Help! micro-witch running my love life!

[RedchairBluechair]

I’ve been in a relationship with a great woman since January. She has a 13 year old (an only child) who lives 50% with her and with the daughter’s dad, so they each have her every second week plus 50% of school holidays. I have 2 daughters, 15 and 17, who live with me every second weekend plus some holidays and I otherwise see a lot of. My girlfriend and I have arranged our lives so that every second weekend we do not have our children, and can spend time together.

Our two families have had a couple of shared holidays, and got on fine. My girlfriends’s daughter has stayed overnight at my house with my daughters and their two girl cousins. My two and me are due to stay overnight at my girlfriend’s place with her daughter there, on Saturday night.

My girlfriend’s daughter is often extremely rude to both parents, both privately and in public. She has apparently always been like it, so it is more than just teenagerish. My girls are saints by comparison. My girlfriend says her daughter is very like her ex partner, so it may be inherited/learned behaviour.

The real problem is that the daughter is extremely possessive of her mother, and forbids me to stay overnight at her mother’s house when she is there. The first time I did she threatened to sleep in the garden shed! Another occasion she went missing for hours. Another occasion when she learned that I was going to stay over she phoned her dad who picked her up and took her back to his. More recently I stayed one night midweek and took a roast chicken etc over because her mother had worked late, and the daughter refused to eat the meal and had her mother cook pasta which she ate in the same room but separately from us.

Tonight I was due to stay at my girlfriend’s but she said it would be too confrontational, so I’m home alone.

I am in a relationship where I can only see my girlfriend every second week! I try to be pragmatic about it but it’s getting me down. Help!

I was at micro witch but going to overlook it and reply. Until I read your "live with it" comment.
How rude are you?

I am in a relationship where I can only see my girlfriend every second week! I try to be pragmatic about it but it’s getting me down. Help!

How do you think a young girl feels only seeing her mum every second week and having to then share her with other people?

"we call her micro-witch. Live with it."

I am feeling so sorry for this poor child. No wonder she is acting up.

She's 13.
She's entitled to behave in an unreasonable manner.
I have no idea whether her behaviour is more worrying than 'normal' teenaged unreasonableness, but you must try to be the bigger person here.
Yes, turn it around: she's only seeing her mum every other week and has to 'share' her with you.
I think you need to be prepared to play a long game here and prove to her that she can trust you and that you have a commitment to her mother and her if you want to continue in this relationship longterm.

I think it is up to her mother (and her father) to manage her behaviour. You can only comment on it if invited and then only in the most polite terms tbh.

You're really not helping yourself OP.

She's 13.
She's entitled to behave in an unreasonable manner.

I'm sorry but this is absolute cra.p.

Entitled? What? Are you serious? Entitled to be rude? Entitled to "forbid" her mother to behave in certain ways? Entitled to behave unreasonably?

Absolutely not.

A 13 year old is still a child and needs to be taught to be polite and respectful.

It's of course understandable that she may behave unreasonably or be demanding. It is understanable that she may have behavioural issues that have developed as a result of her parents splitting up or because she thinks by her behaviour she can force them back together.

Understanding and care in responding to her is completely different from just assuming she's entitled to behave how she wants.

But if she is allowed free reign in bad behaviour she will grow into a rude, ill-mannered, chippy adult with a shed load of issues that will need years of psycho-therapy.

This needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later.

A 13 year old is still a child and needs to be taught to be polite and respectful

Yes, I agree.
She needs to be taught by her parents. And needs to see polite and respectful behaviour models for her.
By 'entitled' I meant to imply that teenage behaviour is not uncommonly not reasonable or polite or respectful or considerate or any of the other civilised forms of behaviours with learn with maturity. And of course this can vary from child to child and be more pronounce in different circumstances.
I am not excusing her behaviour (which I still feel is up to her parents to address), but was seeking to explain it. Apologies if that was unclear.

I think we are actually meaning v similar things here but I deployed the phrase 'entitled to be unreasonable' in a somewhat ambiguous manner intending it to be tongue-in-cheek. Which failed. Soz.

I don't think that type of behaviour is acceptable at all. Looks like she has been getting away with it for years and now it's catching up with them.

If I was you I wouldn't actually accept this behaviour as a long term thing. Only the parents can change it though.

You check out your ex's boyfriends? In what way? Why?

DD sounds incredibly rude, I know there is no way I would have cooked a separate meal for my DD if she was just being difficult and she needs to be pulled up on her behaviour not excused or it will only worse.

I know children come first but surely parents are entitled to have relationships? Maybe it is just embarrassment about the two of you sharing a bed while DD is there. Your GF needs to talk to her DD anyway and find out what the issue is. Good luck op.

The world doesn't revolve around our children but at 13 she's still a child and she needs to know she comes first. In her home it might be you she's taken an aversion to, or it could be any boyfriend her mum has. She could feel uncomfortable that letting her guard down around you is somehwo being disloyal to her dad. And I agree, realising parents have their own sexual lives is a bit boggling for any teen.

I agree being rude isn't really on but every other weekend an adult that isn't her father comes into her home and is cosy with her mum. At least the 13 yo has got to the point where she'll willingly sleep over at your house and go on holiday.

She won't always be this age. Maybe she'll always be 'challenging'. Give her time.

I don't think there is anything you can do to improve the situation OP because your girlfriend sounds just as silly as you, calling her own daughter a micro witch. The girl is obviously having problems and will continue to have problems parenting like that.

First off, my girlfriend calls herself the witch and her daughter the micro witch. Live with it

Yep because we all know it was a tongue in cheek nick-name given by the mother of the child?

Sheesh.

I am with the others here, get over yourself and start being a wee bit more tolerant and compassionate towards a young teen who has is obviously struggling with her change in circumstances.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your girlfriends daughters behaviour, it isn't your place to try to fix it.

Either you accept the rules your gf lays down or you discuss an alternative or you leave.

Why does your adult and presumably competent wife need her boyfriends vetted by you? Isn't she able to decide who can meet her own children?

so your GF cooked this child pasta rather than eat food you had brought?

the problem isn't the child. it's your gf.

she's a crap parent, and is more keen to be mates with her child than her mother.

end it. you deserve better.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and her mother is allowing it to continue. She doesn't get to dictate when her mother can have you over, and cooking her a seperate meal?! She'd have gone hungry if she were mine. She is gameplaying, and her mum is indulging her. If your girlfriend isn't prepared to lay down some rules you're better off out of it, because she will get worse not better.

My sister did this with my Mum and my lovely Step-Dad. She stamped, and ranted and cried and stropped.

She was 32 and we haven't seen her for 30 years

My Mum chose NOT to let her dictate the rest of her life.

The mother has no right to foist her shag-partner onto her children and the child is right to protest.

Grow up op. Start acting like an adult instead of a teenager.
You did not make it clear that 'witch' was an affectionate nickname in your op. I am still a little cynical about that tbh and no I won't live with it thanks.

I'm in the 'grow up' camp too. There was something a bit glib about your op.

Having said that, it sounds like her mother just isn't getting to grips with her behaviour, but as for the girl herself, it strikes me that she's been through an awful lot, and I'm sorry, but my view is that as an adult, you have to let the situation run. Is it really that big an issue not seeing your gf so often? Things are bound to change, hopefully improve, with the daughter, so I think you stick your tin hat on and deal with it.

Nothing wrong with encouraging your gf to address things more strongly though, as any of that has to come from the parents.