Where do I start! Sorry it's so long!
My DH and I are not talking again - it's a regular occurrence, I can't discuss anything with him without it turning into an argument and then I get the silent treatment for up to a week or more sometimes. During these times, he is overly chatty and nice to our DDs. If he is annoyed with our 18yr DD, he is then nice to me and gives her the silent treatment. However, now my DDs are 18 and 13, they are more vocal and have spoken to me about their Dads constant moods, the cold atmosphere and tension he creates, but also with visitors if he is not in the mood, which is most of the time. My family give me advanced warning if they are "popping" round as they know what he is like. He doesn't like one of my friends because she is "loud" - I assure you she is a lovely person, just very outgoing and chatty. I can only invite her over if he is out.
My 18 year old said she hates the atmosphere when he is around. She is aware of the favouritism he shows towards my 13 year old, it is so obvious. He is all smiles and attentive to her, but cold and inattentive to my 18 year old and me mostly. Gives genuine praise to younger DD but half-hearted interest to my 18 year old. I have pointed this out to him but he denies he is any different.
Both my DDs say how much more relaxed and happy the atmosphere is when he is not around. There is a 14 year age gap between us, we have been together 20 years but got married 2 years ago. He has always been jealous/possessive of me and it has stopped me doing certain things, like girly weekends away with other mums, as I know he will just be very moody/tense. He shows jealousy if I go out with friends and says I prefer spending time with my friends than the family - I would add that I go out about once every 3 months in the evening with friends! I thought by marrying he would feel secure with me.
Also I feel I have to damp down having happy conversations with my DDs, especially my 18 DD, as he has been known to make snide comments like "you're a parent, not their friends"; "I might as well not be here"! When the girls were younger and me and him were not talking, he would be overly nice to them, chatting and laughing and if I tried to join in, he would say, "I wasn't talking to you, you always have to interrupt my conversations...".
Even if we are "fine", he might start a convo directed at younger DD and I will join in and he raises his eyes to heaven/makes a comment which then results in silence at the dinner table.
I have suggested relationship counselling over the years, but he refused. I went to one myself years ago, but felt we both needed to be there and he wouldn't discuss my meeting with the councillor.
I have put up with him for the sake of our DDs but my eldest has actually said to me why don't you leave him, it would be much better and happier without him. My youngest now stands up to him, and tells him to snap out of his mood, intervenes in "discussions" to make her point and I am concerned that it is now affecting them, and I have done the wrong thing staying with him for their sakes, as what they have experienced is a dysfunctional relationship and not a happy home most of the time.
He is and always has been a hard worker, taking providing for his family very responsibly and I cannot fault him there. However, I have only ever had maternity leave and worked since I was 16. I worked part time while my DDs were young and went back to full time 2 years ago and have a very good job so contribute equally to mortgage etc. I would be able to manage financially without him so that is not an issue for which I am very lucky. He would also be fine as he has his own business.
My 18 year old said she would love to move out because of her Dad but doesn't earn enough yet but is working full time so is of no financial burden to us.
We have been at the separating point before, but the time never seems right so as not to "ruin" some milestone for our DDs or family event, but I don't think there ever will be a right time. He has children from his previous marriage, who I get on very well with, and his siblings, so I am dreading the fall-out from that if we do separate.
Reading this through, I think I know the answer but just want some opinions - does anyone have a similar experience and what did you do for the best to resolve it?