Pregnant and going through a stressful time

[KeepSmiling83]

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and have a DD who is 3. We were trying for our second however just a couple of weeks before we found out my DH was diagnosed with depression. He is having a hard time at work (going through an investigation) and has been signed off for the past 4 months. I'm finding this really hard to deal with as if he loses his job then we can't afford the house and would have to move etc so I am obviously worrying. He seems fine within himself though and can go about day to day life as normal (apparently the dr said the depression is linked to the investigation). I know depression is an illness but I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic when he appears absolutely fine.

There is also the small chance he has been texting someone else (again linked to what is going on at work) so I am also worrying in case that is true and what I will do if that turns out to be true (he swears it isn't).

I feel so guilty because when I was pregnant with my first I enjoyed every second of it. Whereas with this baby the entire time has been spent worrying what is going to happen and if we will even have a family at the end of it. The investigation could go on for a while yet and I feel like its overshadowing every part of my life. I'm trying to be supportive but the longer it goes on, the more distant I feel from him (and resentment towards him).

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I wish I could enjoy the pregnancy more as it will be my last and I hope I'm not doing the baby any harm by being so anxious.

That sounds really tough.

What symptoms of depression does your DH have? Is he being supportive of you - helping with day to day stuff around the house etc?

The depression is linked to his work situation. So he can't bear the thought of going back and gets angry/upset at the thought. I think part of it is that he's been off so long now though that he quite likes being at home. He did work in a stressful role so is enjoying spending time with our DD and not having any responsibility. I don't really understand too much about depression so can't say if he is suffering from it or not (although the dr is happy to keep signing him off).

He will help if asked but most days I come home from work and have to tidy round, wash dishes etc which really annoys me!!

When is his investigation due to conclude? That might help things

There is no end date. They've just said it will be finished when it is. He isn't suspended or anything so could be in work but says he can't face it.

He definitely sounds stressed and wanting to avoid work is pretty understandable, given the circumstances. I wonder if he does actually have depression or is just reacting to his situation. He needs to step up and do the housework though, there's no excuse for the place to be untidy when you get home.

You're right so I've just written him a list of jobs to be done each day e.g. check if there are any dishes to be washed, put some washing in from the basket, hoover (if needed) etc. to which he replied, 'when was the last time you hoovered?' Well I would be able to hoover if I was off work every day wouldn't I?!

Often a worst case scenario is less intimidating if you can map out possible sources of support beforehand. Are your and his parents able to offer practical and/or financial support? If his employer or tribunal or whatever goes against him how likely is it he could re-train for some other less stressful work?

The three of you will be four in a few months' (weeks'?) time. You'll probably be feeling more tired this time round so more inclined to stress about anything beyond your control. Try and reassure DH you're all on the same team.He may not feel up to going back to work but home should be a sanctuary. You're going to be less mobile the further on in pregnancy you get. Any chores he can get done saves you expending extra energy especially after a day out at work.

Is DH up to giving you cuddles and foot rubs? Keep up the ante-natal checks and scans. I assume you are taking in nourishment and any extra vitamins and have access to the midwife. Plus you have a better idea this time of what to expect and all your experience with DC1. Try not to feel guilty at not being in the same happy state of anticipation you had when expecting pfb.

You are frustrated and worried because you have this hanging over you. You have a new life growing inside you and a small DC so don't have the luxury of just thinking Oh poor DH, I'll let everything slide so as not to rock the boat. At his lowest ebb he might not have had the energy to drag himself out of bed. Four months on and quibbling about a couple of daily tasks while you're out at work seems a bit much.

Not knowing the nature of the investigation but if you have concerns he is in covert contact with a third party, I appreciate you must be doubly anxious. What makes you think he is texting someone, solid proof or him glued to the phone and mammoth bill?

Thank you for the reply. I am not too worried about practical support as my parents are wonderful and if the worst happens and we split up/lose the house then I know I can go back home. I also know I am better with money than him so would be able to afford a smaller house and support myself and the children. So in that respect I'm lucky.

I feel angry at him for putting us in this position and I think that is partly why I don't want to be close to him at the moment. The investigation is linked to him having contact with another person (not allowed in his line of work) so if it ends up being true then not only will he lose his job but it will also prove to me that he has been unfaithful even if not physically. He has always been quite protective of his phone, no more so than usual though, however with this investigation I am obviously reading more into everything. If it was just the depression/hating his job I think I could be more supportive but as I'm constantly wondering if he has been unfaithful and if he's going to lose his job then I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic.

I realise that there are people who are ill or in much worse positions than me but I'm just finding it all so tough. We were the happiest we'd been for a while before all this happened (which is why we decided to try for DC2) and I feel its all been snatched away. Like things were going too well and had to go wrong! I am eating, taking vitamins, getting as much rest as I can so not worried about that from the baby point of view. Just worried what all this stress/worry is doing to the poor little bean!

I am no expert but from what I can gather as long as you manage a close bond with DC2 during the early months of her/his life, that will compensate for any negative effects of excess cortisol (the stress hormone).