Should I say anything to my daughter's ex?

[moo48]

Last year my 25-year-old daughter became engaged to a man five years her senior after just 6 months of knowing each other. They planned to get married in 2015. They started living together this July at about the same time as my daughter started her first job as a teacher. She loves her job and is dedicated and conscientious. As we predicted, she hasn't had the time to dedicate to looking at wedding venues or anything wedding related, so she told him she wasn't ready to get married. Last week she arrived on our doorstep with her suitcase saying they were splitting up as she couldn't give him a definite timescale for their marriage. To put it bluntly, he appears to want be married more than he wants to be with her. I feel so baffled by his behaviour, and it seems so strange that we won't be seeing him again after making him so welcome in our home. It's his birthday soon and I feel inclined to say something in a card to him. Would that be a mistake?

Yes, best advice ever is to stay out of other peoples relationships. Your DD is old enough to deal with this herself.

Yes. Massive mistake. Stay out of it.

Definitely a mistake, stay well clear

Yes, it would. I understand your unhappiness at your daughter's distress but it's their relationship and not your place to comment on it to him.

All this rushing and wanting to end things because she wasn't moving fast enough sounds a bit worrying. I expect she'll realise quite soon that she's had a lucky escape.

One thing she probably won't be doing in the future is getting engaged to someone else after a mere six months of knowing them. Which is a good thing. That's practically a stranger.

What would you say in the card and what would you hope to achieve? Would you get consent from your dd first?

With the little info t date - I would say she has dodged a bullet....keep her well away.

If you still wish to send a birthday card, I think that's quite a nice thing to do, but I wouldn't put anything in it other than Dear XXX, Happy Birthday. Best wishes, moo48 - and I would only do that with my DD's blessing.

While it could be the case that your DD's X thinks she lacks commitment, I think it more likely that he believes he should be the focus of your DD's existence and is having a bit of a tantrum that he's not. Like another PP said, probably a lucky escape for her TBH. A truly loving partner would be revelling in your DD's success, supporting her fledgling career and be happy for wedding plans to be postponed by a short period. If not, either there are other issues at play or their communication is dreadful - both of which are ver good reasons not to get married.

Focus on your DD. IF she gets back together with her X after they've both done some soul-searching and had a heart-to-heart, you won't have burned any bridges by not having any contact.

If my DM asked if she could send a birthday card to someone I had just split up with, I would say "Please don't" !

A nice but ill-advised idea, better to keep out of it, it would serve no constructive purpose

God no, don't send a card or contact him in any way.

Your daughter is a grown woman. This man is not your concern.

Keep your nose out.

"You feel inclined to say something in a card to him"

What would you say to him?

To chastise him is highly inappropriate your daughter is a grow woman and you shouldn't be getting involved in relationships.

If it's just a nice happy birthday message that is very disloyal.

If my mother did either of those things I would be livid.

"as we predicted" - you told her you didn't think she should marry this man?

Why on earth would you send a man she's no longer with a birthday card with a nasty comment in it?

I'm sitting here cringing on your daughter's behalf, please don't do it. It won't achieve anything and I'd be absolutely fuming if my mum did something like that.

Yes, stay out of it.

I got engaged to my XDP very early in the relationship - his idea. I went along with it and we looked at wedding venues etc. It felt too quick but I believed he was my soulmate blah blah blah. After we'd been together a year he was wanting to book the reception venue, so I had to say 'no, not yet'.

The relationship continued but he never felt the same about me after that and eventually we went our separate ways.

So on his birthday you think it would be a good time to give him a bollocking about his behaviour towards your dd? Er, why? Don't send him a card, and thank your lucky stars your dd didn't have more time on her hands. To be honest, it does sound like she wasn't mad keen to get married - how much free time does a childfree woman who works full-time have? More than most of us! That's entirely her choice and if he wasn't prepared to either wait a relatively short amount of time or get a wedding planner involved, he wasn't the one for her.

No no no no nooooo. What do you think your daughter would think of this idea

This would be a very strange thing to do

this July at about the same time as my daughter started her first job as a teacher. She loves her job and is dedicated and conscientious. As we predicted, she hasn't had the time to dedicate to looking at wedding venues or anything wedding related

Oh what so the extraordinary long summer holiday that teacher's get wasn't time enough eh? Lots of women who have full time jobs that are much more pressured than teaching (and with limited annual leave) manage to organise weddings.

Sounds like she wasn't keen. He was right to split up with a woman who wasn't keen.

Definitely do not send him a card and if you can't manage to not do that, don't say anything about it in any card you send. Why send him a card? He's nothing to do with you anymore.

They are adults. She's your daughter and you are protective, sure. But really what are you hoping to achieve. It won't make a blind bit of difference to him. Forever he will tell the story in the pub about the girl he dumped who's batty old mother sent him a telling off birthday card.

Don't do it. And feel happy that your daughter dodged a bullet.

Leave him alone.

I don't see that he has done anything too wrong. Neither has your daughter. He wanted to get married (and what, 2 - 2.5 years after they met? Not really rushing). She didn't want to get married. They want different things and so are not compatible. End of story.

Thanks, everyone, for your words of wisdom! I always make the mistake of getting too close to my daughter's boyfriends, in fact she encourages it as we are blessed with a great relationship.
I can see now that I need to keep my distance and say nothing. I kind of felt he had rejected us too and was very hurt because we treated him as one of the family. But that's life isn't it?

Yes and maybe in the card you were going to express regret of the ending of your relationship.

I know where you are coming from and it is sad. I would feel the same if my daughter and husband ever called it quits but yes take a backseat.

If they ar meant to be they will find a way to get back to one another.

There may be other reasons she's not prepared to divulge to you.

I suppose he didn't have any time to organise anything either.

Don't send the card.

Don't interfere.

He will interpret the card as a sign of hope.

"Maybe the future mum-in-law is giving me a sign to hang in there etc...."

It is awful when family and their partner spilt, I've always got really close to my brothers girlfriends, and one is still one of my very best friends. But yes, that is life unfortunately.