Can't you just be civil enough until the kids are old enough for you to fuck off and leave?

[Puppy2014]

Sometimes you just need to write it down to realise what's been said, don't you?

Anyone else trying to live day to day making the most of an unhappy marriage?

So he used prostitutes - ugh, that in itself would be enough for me to bin any man because it tells me he sees women as disposable objects.

He did so while you were married thus being unfaithful and exposing you to the risk of STDs.

If I'm doing the sums right (you talk about the 3 years leading up to the affair) he did so while you were pregnant thus exposing your unborn child to the risk of STDs.

Then he had an affair (actually the most comprehensibly human bit of the story, but still utterly unacceptable within a marriage).

Then, while you were going for counselling together to try to deal with the aftermath of the affair, he continued to use prostitutes.

Someone upthread said "it sounds like you haven't forgiven him" like that's a bad thing! OP, in your circumstances I would never, ever forgive the fucking arsehole. And I would consider myself utterly morally justified in never ever forgiving. An unequivocal LTB from me.

Which is fine, but not if you've agreed to give the marriage another go. I think if you are agreeing to try again, it should at least be with the intention of eventual forgiveness and the rebuilding of trust, even if it might take years. Not fair to stay with someone and resent them forever.

Not that the OP has done this - she's tried to move on and can't (her husband's subsequent behaviour has a lot to do with this). That's fair enough but I agree now is the time to end it.

Fair enough, Barbarian, but it takes two to try to make things work - and the fact that he went back to seeing prostitutes while they were going for counselling rather suggests to me that he didn't give a shiny shit about trying to make it work.

Oh yes, I can quite see that. Poor OP

You hate him because of the past and I don't blame you.
It seems like under these circumstances you have 2 choices

1. Forgive and move on, but it is total forgiveness and trust him again
2. Leave him because you can't forgive or trust him again.

At the moment you are in limbo, not really doing either of the above.
Staying for the children is not good for you or the dc, they will know when they are older and you split and it will affect them even more as young adults. They will question everything they have ever learnt about relationships and it could be hard for them to form meaningful relationships.

I know it must be hard and you have been so good trying to keep it all together for the past 5 years, but its your time now and your happiness that is important

Precisely, OP. You have tried to do something which I personally think would have been impossible for many, prob the majority, of sane and self-respecting women - forgive your husband for using prostitutes and having a long-term affair (the fact that you know the OW's current life situation tells me that person is probably still in your realm somewhere too, adding more salt to an already unstoppable wound). You cannot and should not blame yourself for not being able to do something impossible!!! You have now put yourself in a good position to move on with your life without him, on your terms. Do so, and don't look back. This wretchen excuse for a man does not deserve you. Good luck.

*wretched not wretchen

By the way, Puppy, the quote from him you head the thread with is very telling. You would be well within your rights to tell him to fuck off, but no, this sorry excuse for a man thinks he can tell you that you should be the one to do that. He's a gobshite.

I would love to know how any decent human being with an ounce of self respect could forgive being put through all that, god knows why you are still there OP, no offence.

You can't forgive him because what he did was unforgivable.
Prostitutes - bad.
Affair - bad.
Carrying on the prostitutes during counselling?!!
There's just no way back from that.

Of course you know he's still using prostitutes. For why would he have stopped?

You can't forgive him, and frankly you shouldn't. I promise you that you'll be happier when you end.

with a comment like that, i'd tell him to fuck off. right there and then.

his visiting prostitutes? and all through counselling? AND an affair?

a marriage can only recover from an affair if the cheat is utterly contrite, and willing to do anything and everything to help his partner trust him again.

your h wants you to stfu so he can carry on doing whatever the fuck he likes. you 'let him off' the last time, so somehow he feels contempt for you and will carry on doing exactly what he wants, because he doesn't believe there will ever be consequences.

you've tried, he hasn't. you are not the person you were when you found out what he was doing, you're stronger.

kick him out. divorce him. he's not worth staying with, your children are worth better than a man who doesn't respect his family enough that he'll waste money on prostitutes and risk the health of their mother because of his sick indulgences.