Scared of devastation I'll cause by leaving (after 23yrs together)

[hibernator]

Very long story but will try to keep it short!
Been with DH 23 years,married for 19. Have beautiful DDs, 14 and 17.

I have never been attracted to him physically and have stayed so long due to me having very low self-esteem, the fact he is a kind man who loves & adores me, and being scared of what my family would think of me. Marriage and children kind of happened by accident, but we are blessed with our DDs, they are wonderful young adults. I care for him, always have, alway will... but am not in love with him and haven't been for a long time.

When our eldest was 2, DH started up his own business - he loves the field of work he is in, and it drives him in life. It was around that time that things started to change as I was forced to work for the business for financial reasons, but hated it and resented him for it. I still have to work with him, but now it's just occasionally and that did help to resolve some of the tension between us. But deep down I knew that I did not love him anymore. His work is still his life, and he did begin to change when he became his own boss. He does love me and DDs, and they adore him, but he is almost permanently attached to his smartphone, checking emails, putting posts on twitter etc. It's a successful business and we are pretty secure financially, but he is addicted to chasing that next sale. People around us think we have the perfect life, family and marriage. I've become a very good actress. But I'm utterly miserable.

I have told him a few times over the years that I'm not happy in our relationship - first two times he sent me away to a B&B to think it over, both times I was so terrified at the thought of hurting him and the kids that I went back. The last time (about 5 years ago) he booked us into Relate. Again, the thought of leaving was terrifying as I did not want to cause him and DDs hurt and pain - I told myself "I've made my bed, so lie in it". Also, my parents asked me "does he beat you up"? I said no, so they told me I would be idiotic to leave the marriage! So I stayed, but knew deep down I was not in love with him. I convinced myself I would be mad to leave and have plodded on since then.

But I'm at the stage now where I can't stand living with him anymore, and I've become a total bitch: I snap at him and ridicule him. I feel physically sick when he touches me, (I still have sex with him, but generally after a few drinks to make it a little more bearable), and things he does just riles me, like the way he walks, like leaving crockery left on the worktop in spite of the dishwasher being empty etc - very petty stuff - but it drives me insane. I can't stand living a lie anymore.

The thing is, he adores me, and I know he will be broken if I leave. In spite of me being a bitch, he is always telling me how I'm his soulmate and that he worships the ground I walk on. I feel that we're not soulmates in any shape or form. There is no deep emotional connection. I'm also very worried about our 14 year old, she is a very sensitive child and a deep thinker. Also, she has her GCSEs next summer and I'm really worried how it will affect her school life. Our 17 year old is more grounded and although she will be very upset, I am confident she will be able handle it better and cope.

I have decided that I can't faff about anymore. I need to leave. It's not fair on him, plus I feel like I am suffocating and hate my life.

So do I grin and bear it until our youngest leaves school, for damage limitation so to speak.... or do I leave now? I can't speak to anyone about this and all my friends know him, and are always telling me how lucky I am. Please help. I'm in a mess :(

What impact does your behaviour have on your children? What do you suppose it's like for them to witness their mother abuse their father ?

Why not work towards after Xmas. Make Christmas a super one so there's lots of good memories for the children.

Not the day after but possibly a week after before a family crisis hits. I'm thinking if everything else is relatively calm the kids can at least focus on just one trauma.

But you can start making plans now. See a solicitor . See if you can see someone at relate or mind to talk it out with a professional. Relate also did a conciliation service. It used to be a five week course for parents separating to work on issues surrounding custody etc. it might be worth asking if that is still available.

Find somewhere to live.

When to tell hubby? There's no answer to that . You know your situation better. Maybe after you've made a few exploratory phone calls you can have formulated a plan that lets everyone down gently.

Arrrrrrgh!

Good luck.

I know it may not be much help, but its almost immaterial whether you wait or not. With DCs of this age, there will always be important exams coming up so its better not to wait for the 'right' time. Do what feels right for you.

A happier Mum will be better for your DCs in the longer term. In my experience, DCs prefer the truth and it helps them recover from the changes. Its the lies which cause the damage and the impact of those lies over the time that follows.

They also need you to be well, so don't let this descend into a place you have no choice.

Maybe sit your husband down and tell him that you're planning on leaving but you're worried about the girls.
Will he fly off the handle?
Maybe he can find it in himself to understand you and your feelings and you can help each other to make it as bearable as possible?
Or maybe that just sounds far to simple.
Give him time to except it.
What ever happens keep your girls informed. Don't shut them out.

Thankyou so much for the advice! You're right, I need to have a plan.

