Trying to accept the way things are, but how?

[saltnpepa]

There is a long back story here of a hugely dysfunctional family and I have gone nc with some family members because after 15 years of me trying really hard it became obvious that things would never be kind, respectful and normal basically so I have had to walk away. Over these 15 years I have tolerated all sorts of abuse to try and keep in relationships and work at things. I know that to move on I have to accept there will never be any justice, nobody will ever acknowledge or apologise for things that have been done and I know I have to accept that I may never fully make sense of it all. I know that accepting these two things will set me free from it but how do I go about making peace with that? Has anyone been through similar?

A big change for me came when I found out that my mother had also been abused and I realised that I can stop the circle. I think "let it go" is so far easier said than done, but as I have become a parent I find it easier

You have made the decision to walk away from the situation - that is the first big step. It takes time but keep reminding yourself how much stress/grief you no longer have to deal with.

Ultimately it is YOU that has control over your life, other people can make their mistakes and live with them - that is their decision and up to them - but you do have the choice to put an end to anything that causes you so much hurt.

As 1moreRep above said, I too have found with my own child I can consciously break the cycle and that is reward enough for me.

Mind if I lurk? Could do with some similar insights.

Pull up a seat Norm! I have kids and have broken the cycle but that feels separate from coming to terms with the fact that I have had to walk away from several of my family of birth.

I think something to do with effective letting go is to stop resisting that you have done just that. Every time you think "why can't she/he/they see x y z is wrong?" or "i wish they would just apologise for a b or c, it's not much to ask and so obvious" then you negate letting go; instead you are, in those moments, resisting just that. And what you resist persists (I forget who said that)

I suspect it Time that does a lot of the work too ...

I'm sorry you've had such a miserable time of it all. I did too. Perhaps knowing that you aren't alone in any of this suffering helps too?

For me, it helped to know that lots of people are nc with some family members.

Time helps. I rarely think about the twats now.

Also, the after effects include being a much stronger person, which helps because it isn't all bad in the end.

Ultimately it is a bit sad but hey ho nobody has a perfect life.

That's half the problem I think, I am surrounded by mothers with happy doting extended families who holiday together, have the grandchildren for weekends so the parents can have time alone, go for days out together etc etc and here I am billy no family, it's crap. Then it gets worse if people ask about my family because then I either lie which I can't do or I say I don't really see much of them and then I get that look people give because they think what sort of person has nothing to do with their family. I have had literally no support at all from family with my kids and that I could bear but they've also made life very difficult for me too which has brought us as a family a lot of stress. So having nobody in the same situation is tough.

You need a good sound bite for people. I say "I don't get along with my parents."

If pressed I say "My mother has mental health issues. Unfortunately she won't even admit she has a problem. It is very sad."

Pressed further "It is such a horrible situation, I don't like to talk about it".

Remember other people in the same situation will never mention it unprompted, same as you. So unless you ask, which I guess you never would, you'll never know. You'll only find out about their dysfunctional family if you become good friends.

Maybe those happy doting families aren't as great as you think. Maybe you just never hear about the ILs from hell or the dodgy uncle or alcoholic auntie. Their perfect happy families might exist only in your mind.

Or you live in Stepford.

I live in effing Stepford.

Time will heal, and bring acceptance with it. Really really really it will.

Mindfulness meditation practice could also help you: it's basically about exercising your "acceptance of all things as they are" muscle.

And I agree, your prepared answers about your relationship with your family members should be "I" statements about your own decision, eg: "I find them difficult to be with and choose not to see them."

And don't let the Stepfords kid you: everybody has some family dysfunction somewhere. Whether they're willing to admit it or not.