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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i being used?

46 replies

chickenlicken123 · 03/11/2014 20:00

Im in my early 40's, divorced (2 years) and have been seeing a guy for over 2 years now. The problem is, he never has any money for us to do anything. he stays at my house a few nights a week and eats everything i have in my fridge, showers at mine and drives my car everywhere. I thought this was ok at first but now its driving me mad, he has a good job but says he doesn't earn much money and that his outgoings are more than mine ( i have 3 kids) His mum does everything for him such as washing and ironing, cleaning his house, even feeding his son. He hasn't got any money whilst with me but as soon as his son appears and wants something he gives it to him. I have a part time job which pays rubbish and the benefits i get go towards the running of the house.....i've tried dropping hints to him about how my water bill has gone up and so on but he just ignores it! i've stopped going out with my friends coz he doesnt lilke it. He wants to know what im doing and where i am constantly. He says he loves me more than anything and even tho i consider myself to be bright and outgoing something in me has changed and i am beginning to lose all faith in him as a guy expecting me to do everything for him. he seemed to manage just fine when he was married and his wife didnt work so what has changed? i know your going to tell me im a pushover but i am a bit lost with what to do other then end it.

OP posts:

Itsfab · 03/11/2014 21:00

You are shagging a controlling user.

Itsfab · 03/11/2014 21:03

Of course he managed fine when he was married and had a SAH wife .
SHE did everything for him and now his mum and you are doing everything for him..

WallBox · 03/11/2014 21:07

He's costing you money, money you could use for your kids. Dump his sorry arse.

Original poster

chickenlicken123 · 03/11/2014 21:08

funny thing is ive just asked him if he wants to be with me so bad how is he going to afford to live with me when he cannot afford to feed himself every month and he still refuses to tell me what he's earning! the light has been switched on now and i'm so going to love calling his bluff and playing the game for a while.....x

OP posts:

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 21:09

playing the game ? what game ?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/11/2014 21:11

Quite apart from the obvious money issues OP this should be leaping out at you

i've stopped going out with my friends coz he doesnt lilke it. He wants to know what im doing and where i am constantly

Original poster

chickenlicken123 · 03/11/2014 21:13

saying how i've got no money to go out with him or fuel to drive my car every where. I supported him because i truly believed he had no money. obviously hes just taken me for a ride. Im not gonna lie and say i dont love him or love being with him but its a drain constantly listening to how he cannot afford to eat coz he knows i'm going to feel sorry for him. Im just going to see how long he puts up with me saying how poor i am x

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2014 21:14

If he really is a user, you will see less and less of him whilst he looks for some woman who can afford to keep him. Don't waste your time playing games.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 21:16

why ? what's the point ?

Just kick him into touch already and get on with your life

Your kids don't need to see you "playing games" with a dickhead like this. The lessons they have been absorbing so far about how women fix everything and men just doss about whilst calling all the shots has been damaging enough already

YoniMitchell · 03/11/2014 21:17

Don't bother with games, just get rid. You deserve better.

NickiFury · 03/11/2014 21:20

His wife had affairs? I bet she didn't. I bet she just got tired of being with a selfish twat.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/11/2014 21:24

i've tried dropping hints to him about how my water bill has gone up and so on but he just ignores it

Well yeah, he would. Hints don't work on sheer brass neck. You need to come out straight and say " Don't shower at mine any more, I can't afford the water/electricity". And absolutely mean it. (That's the tough bit.)

Like posters above, though, I can't see why you can't just say "sorry, can't afford an expensive pet" and show him the door. Instead it sounds as though you're waiting for him to decide Bank of Chickenlicken is busted and slither off. I bet he manages to squeeze a few more quid out of you first though.

Original poster

chickenlicken123 · 03/11/2014 21:27

your all so right with your responses. its clear as glass whats going on....thanxxx

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 03/11/2014 21:27

But you have an opportunity to end a relationship which does nothing for you and costs you money which would be better spent on yourself and your dcs, no wonder you're short of cash. He has plenty of hidden costs, and not to mention you don't even get to drive your own car!
And christmas is coming, with all its expense. Why wait for him to drop you? You don't have to be miserable at the finish of a relationship. It's quite alright not to moon about and say " what if"

You don't even have to explain yourself, just say it's not working for you and you want to finish it.
He won't like it. Short arms and long pockets, by the sound of it

Justwhateverreally · 03/11/2014 21:29

Sit down and work out how much each month you're subsidising his existence by.
Then consider whether any sex is worth that amount of money.
If it is, rent him out to pay for his keep. (JOKE)

seriously though, it's only when you write every item down that you'll realise how much you're spending on him.

MiniTheMinx · 03/11/2014 21:30

I know its tough when you feel like you love them, but ask yourself this, Is he someone worth loving? Would you advise a friend to stick with it? or your daughter? do you really think that this man-child is really worth throwing your friends and self-respect away for? If love is really such a strong and special emotion (which of course it is) why waste that on someone like him!

OneSkinnyChip · 03/11/2014 21:33

Don't waste any more of your time playing childish games. Move on.

Quitelikely · 03/11/2014 21:34

OP what job does he do? That wY we can all understand the salary he is earning

Quitelikely · 03/11/2014 21:35

Relationships are built upon lover, respect and trust.

The problem is you just don't respect him because he is so bloody greedy!

Original poster

chickenlicken123 · 03/11/2014 21:36

i think the thing that has been covering it is that i have been through a double tough divorce whilst ive been with him and he has been really supportive! now the divorce is over and ive decided the best thing for the kids is that im getting on with the kids dad and he has access whenever he wants my fella doesnt like it. This past week has been the eye opener for me tho, i just got up one morning and thought im not doing this anymore! ive got my own house and job and can afford to stand on my own two feet so why am i being dragged down by him? i know he knows whats coming because i have changed towards him....

OP posts:

Ahardyfool · 03/11/2014 21:53

Hey - you've taken financial responsibility for him. Please don't add emotional responsibility to that list! Go in that holiday and don't invite him back into your life on your return. And as solidgoldbrass says, be prepared for manipulation and the nasty side of that controlling behaviour to come to the fore. Forearmed is forewarned.

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