how to have relationships?

[mylifeagain]

I've come to the conclusion that I don't know how to have any type of relationship...romantic or friendships :(

With male relationships I'm either really full on if I like them or pretending to be cool. Same with if I don't see us together I find it hard to say that I don't want to meet if I see a nice person that I don't actually fancy. I have no problem saying no to someone I don't fancy!

I actually don't know how to have relationships with "friends" though too...I'm scared of being too full on but I think I appear as being stand off ish

I have absolutely no parental relationship guidance I also have a "friend" who apologises for the way I was treated when I was at school...the problem is I really don't know what she meant....have I just shut it away and I think I may have because I don't have that many memories
I would really like to get past all this and have a normal relationship with someone (whatever that is) Getting fed up now of seeing other people finding their partner and me being alone
Ok I'm in self pity more but please indulge me :(

Mode even!

Hello.

It's hard to know what to say to your post, really. Commiserations?

I think a lot of us have difficulties with real intimate relationships, with partners or friends. Sometimes this is due to us putting up shields/armour as a reaction to things that have happened in the past. It sounds possible that you were bullied/ostracised at school? If you've shut it off, can you ask this 'friend' what she meant? If you find out, then you can start to put it behind you.

I've never been very good at these things but I try hard. Sometimes too hard, and that puts people off too, or I come across as a cold loner doesn't-need-anyone type. Finding the balance is tricky.

I've tried to learn from people I know who are good at this stuff. In a kind of fake it until you make it way. So now I reach out a lot more to people I'd like to be friends with. I share a bit more with them. I try to be positive and have learned that to have a good friend, you have to BE a good friend as well. There will be people around you who need a friend right now. Help them. Be open to them. I met my best friend at work - we were just colleagues really, then she was in a difficult situation and needed some help. I helped, even though I barely knew her. That was the start of our real friendship.

I wonder if your problem is that you're too hung up on being liked? You mention 'pretending' and you're clearly thinking a lot about how you come across. We all modify ourselves a little depending on the circumstances but if you're always second-guessing people and trying to mould yourself to self-consciously in order to be someone that will appeal to them, it's pretty stressful and tough to keep up. Is 'be yourself' too simplistic?

Forgive me if this sounds a bit "woo", but you need to have a good and solid relationship with yourself before you can go and re-create that with another person.

Do you know who you are?
What you like, dislike?
What your standards are; what you find acceptable and unacceptable?
What motivates you, fulfills you, brings you joy?
What your limits are, so you can warn others when they cross them?
Do you love yourself, aware of your qualities and aware of your flaws, and accepting all of them as ok?

^^ what GoatsDoRoam says. In addition: You can't expect to be able to be good friends [or partner] with everybody you come into contact with, people are all very different. Some people are not going to be compatible with you. that's a 'no fault' thing. I think that the really gregarious people just move on when this happens to them.

Everyone loves being listened to by the way! You can really help people. If you don't know what to say, then don't say anything. It still helps.

Thanks for the responses. When I'm actually with people I don't put on an act I am me, I think it's just when I've time on my hands and I start to over think... why hasn't x text me, should I phone y or will I look too needy... that type of thing. It's here where I don't know if I'm being too full on or not?

I have done a lot of soul searching and a lot of getting to know myself over these last few years and most of the time I do like me. I'm still struggling with the what motivates me though.

Perhaps my problem is having time on my hands and just thinking too much, perhaps I should just find yet another hobby

A sociable hobby might kill two birds with one stone

It's not always easy working out your own motivation is it!

How do you feel about spending time on your own when you do it? Does it feel OK?

It's finding that hobby that keeps my interest cogito

No dadswood it's not and no I hate spending time alone.

The reason I ask is that I found it much easier to get friends and a partner when I was no longer so heavily invested in them for my own happiness. This may be different for you, but that's how it was for me.

If you pick up a hobby like yoga, it has some really good attributes, you are with people, making friends without talking, concentrating on something else (so you don't fall on your behind!) and it's an incremental hobby you get better at.

I'm sending you a private message mylifeagain

Thanks dadswood I'll look into that and thanks for the pm catkitten