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Internet dating ice breakers.

35 replies

nobbybombshell · 03/11/2014 21:36

Hello from the newbie bloke.
So after I caught my wife red handed back in January I found myself seperated and very lonely. Self confidence totally knocked out of me and no self esteem. I turned to Internet dating back in August and don't really seem to be getting anywhere. I did meet someone on zoosk but it all went south rapidly but that's another story. So I'm back on POF and would really like some tips on what I should write to somebody. I try to steer clear of the usual "Hi" and try and make it amusing. I have never chatted anyone up in a club or bar etc as I've never been very confident so hence the Web dating. Any tips or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.Smile

Ps: Hope you don't mind me posting on here.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 04/11/2014 00:23

Oh yes, flipping tigers!!!

ROFL. I hear ya.

Cabrinha · 04/11/2014 00:26

Tigers must be for 2014? No tigers when I did OD last year Grin

Yes to the snowboarding - everyone seems to go! And also the gym Hmm everyone other profile mentions the gym-going. I'm not so sure...!

Cabrinha · 04/11/2014 00:28

Re profiles... I was instantly put off anyone who had an age range that didn't include at least a couple of years older than them.

joosiewoosie · 04/11/2014 07:24

If you are serious about meeting someone who could end up a permanent fixture in your life, from experience, I'd say do a short term offer subscription to a site which asks you stuff about your values and principles.

I met DH through E-Harmony in Jan 2010, we married in 2011, had our DD in 2013 and are expecting number 2 in Jan 2015. And we were both in our 40s!

EH did 'guided communication' at the very start, which was fab for us as it gave us and agenda to get to know each other from, without any awkward questions or silences! The long questionnaire was a pain at the time, but actually matched our outlook on life well, which for a life partner is pretty important in my book!

IIRC, I paid 34.95 for a 3 month subscription and the rest was history 2 months in. The best £35 I've ever spent!

Good luck, and have fun!

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 04/11/2014 09:33

Joosie The issue I've found with that is if you have an outlook that's not similar to those around you of your age. I live in a town where it is fairly unusual to be educated, and the majority of people have little ambition. I have quite an 'old' personality at times, I'm doing a degree in my spare time, I have ambition to start my own business. The amount of times I've spent filling these things in and been matched with men a good 15 years older is unbelievable! I am under 30, I have no wish to settle down with a 45 year old, but in my experience, younger men don't use those sites.

joosiewoosie · 04/11/2014 16:16

Hi Karaoke. I take your point about sites like the one I've mentioned being more suited to older types. I guess that's cos at that stage, people don't want to be messing about and just want to settle down.
Even though I was v late 30s, I knew I didn't want to mess about anymore. It meant we had a 30 min journey to meet each other but it was well worth it for me.
I guess you have to decide what kind of dating suits you at that time, Op.

Bant · 04/11/2014 16:18

I'd mostly agree with the advice above, with a couple of exceptions. I think a follow up email isn't necessarily a bad idea. Pushiness is horrible but I've sent a second email a week or two after the first, and got a response and a date out of it. Some women just have lots of emails to go through, and/or have busy lives.

If they like the tone of the second (I thought I'd drop you a second mail because .. well, why not - I thought you looked great and still do) and it's not pushy or smacks of entitlement then at worst you're slightly annoying someone who didn't like you anyway, and at best you're showing that you're not sending generic spam, and may peak her interest.

Don't come across as angry, bitter, sad, lonely or desperate.

One thing you'll have to realise is that sending a lovingly handcrafted first email to a woman on OD sites is a waste of time. Many profiles are defunct, the woman hasn't logged in in ages. Many women haven't subscribed to read the messages. And of course some will never respond. The chances are you'll be contacting the more attractive, interesting women, and all the other blokes out there will be too. They'll have lots to read through. They may never notice yours. The fact is, as a man you will have to mail dozens of women to get a response. Women generally don't make contact first - or at least the ones you fancy don't.

So, have a partially generic mail. Writing a personalised three sentence email, customised to each of the women you're mailing, and sending several of these a night - and generally getting no response back - that's soul destroying.

Look at the profiles you like. Write a mail that starts with a generic, witty opener, then in the second paragraph say something about their profile, maybe something you have in common.

Finish with a fairly generic comment, ideally asking something about them, but it doesn't have to be personalised.

As I said, you are expected to do all of the first messaging, generally. So to save time and energy, just do the semi-generic thing. I've lost count of the times I've written a personalised email, spent an hour agonisingly handcrafting it, making it specific to the person in the profile I'm interested in, and.. nothing. Nada. Turns out she probably wasn't even subscribed and couldn't read the mail, or was possibly just not interested. Waste of time.

Sending an obviously generic mail is rude. Make it personal, make it about her. But you don't have to make it all about her. Copy and paste bits of it. It's not so romantic, but it reduces wrist-sprain.

JeanSeberg · 04/11/2014 16:23

So after I caught my wife red handed back in January I found myself seperated and very lonely. Self confidence totally knocked out of me and no self esteem

Steer clear of any mention of the above, keep it light-hearted.

SelfLoathing · 04/11/2014 20:47

Many profiles are defunct, the woman hasn't logged in in ages.

Agree with this. Definitely look for new profiles, ones who have viewed you etc. A lot of sites show when people last logged in - check for that.

My experience is that both Match.com and Eharmony are very bad for defunct profiles.

nobbybombshell · 04/11/2014 21:51

Some good stuff here. Thank you. And no I won't be mentioning the dramas surrounding my seperation.

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