did twitch and rescue DD's damp swim stuff from her bag the other day as it was going to get smelly and I was annoyed that he hadn't put her reading book back in the right place but it has improved things.
Another thing I found interesting was to ask him what he did for me. There were various little things which he does which do actually mount up and make a bit of a difference & I hadn't really appreciated that he did them.