Living Together Apart Long term

[aldomodo]

I don't know if this has been discussed before. I very recently told my OH that I don't want to be married to him. The DCs are reaching independence (1 left already). He seemed devastated - although this would be more emotion than I have seen in a long time. He doesn't want to split stating that his whole life/family/home will be ripped from under him and thinks he would lose contact with the children as well as me. He doesn't have a lot of friendss and is not very sociable (part of my problem with sharing my life with him). I don't hate him, although he has done many things to hurt me in the past. I have feelings for him, like a relative I suppose (he's 16 years older than me). He's proposing a novel living arrangement - granny flat or separate parts of a new house, so he's not alone and the kids still have a family base. My problem with this is if its not officially out there that we are no longer a couple then the world still sees me as married and I can't move on. Does anyone else have experience of this kind of living arrangement and how has it worked out?

I can't see how this will work. What is he going to do if you have another man at your home?

Never mind another man. Part of the problem is I'm very sociable and over the last 25 years have developed a social life entirely outside the house because he has made me feel so uncomfortable having friends over. (1 male gay freind was actually "barred" during the early years of our relationship because OH couldn't stand him and felt threatened by our friendship). He's also embarrassed me numerous times by drinking too much in from of other people and being verbally abusive to me in front if them. I don't find OH threatening, but clearly this is pretty off putting on the having people round front.

I'm not necessarily under any illusions that I'd find another partner. I don't want to have sex with this one (he says he still does). I have alot going on in my own lie - working full time, studying, running groups, gym, friends etc. he's recently retired, not working and is a bit of an old moan. I have affection for him, but not love. Probably more like obligation. When I was telling I wanted to separate it felt like I was kicking a puppy repeatedly.

Its not your problem if he's a moany unsociable git, who clearly has ordered his life the way he wants it at the expense of yours.

And now you finally say, ok mate, kids are grown up I want out of this little arrangement that is biased towards you and your needs you selfish piece of work and he doesn't want to be alone so guilts you into thinking you still need to look after his interests.

He is not a puppy, he is a grown man trying to keep the odds in his favour.

Oooh Harsh Dave. I guess I'm just too nice (not really). I'm hoping the counselling (I'm arranging of course) will help bring him to the realisation that he can have a life without me and take responsibility for his own happiness. I think he would be better off on prozac (like me) and see the positives in life, rather than all the things getting in the way of perfection.

But seriously Davejudgement, I do feel some responsibilty towards him after our many years together. Is that naive?

Can I assume that you carry the load as far a household chores? Of course you feel responsibility towards him; it appears that he has made it so.

You said that he has done many things to hurt you in the past?

Why are you on the meds?

I know it's a lot of questions, but you need to make an informed choice here. You want to leave him in a nutshell and he doesn't want you to.

What do you get out if it?

I don't see how it benefits you?

Maybe go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling in some direction or other. Moaners are a drain.

Thanks everyone. I'm on the meds because I'm a depressive and always have been, but happy as a sandboy on them :-) He's pretty good at the domestics now that he's retired but when we were both working yes I did more. I guess the only thing in in in staying together is still pooling the financial resources in one big house instead of two little crap ones, and a live in dog walker. Yes. Your right. I'm off to the solicitor on Wednsday. Hopefully counselling will bring him round to moving on.