Panic

[Arkkorox]

Not sure if this is the right place for this but meh...

Im stressing, me and my partner had a very long and very brutal 5 hour (!) long chat on sunday night. We have suddenly found ourselfs in a less than ideal situation with me being 37 weeks pregnant ( found out 2 weeks ago)

He has said he doesnt love who I am now, he loves the old me but hes not seen that for a long time. And the way I am now he had no intentions of having children with me, just couldnt pluck up the courage to break my heart.

I dont love who I am now. I miss the old confident me, now im just lazy and I dont look after myself, I dont stick to anything ( 3 attempts at losing weight and ive given up each time with some excuse or something) I hate that Ive made him not love me. I bury my head in the sand with important things like offical letters etc and it has got to the point where he has had to bail me out before bailifs come round when we had a flat together ( we moved out to seperate family houses so we could save for a mortgage ) . I need to sort myself out and get a bloody grip. For his sake and mine as well. Everything he said to me on sunday was right. All I could say is that I was sorry for putting him through it and making him unhappy for so long. He said he knows im sorry but he needs to see me make steps towards changing. Hell, I NEED to make steps towards changing cause how the hell can I expect to look after a baby when I cant look after myself.

This is pretty much our last shot as a couple I think, and although I know he wont turn his back on his baby its the thought of losing him which is driving me insane. I cannot stop worrying and this is part of my problem. I worry but im not pro active. Im worried that if we stay together how on earth are we ever going to afford to buy a house?! Please tell me people have managed it, I need some hope.

And if we split then..... what will happen to me and baby, will I ever find anyone else, what will happen if my gran (who I currently live with ) dies or has to go into a home? What will happen to me and baby then? I dont want to end up sat on my arse in a council flat doing nothing. I want to work but with childcare costs I dont know. This worrying is making me ill to the point I couldnt get out of bed today. I dont know how to stop it.

You haven't made him unhappy. He seems to have made you unhappy though!

You are being very hard on yourself, and you seem to be believing all the nasty things he says to you.

You sound pretty down. Do you think you could be depressed? I think he is rather undermining and wouldn't be surprised that you are unhappy.

Have you seen your GP yet or a midwife? Would be good to confide in someone else in RL. You sound very lonely, but well done for coming on here - there are lots of people with lots of good advice. Tell midwife or GP what you're going through. They should be able to help, especially as you're so far gone in your pregnancy.

You need to take things one step at a time. Don't try to tackle everything at once. It must have been quite a shock for you to discover you are pregnant. Be kind to yourself.

And congratulations by the way.

Thanks Poppy

I think half of it is lasting damage from a previous abusive relationship. I have no self confidence and rather than trying Ive just slipped into this bubble that I couldnt get myself out of. It was too easy to let my anxieties rule me I think. But as my partner quite rightly pointed out at what point am I going to let that go? Hes not him, that twatting prick is in the past and I dont have to be who he made me into. Someone thats too scared to deal with anything or stand up for myself. I have had Midwife appointments and I went to my GP for my anxiety a while ago but reacted so badly with the tablets he put me on that I have been wary of taking anymore.

When baby is here I need to get myself back into shape big time, Im not going to rush it as soon as its been born cause that would be silly but I need to make a positive start. I chucked a whole folder full of pictures of people that I knew when I was with my ex, including pictures of him. I have no idea why ive held onto them for so long tbh. I need to let go of the past and move on and be me and be happy to be me.