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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Me, my x and our children.

25 replies

fairyfly · 13/04/2004 19:26

I really need help on how to draw the line under my x and his children and move on. He has just rang and i was furious, 2 weeks after his sons birthday. That is how long. He wanted to tell me that he needs to see his children and i can't stop him. I said you didn't even turn up and you were welcome to see them then, but i can't keep playing at this game. He ruins my day, i don't even no if this thread is making any sense i am just ranting. How can i sort out that he turns up and stops playing these games. He told me i was poison and twisted and all his friends and family know what i bitch i am. I don't want him to see them now because it is traumatic when i agree and he doesn't show. How can we all sort this out and move on. Ramble ramble................

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 13/04/2004 19:29

Ff, put it all in writing, very calmly and politely. See a solicitor and get them to do it ideally. We were all seething on your behalf when he let your ds down. He needs to make an arrangement and stick to it and he needs to be polite to you while he's about it. Oh it makes me cross.

grumpyzebra · 13/04/2004 19:33

Agree 100% (1000%) with WWW.

Original poster

fairyfly · 13/04/2004 19:34

Thanks www, it was very sweet that you were all seething, he just doesn't understand why any of it is wrong. He said he didn't come because he refused to play happy families and if i had let him take my son away on his birthday to spend the day with him and his girlfriend he would have done it. He says everything is my fault and i am clueless, i don't want this grief anymore, but they do have to see him, don't they.
He told me that i had to get back in the real world and stop being over the top about it all, he told me that he could have moved to Australia and then how would i be.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 13/04/2004 19:37

HE'S furious? The man who treated his son like that? The man who isn't showing up to see his own children? WWW is right. Show us a draft if you want to (if you don't want to put it on here, email me or anyone else through MN) and do your best to force the (!!!"!er to treat you and his children properly.

Rant. Rave. Fury.

Janh · 13/04/2004 19:38

The answer to that is "a lot better than I am now, you twat".

grumpyzebra · 13/04/2004 19:39

Hey that's an idea, maybe everyone on MN can chip in £1 to send the bstrd to Australia.
How would you be?! Well, you wouldn't have all this current grief for a start, that's how much better off you'd be!

Original poster

fairyfly · 13/04/2004 19:39

But how do you force someone, i will have to go to court.........i can't bear this

OP posts:

motherinferior · 13/04/2004 19:39

Yeah, right, he could have moved to Australia. To do what, precisely? IRCC, which I do, he's studying.

And your SON asked him to come round and cook tea. You didn't. You were prepared to go through the pain of playing happy-ish families (and we all know how much that would have cost you) and he let all of you down.

He is really playing mind games with you. Can't I come up and sort him out?

collision · 13/04/2004 19:40

IMO you and the boys need stability and a routine and you need to know when he will have the boys so that
a they know they will definitely be seeing their Dad and not be let down and
b it would give you a break to do your own thing and see new people or old friends and have a social life that didnt involve children!

See a solicitor as www says and get it down in writing so that it is done calmly and he cant say you are being over the top about it.

Original poster

fairyfly · 13/04/2004 19:43

The worst thing about it is the mind games, he laughs when i say he needs to sort himself out.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 13/04/2004 19:45

Been there (in minor form). Don't rise to him if you can possibly help it. Be icy and clear. We will help you be icy and clear. Getting an external person involved should also give you a much-needed reality check instead of wandering around in his special Grotesque Hall of Mirrors where he is twice life-size and you are small and twisted.

Failing that, I can come up, you know....

grumpyzebra · 13/04/2004 19:48

Have you actually seen a soliciter and discussed custody issues, FF? Sorry to ask, I know it must cost a bomb and I would hate to spend the money when you know the two of you 'should' be adults who can sort it out... but you can't. I think you perfectly well can force him to court, or subject him to court decisions, if you go the soliciter route. The (much cheaper) alternative would be an arbitrator whose decisions that you both agreed to abide by, but that requires a degree of "cooperation" that is evidently completely lacking in this situation.

Janstar · 13/04/2004 19:48

FF, sweetheart, this is totally unfair on you. He has no intention of being fair or reasonable or thinking of the children. He is just trying to punish you by using them. I hate to say it but you are better off without him in the picture. You don't need to do a thing. Just don't take his calls and don't make any arrangements with him. Let the ball be in his court. If he really wants to see them he will take out court action. That way he pays for it. You can then go to court and tell all your experiences and see how far it gets him. He will probably be granted contact and will have to stick to arrangements. Alternatively he might not bother and that will just confirm the fact that he doesn't give a s**t.

Australia - pah! Doesn't sound like he has the motivation to get to the end of the street. He just wants to blame it on someone else.

grumpyzebra · 13/04/2004 19:51

You know, Janstar is right.

kiwisbird · 13/04/2004 19:53

yes tell him directly and calmly that your children are incresingly distressed about his non arrivals and you need to make more formal arrangements to protect them...
Tell him also that Autralia wouldn't be far enough thanks...
He sounds like a complete wanker might I add, for want of a less polite turn of phrase.

