help STXH has turned tables on me - im verbally & physically abusive

[greenberet]

help please - my STXH who i beleive is narcisstic and has been emotionally & financially abusing me by refusing to answer emails regarding finances & other issues has turned tables on me by informing his solicitor that I have been sending him abusive emails and have punched him. There is a back history of OW who he denied for 5 months, who he employed, then was "suicidal" and finally made the decision to move out without discussion whilst i was on holiday with kids. I am divorcing which he didnt want - he wanted me to trust him financially - he has gone from wanting 50/50 custody to one day a week & every other weekend which i have believed was so he could continue affair. He denied he was still seeing her at mediation 2 weeks ago which I didnt beleive - but has since told kids he is. I received an email from my solicitor confirming it was quite likely family home would need to be sold after DH has been insisting we will not have to sell just as he was about to pick kids up.I was overwhelmed I got angry because of all the lies, lack of respect for me, the damage he is doing to the kids and thumped him on the chest not punched him. i have been sending him emails about various things and yes I have sworn at him because I feel he is putting himself before the kids despite say they are his main priority. I am already on maximum ADS as stuggling to cope and seeing a counsellor - married 20yrs not worked for 15 yrs ( due to depression) & been SAHM for 13 supporting him build up his business - all i want is recognition of this - i have tried to be reasonable for the kids and just want them to be told the truth and today I get copy of solicitors letter - I have been crying all day - how do i deal with this - I just want to up & leave and get as far away as possible.

I'm sorry you're so upset. Solicitors and courts are not really that bothered about the idea of 'fault'. People cite all kinds of weird things in the definition of irreconcilable differences and I'm sure they've seen it all before. He's an ex for good reason so whatever he says and thinks about you is irrelevant. He is unlikely to ever show you recognition or appreciation.

Do you have friends or family that you can talk to about any of this and who will give you support? ADs can only dampen symptoms and counsellors have to remain impartial. Regarding the DCs, they don't have to know gory details but I think it's important that they know you're upset because of the divorce process. Otherwise they might think they are responsible.

For finances please ask your solicitor for advice rather than letting your ex muddy the waters. Let them take the strain there.

Hi Cog - thanks for consistently replying to my posts - Ive read it so many times on here how DHs turn into people DWs no longer recognise and I am getting that loud & clear - I now know what I am dealing with and realise that whatever I say or do will be used against me or turned around as justification for his own behaviour. I guess this can only come from some deep seated insecurity - the phrase sheep in wolves clothing springs to mind- ironically enough it seems once i have got over the initial blip i come back even more aware of myself and feel a bit stronger than before. Just got to keep the kids out of this mess!

I think the whole process, if you're unlucky that is, can be one nasty surprise after another. It sounds like you initiated the split (if I'm reading it right) and, by asserting yourself in this way, you have really pissed him off. Bullies/narcissists/emotional abusers... whatever you want to call it, cannot cope with any challenge to their divine right to be in control. Are you sure you don't recognise these traits? They don't tend to spring from nowhere.

I can't say if he's insecure or not but he certainly sounds very resentful to the point of vindictiveness. All of this lashing out with lies, accusations and other nastiness is a futile attempt to reassert himself. He knows he has lost ... take heart..... these are the actions of a powerless man.