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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex husband is being weird...

12 replies

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 02/11/2014 15:46

I wrote a while ago about exH getting in contact after 10 years and asking to see DS.

I thought about it for a while and decided the answer was no. He can be manipulative, control and very aggressive when he doesn't get his own way. He also (obviously) has history of getting in a strop, fecking off and dodging child support. So, he could meet up with DS, start a relationship and the piss off again.

The contact also took place through facebook. He didn't offer up an address or phone number and as much as I like facebook I'm not using it to discuss my child's welfare, especially not with someone who's almost a stranger to me now.

Something else didn't seem quite right about the whole thing. He told me in his message he wants to move to my town. He's in council accommodation and I found out from doing some digging that to get a council house in our area you need family here. Not cousins or aunts, either. Needs to be a child or a parent. So I reckon that's why he's suddenly interested in DS.

A colleague/friend has just messaged me. He's requested her as a friend on facebook. She knows about the situation, I mentioned it a few weeks ago. They have no connection. She vaguely knows him (small town), but hasn't ever properly spoken to him or anything.

I'm wondering if he's gone down my friend's list and added everyone. Am a bit freaked out. We do know a fair few of the same people, if he added them I wouldn't think much of it. But given that he recently messaged me I'm uncomfortable...

What do you think? Am I reading too much into it? Maybe he just liked the look of her? (She is very nice and very pretty.)

OP posts:

socially · 02/11/2014 15:54

Tricky one.

I think you need to cautiously support contact attempts between him and your ds, whilst going into it with your eyes wide open and protecting yourself along the way.

Block him on fb to prevent him snooping and seeing your friends list etc. Does he have another way to get in touch with you?

How old is your ds?

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 15:55

Make your friends list on FB private, then he won't be able to see who your friends are.

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 15:56

Could you ask around a few friends who would be trusted or close enough for you to explain why you're asking?

I guess you would soon see him on their friends lists, if he's got anywhere with it...

What was his response when you said no to contact?

My initial thought is that depending on what your earlier interaction was like, I'd be telling him that you were perfectly wise to why he was suddenly interested in your DS and were perfectly prepared to contact the council and let them know that not only had he not seen or supported his child in this area for ten years and only made enquiries when he wanted to move to the area, he also had a history of aggression, and you would be happy to talk about that both with the police and the council if he started harassing you through your friends and FB.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 02/11/2014 16:04

Surely it's pretty evident he is only getting in touch so he ticks the box of having family (DS) in the area to get accommodation? This to me would not be evidence that he is doing it for selfless reasons and I would not respond and I would ask all my friends to not respond either and hope he goes away and decides to use someone else in the most appalling way as it turns out or am I missing something?

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 02/11/2014 16:11

What was his response when you said no to contact?

I ignored the message.

Was really long yet didn't ask about DS. Was very 'me, me, me' with a sob story about how he wanted to move.

DS was kind of tacked onto the end in a 'we'll see each other about in town so may as well get in touch' kind of way.

I wouldn't consider contact until he actually moved to this town. Visiting DS would be too much trouble and he'd get fed up of making the effort. DS learnt that the hard way last time.

How can I make my friends list private? Although the damage may be done now...

OP posts:

socially · 02/11/2014 16:16

If you block him then he can't see any evidence of you on fb at all.

I had to do this with exH to prevent him seeing stuff about ds that mutual friends had commented on.

Prob the easiest way to make your friends list private

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 02/11/2014 16:26

Okay, he's blocked.

If I thought that contact would be good for DS then I'd be open to thinking about it.

But it's not. This is an unpleasant man. Really unpleasant. I think he was banking on me still being scared of him. I'm not any more.

After he fecked off last time I got a random text (back then he still had my number) asking if I'd write to his local council and tell them he had DS three nights a week so he could get a council flat. He hadn't seen DS for six months at that point.

He can be quite narcissistic. People are 'tools'. I was a 'tool'. He just wanted a wife to clear up after him, sort everything out and give him his 'marital rights' as he called it.

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 16:34

Seriously, if you think he's going to start hassling, I would contact the council and make them aware of him - that he's a nasty piece of work who looks as though he's planning to use his son as a reason to be rehomed nearby... when in actual fact he doesn't see him, doesn't support him, is aggressive, and has tried to pressure you to commit fraud in this way before.

Sounds like the last thing you want is him nearer.

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 02/11/2014 16:45

Would he not need proof that 'his' child lives nearby?

Like an address or something? Could that be what he's phishing for?

There's not many people on my friends list who actually know my address. They certainly wouldn't hand it out without asking me first. So that isn't really a concern.

No one even knows where I work. I keep myself to myself.

OP posts:

sykadelic · 02/11/2014 17:40

For your safety (another account) edit your friends privacy:

go to your profile
click on friends
click on the pencil next to "find friends"
select "edit privacy"
choose your option. Mine is viewable only to me.

Original poster

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 02/11/2014 17:45

Done. Excellent!!

Didn't know about that.

Thank you!!

OP posts:

sykadelic · 04/11/2014 03:53

No problem! I like to also use the "view as" function to check my security.

If you click on the the three dots on your cover photo and select "view as". Default setting for that is how it looks to the public. You can edit your settings for each thing you find is visible that you want to hide.

Examples. Cover photos are visible to public BUT you can make all your old cover photos visible to "friends only" or just you. You can also restrict your profile photo so it can't be clicked on for the full photo, just that little one. Hide your groups, interests etc etc so you're essentially just a cover photo and a small profile photo unless someone is friends with you :)

You can also move your friends into "groups" so if there are some people (like me) you can't remove because they're family or family of friends or whatever you can restrict those groups so they see less than your regular friends.

Hope all that helps :)

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