Original poster

fairyfly · 13/04/2004 20:05

Well i have calmed down a little now, i just hate being given lectures about why i am wrong. It is so frustrating,it just never seems to end, my life goes calm, i think he has dissapeared and i feel fantastic without his mind games. Then it all fires up again. I think i will take janstars route and see what he comes up with, it just the longer he messes about the less likely they will be happy with him. I have to go and see a mediator with him in May, then i will qualify for legal aid. I just don't know what i want anymore or what to agree to. What the hell is the best for them. I really don't fancy him having them overnight without some prior bonding taking place. Thanks so much all of you, i sit here and wonder if it is me and i am loosing the plot. You just all affirm how wrong he is. I hope this doesn't go on for years it is draining.
Thanks

OP posts:

grumpyzebra · 13/04/2004 20:07

That's true, Kiwisbird, If the 20,000 MN members each kicked in a quid maybe we could at least get him a one-way ticket to the moon.

Freckle · 13/04/2004 20:08

FF, the answer is that you can't force him to see his son if he refuses. You could go to court, get a formal agreement drawn up and he could still play silly b*ggers.

The best thing to do is to send him a letter (or a solicitor's letter if you think that is preferable - would he take more notice if it came from someone "official"?) setting out exactly how you are prepared to organise contact with his son. Give him the opportunity to alter any arrangements if he feels they are unreasonable (you don't have to agree if you feel his demands are unreasonable). Then stick to it. If he doesn't abide by the terms of the agreement, you can rescind it completely. Keep a detailed diary of how things proceed as, if he decides to take matters to court, you can produce your diary as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

At the end of the day, you have to ensure that your son is not damaged by contact with/or lack of contact with his father. If his dad keeps letting him down, perhaps it would be better for contact to cease completely. It is your decision, unless the courts become involved. There is no need for you to go to court as you are in charge. If he doesn't like what is happening, then let him take the necessary steps to involve the courts.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but, unfortunately, it seems to be a familiar scenario.

aloha · 13/04/2004 21:58

He is SO horrible, fairyfly. Please, please, please don't let him upset you. He's playing his normal, freaky mind games with you. My dh doesn't live with his daughter and he has NEVER, EVER let her down. He couldn't live with himself if he did. It is not your fault, it is his. I think the way he talks to you is just outrageous. What on earth does he think he is doing with all this 'he needs to see his children' but not turning up? What an idiot he is. I think it might be worth a solicitor's letter just to distance yourself from him a bit. I despise him on your behalf, if it helps, which it probably doesn't.

Nutcracker · 13/04/2004 22:02

Oh FF sorry to hear this. Don't really have any good advice at the mo. It does sound as though proper arrangements need to be made though. Getting a soliciter would take some of the strain of making arrangements with him off you wouldn't it ??
Tell me if i'm talking bs

Chocol8 · 13/04/2004 23:10

Fairyfly, unfortunately Freckle is right when she says that this seems to be a familiar scenario - it is and I know only too well how you are feeling. The advice you have been given is excellent and I recognise many of the names of MN's who have helped me (have a look at "I need help...I'm at my wits end"...my thread that sadly sounds like your situation).

I am alot stronger since being given advise and support from MNetters. I still have problems breathing and am stressed - and like you "he" spoils my day if I even have to see his face - BUT, I know my rights and now with the diary I keep, I know that I can show the courts (if it comes to that) what a complete a*wipe he is and has been to his ds and I.

I am so mad that mothers should have to listen to this sort of crap from the people who should care the most in the world.

Do you have a network of friends and family who can see your children in the event of him letting them down? I hope so - I know that I always end up spending lots of money to help distract my ds so that it doesn't affect him when his "father" doesn't turn up.

Be strong - we are all here for you - definitely take the advice given, it is good advice and good luck. :0

Original poster

fairyfly · 14/04/2004 10:36

Thanks everyone. Just have to offload this morning as i woke up remembering loads of things he said. If i don't write them down and let them out i will be wound up all day.
I asked him why he has a voluntary job with two kids. His reply was " i know you don't care about me and would like it if i worked in a factory, but i am laying the foundation for a better future.
You never seem to realise that i live in the real world and work hard and in 5 years time when i have a superb job, you will be thankful. Just because you have no ambition and are going nowhere doesn't mean i have to. You are so selfish not letting me follow my dreams."
He quit is job to be a runner for the local Paper.

OP posts:

aloha · 14/04/2004 11:09

FF - please don't waste your time thinking about him. It will just wind you up more. Distract youself whenever you start to think about him. Deliberately put him out of your mind. Walk around the block, chase the kids about, do something enjoyable and absorbing. He really isn't worth your mental or emotional energy and brooding on stuff just gives him space in your head he doesn't deserve. Everything he says is crap, we know that, you know that, so don't let him bother you. Easier said than done, I know, but try to think about something else everytime he worms his way into your thoughts.

Freckle · 14/04/2004 11:14

The thing with these men is that they absolutely still have to have some control over your lives. The best way they can achieve this is through your children. Any normal person wouldn't dream of using their children in this way, but we are not talking of normal people here, are we? He knows he can mess with your head and that he can cause some effect in your life through his contact (or lack of it) with your children.

Wrest back the control. Don't let him disrupt your life. Ignore his rantings. Set down exact terms for contact. Always arrange something else to do in case he doesn't turn up and, when he doesn't turn up at the agreed time (unless he has called beforehand with an acceptable reason - such as a puncture), go and do that other activity. That way you are in control. He has to fit around you and, if he doesn't, then he misses out on time with his children. If he needs to see his children, he will fit in with your terms because the alternative is that he doesn't see them.

Once he realises that he can't mess you around like this and behaves more reasonably, you can be a bit more flexible.

Original poster

fairyfly · 14/04/2004 11:18

Thanks all, i'm trying to get the power back again, i was letting it slip a bit there

OP posts:

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