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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is Being Liked Incredibly Important to You?

58 replies

BaconAndAvocado · 06/11/2014 12:03

It's come to my notice that a work colleague doesn't like me.

I really don't like him either but the insecure idiot in me can't seem to deal with someone not liking me.

How weird is that?

I know I need to man up.......help!

Tia

OP posts:
NickiFury · 06/11/2014 22:38

In answer to your OP question, in a word, no.

I also have learned after many years that you cannot make a person like you and if you try to they perceive that as weak and will step up the unpleasantness. I respond to these people in exactly the same way as they treat me. Sharp tone? Same back. Ignoring? ignore right back. Impatience, exactly the same. You don't have to be polite to people who are rude and dismissive to you, you can just do it right back and I think a lot of people have trouble realising that.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/11/2014 22:41

Yes it is. Got to be honest.

pharmgirl · 06/11/2014 23:01

I had this once at work and it was really a jolt to realise someone disliked me intensely. I'd reachd my 50s and had never felt it before. I now accept that I was a trigger for that peson's feelings and it was her problem, not mine IYSWIM. It was very much a jealousy issue.

Yarp · 07/11/2014 06:26

Rumred

Yes, the last time this happened in a very obvious way was with my immediate superior. I think there was some kind of projection going on on her part. Others really liked her, as did I, but then a few started to notice how she spoke to me. It never got to the stage of bullying, more snippiness and aften disagreeing when just chatting. I think she was stressed and took it out on me. I started by trying to please her but then gave up on that.

Fortunately, she left. I have a good opinion of her as a professional and have come to terms with the fact she just didn't like me, but it is sooooo much harder dealing with this with a work superior. I have no problem with it socially.

Yarp · 07/11/2014 06:27

Pharmgirl

Yes, I agree. i think I was atrigger for her feelings

rumred · 08/11/2014 11:58

I think it's only human to care what others think of us. we need others to reflect ourselves back to us. it's problematic when someone seems to be behaving and judging unfairly or unreasonably. then most of us do what the op is doing- fret and wonder if they have a point or are just an arse

I would love to not give a shit but im unlikely to achieve this, at least not imminently.

dadwood · 08/11/2014 12:19

If somebody doesn't like me, I assume it's my failing and try hard to alter my approach until they do like me! That is, unless it's over a point of principle or my core values.

I guess I believe in the rightness of my core values and not in the innate acceptability of myself.

It would be good to get over this and stand proud in my own dadwoodness in addition to my principles and beliefs!

Anyone else feel this way?

rumred · 08/11/2014 12:21

hell yes but I try to see it objectively by getting others' views as well as my own flagellating self's

emanresU · 08/11/2014 12:23

Yes. Up until probably the past year or so I could say that being liked was incredibly important to me - always bending over backwards to help people out and please people

It's taken me 48 years to realise I don't have to be liked by everyone or indeed any one but myself - it's a huge relief to me to know this

dadwood · 08/11/2014 12:26

rumred, a fringe benefit of this is that you get to be a better listener and people watcher and you have sympathy for those who do not have high self confidence.

WildBillfemale · 08/11/2014 12:28

You can't win them all and don't waste head space trying.

dadwood · 08/11/2014 12:30

emanresU

It's taken me 48 years to realise I don't have to be liked by everyone or indeed any one but myself - it's a huge relief to me to know this

How did you achieve this?

daisychain01 · 08/11/2014 12:44

In answer to your thread question, Bacon - I care to an extent, but life has taught me that it only matters if I make it matter - especially at work. And you can't always control it.

I rationalise it by saying we are all thrown together randomly at work, no choice but to get on with people.

In psycho-jargon it's called "Circle of Influence versus Circle of Concern". iow, there are things I may be concerned about, but cannot fix, and within that wider circle is a smaller circle that I can influence - my behaviour, my thoughts and how I choose to perceive others. Also another technique is to rationalise the fact that people don't come to work deliberately to hate each other - shit happens, they may have their own demons, and somehow we may get caught up in that stuff even if we have had diddly-squat to do with it !! Separate the stories going on inside your head, with reality. I ask myself:

Why would it be that they have taken a dislike to me? probably the answer is there is no reason - so time to move way from the thought.

I have felt the sharp vibes in my back of randoms "not liking me" - to them I have held up two very satisfying 'virtual fingers' in their general direction (in my head).

