Ex is sending disturbing texts

[Birra]

Saying goodbye and sorry
And "tell ds that daddy is proud if him

He's always threatening suicide, telling me I can have it all when he is dead.

Yesterday was ds's birthday, which we spent together. It was awful. We had a huge row later on. He called my mother a possessive witch, because we celebrated his birthday with my family, because we were visiting there.
He carried it on this morning. He was vile, telling me that he will fight me in the courts, telling me what lies he will tell. He will resign and use all the equity in the house to fight me. Or he will get signed off with stress. He's had advice, apparently.

He's a serial cheat, liar(huge lies ), manipulative, emotional abuse. Whores, strippers, online NSA sex, websites etc.

I loathe this man
I don't know what he wants from me
He doesn't want ds, he likes the idea of him, but the reality is too much, he can't deal with him.
It's all about power and control over me.
I'm ignoring the messages, is that the right thing to do ?

You don't want to involve his family or friends and tell them he's threatening suicide.

I see that as protecting his "image" for want of a better phrase. I'd be telling everyone who would listen - police, mental health professionals, his mother, his brother, his best mate.

Why should you be forced to keep quiet and, as such, collude in his harassment of you?

He's not suicidal. He's manipulating you.

Threads of suicide can and should only be dealt with by professionals, anyway. If you are concerned, inform emergency health services. But do not engage yourself.

Do you believe he's suicidal if just playing you?

Personally I'd be reporting to 101. This will address both scenarios. If he's suicidal he'll be on the radar, he's not your responsibility, sounds harsh I know. Secondly if he's playing you then this'll stop too.

You don't have to do a school thing with him. If it's an event, you can sit separately. If it's a parent's evening you can ask for separate appointments.

Definitely keep him at as much of a distance as you can. Absolutely no more 'family time' because he doesn't deserve it. Keep all communication with him to email and don't discuss anything but access arrangements, ignore everything else.
He will either start to behave sensibly (unlikely, though he might manage for a while), ramp up the harassment until police involvement is necessary - or, if he doesn't get enough attention from you, he might actually fuck off and leave you and DS alone.

He's unlikely to kill himself. Abusive men who use the 'boohoo I'm suicidal' bullying tactic are never obliging enough to follow it up and leave you and DC in peace.

Oh I see what you mean Helga.

If I 'tell' anyone else, it kind of causes more trouble for myself.
It's just another thing he can bully me with.
But obviously if I don't engage with him, he can't bully me.
It's not that simple though

Tell the police. And tell them if he harasses you.

I do have to do the school thing with him, they invite parents to do a birthday thing. There's no option to do it separately.

I'm going to spend today writing up some rules
Do I think he's suicidal? I think he's fucked up his life so badly that he thinks there's no way out, but no I don't think he would go through with it. He uses it to get a reaction from me. I have not reacted to those threats for months, you'd have thought he'd got the message by now.
I also ignore everything to do with his work, or how bad his life is.
I only respond to stuff relating to ds.
I am trying

You don't have to stand with him. Tell the school he's sending suicidal texts to you and threatening you and you don't want to be with him.

No school would force a parent in an abusive situation to "do things together"

Tell the school. They will need to know anyway, because if this dickhead starts playing silly buggers with the dc they need to be aware

The school should be made aware that your son's father is a twat. They won't 'make' you do anything together.
Agree also with the rest of the advice, you need to show him where the line is drawn. His self obsession has to be fed and any interaction from you is doing that.

I think you need some RL support - Women's Aid and a good lawyer to start with. This man needs putting firmly in his place and you need to amass evidence of his bad behaviour so you can restrict contact, as, really, contact with a manipuplaitve, abusive dickhead is not good for a child. Men like this are capable of upsetting, scaring and even hurting their own DC in order to punish women who have dumped them, so it's a good idea to get contact formalised, preferably supervised only.

THe problem with some (not all) schools is that school staff are not necessarily good at dealing with abusive men and often wring their hands and suggest that you 'come to an amicable arrangement' with DC's father even when he is psychotically violent. That's why you need the lawyer and WA back up in place.

This is not a criticism of you at all but there's an aspect of you volunteering for this kind of abuse.

What I mean is; you didn't ask for it, you certainly don't deserve it, but you're allowing it to continue by keeping it as a dirty little secret between you both.

Put it this way: if he went through with it, would you rather that you'd told someone?

It's a myth that people who threaten suicide never do it. Maybe he's always saying it and he's obviously still alive and kicking. But all it takes is one time for it to be a real threat.

Then what?

My belief is he's using it as a stick to beat you with. If you cannot tell people for your own sake, tell them for your son's. Because either a) he's serious or b) he's a manipulative and abusive person who needs help with himself and his parenting.

Neither scenario is something you can control, all you can do is hand the info over to the relevant people.

I have friends that I have told.
I did talk to women's aid a long time ago, I spoke to Gp, to discuss possible depression, but we both came to the conclusion that I was
just miserable having to live with a horrible man. I had counselling, that was useless really.
I hired a solicitor a year ago, but that's on hold because I have no money.

I have given him lots of options re future housing( selling/renting etc)
I am prepared to sell the house, he won't hear of it, but financially he is running us into the ground.
I can't find a job, despite maybe 50 interviews. The latest diatribe about taking me to court came after I said I would have to go to the solicitor to force the sale of the house.

He doesn't go to the school, just once a year for this birthday thing, he won't go there.

I started to note down all of his unreasonableness, but honestly it all becomes a blur, and then it doesn't seem as bad. I think that's part of the abuse, becoming immune to it.

I've just had a lovely week away with ds.
Came back determined not to put up with his shit anymore.

Good for you!

I think you are right, the abuse becomes so normal that you do become immune to that. Not only that, but sometimes I think you distance yourself from it for self-preservation.

Let him make every threat in the world if he wants.

If he won't sell then get yourself to a solicitor. Go to court if he pushes it. What do you think will be the outcome, really?

You need to start fighting back here. Instead of managing him and his abuse, you need to cut yourself free from it.

Get back in touch with WA.

Check if you're entitled to legal aid.