I know he will fly off the handle and get nasty. Start throwing insults at me etc. He did that last time. Emotionally, he's very immature.... my long-term plan is to stay friends with him - I WANT to stay friends with him, as I still care about him, but I have a feeling he will cut me off completely. So I think life is going to be pretty miserable until the actual living apart takes place...

He'll recover, after a while. Be kind, have a plan, give notice and show your DCs you are strong, resolute and compassionate.

Shoot for 'civil' rather than 'friends'. Friends are people you like and trust. Civility can be extended to anyone

He might be 'emotionally immature' but you come across as a cold fish, and that's putting it mildly.

With your history, I'd plan to stay another four years until the youngest finishes A levels, and just keep quiet until then.

Its pointless stirring him to anger and putting your child's future success at risk when you've spent so long keeping it all under wraps. Making Christmas 'super' is just a lie, do whatever is normal for you.

I hope you find what you want, when this is over. I'm not sure what that is. Do you know?

Patronising that is so harsh and unfair. OP is obviously v unhappy and you suggest she stays another 4 years? I don't think that would do anyone any good including the children

'A happier Mum will be better for your DCs in the longer term. In my experience, DCs prefer the truth and it helps them recover from the changes. Its the lies which cause the damage and the impact of those lies over the time that follows'

This is so true. My parents stayed together 'for the children' - we knew from well before we turned teenagers that they couldnt' stand each other and it was not fun. Being expected to play 'happy families' when you know damn well that its' not real is so incredibly damaging to everyone involved. So well done for getting to the point where you're thinking of leaving.

Make your plans and leave early in the new year. Do not wait any longer. Enough of putting everyone else's needs first - you are not a robot and you can't keep up this pretence much longer, nor should you have to. You don't need reasons like physical abuse or cheating - you are extremely unhappy in this relationship, that is a good enough reason.

Do you come from a culture where you felt under pressure to marry a 'reliable' sort of man, even though you weren't attracted to him?

'I know he will fly off the handle and get nasty. Start throwing insults at me etc. He did that last time'

Doesn't sound like such a lovely man after all! Has he been abusive/controlling in the past?

And you do not sound like 'a cold fish' You sound like someone who has just had enough of putting everyone else's needs first,and that's completely understandable. Why are you telling her to martyr herself for another four years, patronising?

I'd say you come across as someone with very low self-esteem (as you said yourself), who'd rather put up and shut up than go against the wishes of her family, society and husband, or risk hurting her daughters. I admire your caring nature, but also think that the current situation is actually more damaging.

He'd be nasty, insult you then give you the cold shoulder if you said you wanted to go? Again, your description of his behaviour does not match your description of his words - he's not acting like a man who adores you and worships the ground you walk on. What evidence do you actually have of that, other than that he told you so?

Why not work towards after Xmas. Make Christmas a super one so there's lots of good memories for the children.

Or they'll feel utterly bewildered as to why it's all fallen apart with no notice after a perfect family Christmas..... ? I think that's a terrible idea. Isn't there some statistic about separation and divorce in January - it goes off the richter scale in early Jan.

I would go and see a solicitor and establish what your rights are financially, decide what you will do and where you will live post separation and what you will do in order to maintain an income if you work in a family business? Then sit him down and tell him your intentions, swiftly followed by telling your daughters that you don't love their father any more and wish to separate permanently.

I would actually say definitely do it now. If you wait, you stand a chance of things escalating and everyone being very unhappy at home. You will get more snappy/irritable, your dd's will worry something's up. Even with GCSE's out the way, there will be A levels, after A levels starting uni or work is stressful, there could be all manner of other things happening within the family; bereavements, illnesses, one of your DD's a horrible breakup with a boyfriend.

Get this out the way now and get to work on making the next few years as stable as possible, ie make sure both homes are set up and nice places for your girls to be, work on keeping things amicable with your dp. If your youngest dd is going to take it hard, I would really judge the first year of GCSEs as the best to have any disruption. Years 11,12 and 13 are very stressful.

It sounds like you're among the right decision and I'm sure your dd's will understand that in time. Far better you're happy.

lottapianos, thanks for your kind words :)
I come from a family which has a long line of happy couples and it was kind of the 'done thing' to settle down with someone (although recently I found out they were not so happy with the exception of one - they lived a lie too). I was rebellious as a teenager - I spoke my own mind, dressed differently to others, and wanted to travel, move away and do my own thing. This was very unusual in my family, so it was frowned upon, and it was suggested that this would be a very bad idea. So I stayed and felt I had to conform. And I kind of lost my personality and mojo, so this may be what makes me come across as a 'cold fish', patronisingbitchinthewardrobe

My self-esteem and confidence have always been rock bottom and to be honest, when DH took an interest in me I was so pleased that someone found me desirable. He was different to people I'd met before, and although there was little physical attraction on my part, I guess I fell in love with the idea of being loved so went along with it. He was also kind and caring, and this made me feel wanted.