I am super-nice when dealing with them (a great piss-em-off tactic!) and avoid them when choosing people to give End-of Year feedback (I won't give them the satisfaction of being asked to evaluate me).

I'd say as long as you are respectful, behave decent and don't stab people in the back to progress, I wouldn't give a Flying Four-X.

The root cause IME is (#1 being the most common) -

  1. they feels threatened because you do a better job than them;
  2. they have personal issues, not related to work, but need someone to take it out on;
  3. they are just unpleasant people and generally exude negative vibes;
  4. your personalities don't mesh (they just aren't your type of person and you aren't their's)
daisychain01 · 08/11/2014 12:45

behave decently

emanresU · 08/11/2014 12:47

It's hard to say without going into great personal detail which I don't want to do

Suffice to say I've had a fair load of shit come my way despite always trying to please people - I suppose I just realise that I'm actually a nice person, with my own particular mini faults, but wholly someone I quite like. I don't need anyone else's endorsement ...... anymore.

daisychain01 · 08/11/2014 12:47

I meant to ask - are they actually important to you, in terms of you needing to deal with them regularly to get your job done?

If yes, then I would invest some time to tactfully work with them to break down barriers, and try to know them better - investment is commensurate with the benefit you derive from a better relationship.

If no, spin on your heals, ignore, smile non-committally/blandly whenever you have to cross their path by the coffee machine.

rumred · 08/11/2014 13:05

my recent experience with my boss suggests it can be rather complex and difficult to sort out sometimes. some people just aren't very nice or self aware. and does it perhaps make them feel better to be mean to another person? or self righteous? or god knows what. and therein lies the problem- when someone has an issue with you which they will not deal with, you can only guess at its origins and how you should manage it

dadwood · 08/11/2014 13:18

rumred Or you could ask them directly:

''What deep seated and intractable emotional issues do you have which make you not like me?"

Grin

Perhaps that's not a sensible approach to a boss.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/11/2014 13:36

How do you know he doesn't 'like you', OP? I'm genuinely interested in this because I work remotely, have an office I visit every couple of weeks and get on with everybody there - except one. My line manager. I don't rate his competence but he is a nice person. He overtries to be friendly (with everybody) and it grates to varying degrees with different people.

I'm not a chatty sort at work by nature but I have maybe five people at work (out of maybe 100), who I have genuine affection for and it's mutual. Everybody else I am professionally 'friendly' with, chit-chat but nothing else.

What does he do - and what do you do, that makes you not like each other? Do you do an 'Elvis sneer' (in your head, of course) everytime you see him? Grit your teeth? Feel a bit sick? What?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 08/11/2014 13:48

No it wouldn't bother me.

I remember sobbing to my Mum because someone at school clearly didn't like me and she said "You won't like everyone you meet and in turn not everyone that meets you will like you."

It really helped me as she was right, I didn't like everyone and it would be ridiculous to think of myself as universally likeable.

There will always be people you don't gel with and there's little point worrying about it.

Can you imagine if we did get on with everyone - every spare moment would be spent writing Christmas and Birthday cards!

ThursdayLast · 08/11/2014 14:05

I hate when I think I might have done something wrong or offended someone. Even if I don't like them, I think it's a moral high ground thing.

BaconAndAvocado · 08/11/2014 17:14

lyingwitch I think!he doesn't like me because he often blanks me when I say hello.

It's getting so annoying because I think it's very rude. I feel like blanking him too but because he's a small-minded person I. Sure there would be repercussions!

Should I just smile and say hello every time?

OP posts:
BaconAndAvocado · 08/11/2014 17:19

Aimlessly I completely agree with your Mum........just wish I could live by that sentiment.

OP posts:
BaconAndAvocado · 08/11/2014 17:20

wildbill another great sentiment.

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 08/11/2014 17:25

I care less as I get older too.

Oh and yes, I'd smile and say hi probably every time.

I find that one of the ways in which my 'giving less of a fuck' feelings are expressed is by being the one who actions, rather than the one who reacts, and as I've got older I like that feeling much more. So if I wanted to say hi, I would. Whereas years ago I'd have decided what to do depending on HIS actions - whether to say hi in order to piss him off, or not say hi in order to show my displeasure, now I'd not consider him. I'd probably say hi because I generally like to be friendly to people in passing, because it makes me feel good. I don't care if they reply or not, to be honest. It's ALL ABOUT ME. Hahaha. Grin

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