My mum is making me feel like I am the biggest disappointment ever. (Long sorry)

[Iwantmymum]

I may need a hysterectomy, but we are not sure yet. My consultant wants me to consider it while we wait for test results and explore other options.

A hysterectomy would cure all my problems and end years of suffering. It would truly change my life for the better, so I am seriously considering it as a last resort.

My mum had one for the same reasons and thinks its the best thing she has ever done. I really want to discuss all my options with her, I want her advice and her experience. After my last consultation I was so happy, I had found a doctor who listened, understood and came up with a plan.

I phoned my mum to tell her I had options depending on test results and she said she would be devasted if I had a hysterectomy. That was over a month ago and I have stopped bringing it up as she changes the subject. Normally she would ask about the tests, make sure I'm ok but nothing. Its like it never happened.

She told me to get a referral to a different consultant after last time and told me I shouldn't allow myself to fobbed off, that I should make sure something was done. That I shouldn't have to suffer like this. She was supportive and angry that I have been left to just get on with it.

My mum wants grandchildren, I get that I really do, but that wont happen even without a hysterectomy (for health reasons). She knows how risky a pregnancy would be for me and that I would be unlikely to be able to care for a baby for weeks if not months after the birth.

I feel like my non existant dc are more important than my health and happiness. I feel like I have disappointed her and that I am a failure. I'm having an ultrasound scan tomorrow and she doesn't know because I can't tell her and she hasn't asked. If it was anything else she would have asked and then she would call tomorrow to see how it went.

I feel like part of my foundations are gone. Dh is good but I want to discuss this with my mum

What do I do?

I think mum wanted more than 2 dc (she lacked a partner so didn't have more), so maybe that combined with her lack of choice regarding having a hysterectomy is why she is upset.

I am hoping I wont need a hysterectomy but if I do I want to be sure that I am ready for such a major lifechanging surgury and to do that I want to talk about it. All other decisions, big and small, have been discussed with my mum and it feels wrong that I can't talk to her about this. Although I am not, it feels like I am going though this on my own. I really need someone elso to talk to but not sure who.

Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to her about it? She will have to be told about whatever happens, whether thats a hysterectomy or not.

Have you looked on here www.hystersisters.com

It's a tricky one. I have two aunties who ended up having hysterectomies for fibroids in their early 20s. It was the standard and only treatment for them 20 years ago. Both were unmarried and childless. One died 10 years ago, the other fosters children but is still unmarried. There's so much more they can do now, but my heart really goes out to them so I do understand why your mum wants you to look into other options.

I think you need to talk to her to find out why she's behaving this way. If it's not normal behaviour then there's likely to be something behind it.

Thanks for the link LadySybil

If I was still in my 20s I don't think I would even consider a hysterectomy! Your poor aunts, they were so very young.

Mum has form for utterly ignoring things, so its not totally out of character. She once had a not serious relationship/friendship that she ended by totally ignoring the poor man. If I remember correctly he came for dinner and then she never spoke to him again!

I have them, as does my sister. She was TTC and was told to have a hysterectomy (this was 7 years ago so pretty recent). I have an appointment on Thursday and I know the gynae is going to recommend this. I've said 'no. What are the other options' more than a few times and I know they don't tell you unless you ask.

That doesn't sound good, poor bloke I'm so sorry she has form, I think this must be the last thing that you need. Do try the site and you're more than welcome to PM me if there's anything I can do to help (I used to work in a hospital so I know stuff).

Then it's a pattern that if she can't cope with something she blanks it out?

Her advice, on paper, is sound: to explore every option before doing what would be irreversible. As Sybil says, wombs were whipped out without compunction years ago and she will know of many people this happened to back in the day. It's not to say she is disappointed in you, or she thinks you're a failure.

Perhaps this is a wall with your mum and you've hit it. Mothers aren't perfect (someone tell my daughter this, please!): we are human and fallible, we get things wrong - usually with the very best intentions.

She may also be grappling with grief about this, too - for you, for herself. She may not want to blubber all over you; she may have no idea how to navigate this huge issue. To say it would be 'devastating' is quite a strong - revealing - word for someone who doesn't 'do' emotion.

Her advice, on paper, is sound: to explore every option before doing what would be irreversible

She didn't give that advice though. She has said nothing about it at all other than the fact she would be devastated. I'm the one who is talking about options whereas my mum just isn't talking.

When I was a kid I would behave because the look and sound of my mums disappointment was terrible. She used that disappointed voice when she said she would be devastated. Not on purpose because she would never knowingly hurt me but I still heard it.

LadySybil thank you and good luck on Thursday. I think I have been lucky with this gynae as he gave me lots of options and discussed pros and cons of most of them. He just wanted me to consider the hysterectomy over a few weeks so that I have time to really think about and understand what it would mean both physically and emotionally. I don't have to make a decision about anything until all the tests are done.

LadySybil I've just been watching the videos on hystersisters and now I feel sick. Not because of the subject matter but because of the camera work!

Who knew it was possible to get motion sickness from videos about hysterectomies?

I looked up myomectomy clips on youtube. They were enlightening (useful though). Sorry that you felt unwell. Bad camera work has a lot to answer for!

Take your time to think about this and only do it if you're certain. I'm not anti hyserectomy, they can change women's lives, but we're all different and it has to be the right choice for you. May be best to see what the tests say and take it from there Mine didn't tell me the pros and cons (I've seen 2 and neither did), it was just 'oh, you have fibroids. Let's just take it out . I have an appointment with one of them on Thursday and I know she's going to say it again. Seems a bit drastic for 3 fibroids. 2 are on the outside so it wouldn't be tooo hard to remove them.

If I have a hysterectomy it will be because I am certain it is the right thing to do. I am going to wait for the test results and then I have questions the consultant will have to answer before I make any decision. This gynae is good unlike others I have seen. I think its because its at a private hospital (as an nhs patient). I hope you get options on thursday!

I have spoken to my mum and it went ok. I told her I felt like she didn't want to know and that she was disappointed in me. She apologised and said she didn't feel like that, she was just shocked. She was perfectly happy to discuss her hysterectomy but doesn't want to discuss me having one. She sounded uncomfortable when I mentioned me having one and quickly changed the subject.

Its a good start and maybe in another month she will feel able to talk about it more.