I don't know why but I feel the only way I can be loved is to please people... and this is why I've stayed for so long - I don't want to hurt anyone... and therefore be hated. I'm a good wife, I cook, clean, shop, look after everything to do with the house including finances - everything. He does not lift a finger at home.

He's not abusive but does get jealous - if I tell him a man has spoken to me somewhere during my day - anywhere, a petrol station, shop etc., he immediately says "mmmm sounds like he took a liking to you". Even though the man in question may have been 79 with 3 teeth .

So more than anything I want to be me again. I don't care if I never fall in love (although obviously it would be nice to know what it's really like).

'He does not lift a finger at home.'
'He's not abusive but does get jealous'

Again, really not sounding like such a lovely man! You can do so much better than this OP, and that includes living with just you and your girls, and not having a third man-child to clean up after.

'I don't know why but I feel the only way I can be loved is to please people' - nothing to be ashamed of, many of us (especially women) are brought up to be like this. However, with practice, you will find that pleasing yourself is a thousand times more rewarding than what you are doing now.

'So more than anything I want to be me again'

This is when you absolutely know its time to go. You feel like you have lost yourself - that's a price that no-one is worth paying for. You will find yourself again, when you have freedom to make your own choices and have no -one else to answer to. See a solicitor, make your plans and look forward to a much brighter future.

Op
You know what to do. You do. You have spelled it out very clearly. But you're scared. If you do nothing you'll be even more scared in 6 months' time. Prevarication is never a positive thing.

As others have said, DCs will no doubt know anyway. Mine apparently did - as they told me afterwards. They were also not particularly phased by it. Children are inherently selfish and as long as they have their tv, tablet, pc, school, etc, they don't care very much about the other stuff. And they are old enough to choose when to see you and to see their father, so no-one is going to put any undue pressure on them.

And please, please stop with the self-hatred. It's not justified, it's not necessary, it's not healthy. You want to put your children first? Be the best mother you can be - be true to yourself and you will be happier, and so will they.

I presume that you won't be able to simply pack a bag, up and leave overnight so, now that your mind is made up then you can start thinking about logistics ie where you will live, what will you live on etc etc. you can't assume that your DC will necessarily want to live with you though as they may well be very comfortable in their own home where they are now. If you start putting your energy into this side of things then it might take the focus off of your hatred of him for long enough time for you be able to put a new life together for yourself. Have no illusion, this process won't be easy and you may well end up being blamed and accused for breaking up the family but life is too short to waste being so unhappy. Be strong.

Bitofanoddone - I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but I see in my professional life a ridiculous amount of women who medicate themselves with ssri's to stay in crap relationships and it is so fucking sad. I think it's a HUGE social problem. OP altering your brain chemistry is not the answer here. Making difficult life changes is.

Jacey, I agree. I have worked with some women (mums of the children I work with) who have been put on anti-depressants by their GPs due to symptoms that were entirely caused by staying in unbearable relationships. They needed support to get themselves out of those ghastly relationships, not pills to make them more compliant.

You know what you need to do OP

Exactly Lotta, it's awful really. I know there are some really great GPs (on here too) that don't just fob women off with what is essentially a chemical cosh but many do.

It's just like the 'mothers little helper' benzo problem in the 60s, only the drugs have changed but the situation hasn't.

I know someone who was in a long term marriage and was deeply unhappy. She stayed in the marriage for years for the sake of her children and finally broached the subject with her DC when her youngest was finished her GCSE's. She was horrified to discover that they were all aware of how unhappy the marriage was and fully supported her leaving.

She saw a solicitor, got all her ducks in a row [paperwork etc], saved an exit fund and moved herself and her youngest out one day while he was at work. Basically did a moonlight flit. Roped in some friends and extended family on her side to load up a removals lorry and move what she needed out to start a new life.

It was fait accompli when he got home and she gave him her address after a few days via her solicitor when he had calmed down. Her DC were obviously free to visit their family home at any time and her youngest DC who was 16 opted to live with her full-time.

I get the impression that a fait accompli was the only way she could extricate herself from the situation.

Do you have hobbies or a life outside the home ??

My feeling is that your cross at the way your life has turned out and are blaming him.

Get counselling for yourself before you make any decision.