Feel pressured into sex

[Joe3578]

Hi all,

Perhaps a slightly unusual complaint, but I am a 34 year old male and dislike the amount of pressure my partner puts on me to have sex. It's not that I'm never in the mood, just that I'm often not, and engage in sex very grudgingly and resentfully in order to pacify her.

This has been a problem in the past with exes.

I read this on a feminist blog in response to a woman with a similar complaint (and completely agree btw).

“If your husband is hassling you for sex when you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want it, he obviously has no respect whatsoever for your feelings. He does not have a right to expect sex from you, and no right to demand it of you against your own wishes and desires.

I completely relate, because I feel like I'm having to surrender ownership of my body to someone else on demand. Is this a valid complaint from a male? I love my partner, but I don't want to feel used. Any suggestions? :)

CogitoErgoSometimes: I have undergone treatment (pharmacological and otherwise) since I was in my teens. I have had a seriously rough time with chronic anxiety, depression, self-harm and alcoholism. Also I was debilitated with frequent, violent headaches for years. However, I don't drink anymore and my mental or physical health problems aren't as extreme as they once were.

When I was a child my mother was very abusive and demanding. We ostensibly get on now, but I feel like I am under pressure from her as well as my partner. My mother has paid for me to do an MA because she wants me to 'do well', but I don't feel like I'm coping. There are so many people making demands of me - my mum, DP, work - that I feel like I'm being crushed with demands and pressures. However, I feel really guilty because she spends so much money on me - not just the MA but clothes and holidays. And I feel so guilty for accepting it all that I feel beholden to her. Just don't feel good about myself or know what to do.

Sounds like your mother is still very demanding, tbh. Mothers are hard work at the best of times - one that has you tied to an invisible string that she pulls on at a whim can be fairly destructive, even as an adult.

And it might not be unconnected with trying to "keep back" some autonomy for yourself. Perhaps the analogy with anorexia is a good one - this is one of the few areas of your life you can try to control. Unfortunately your control is inmpacting another person in a negative way.

I have to give you a lot of kudos for getting some of the major issues under control - certainly you sound willing to tackle things. And it has to be said that no-one should ever feel that they need sex in their life to be a fully well rounded person. Many posters on here have little or no desire and are comfortable with that. However, their partners sometimes feel differently.

And if you never need sex again and are fairly comfortable with that, then the issue is a simple one - you should be with a like-minded individual.

I'm no psychiatrist but the connection seems pretty obvious. An abusive childhood with a mother who emasculates and infantilises you is going to leave you a) very nervous about a close personal relationship with a woman and b) a risk of selecting someone who reminds you of your principle female role model as a partner. You don't mention Dad?

In the simplest terms, if you're not coping you can turn down the cash and stop doing the MA same as you can tell your partner it's over. Depression is on the one hand a clinical illness and that can be treated with medication etc. Living in a stressful environment where you feel pulled in 10 different directions at once is not something that will be cured by treating you. You can only reject the environment.

In the years before you embarked on adult relationships did you live independently?

CogitoErgoSometimes: Again, than you for your reply and thank you for showing an interest. What you say really makes sense.

I lived with my father until I was 25. He was very good to me, but insisted I leave when my drinking and behavior became too much. Since then I've either lived alone or in house shares. We now have a very good relationship.

I managed to quit drinking (and smoking) and get my life under control. I also manged to complete my degree and have never been out of work. What I have endured though has been pulverising - years of crushing depression that makes bathing and cooking major tasks, attacks of paranoia, sickness, pain - and I feel worn out. For years it felt like my head was going to explode with pain. I feel in such a ragged state and am so aware that I haven't followed a normal course of development that I don't feel like I can cope with the demands of a relationship. I emotionally still feel about 14 and don't know who I am or what I want from life.

My mum means well, but she doesn't understand things from my point of view.

Well one thing's for sure... you're a survivor. :) 'Shit happens' but you seem to have addressed a lot of the bigger problems. If you could just shake off this feeling of obligation you'd probably feel a lot lighter. This is just an off the cuff suggestion but you seem like the ideal candidate for a sabbatical. Leave it all behind - work, mother, partner etc - for a year, pack a rucksack, head off round the world solo, climb a few mountains, get a tattoo. Yes, you probably are late teens emotionally speaking and people that age seem to benefit in lots of ways from having a gap year. Does that sort of thing appeal to you?

Yes, I guess I could do something radical like that.

Thank you. :)

Joe, do you post under the name annymay1 sometimes? I have been reading your thread here and it reminded me of another thread from annymay1 posting about someone who was being coerced into sex, rape fantasties and excusing themselves by saying they weren't a feminist. I completely support anonymity on MN but I do half expect the poster to tell it like it is as much as is possible. I like giving advice on things that I have experience of because I really benefit from advice from other MNs. I suppose I don't feel like wasting my energy on posts that seem spurious.

I posted on one of annymay1 posts and asked if they were a man because something didn't sit right. I also noted other posts on annymay1 posts saying that the wording of the posts was a bit off.

I am also curious why annymay1 would say thanks to Helloitsmefell regarding this post.

Hey maybe its just me and if so I apologise. Nobody should be coerced into having sex but if someone doesn't want to have sex with the person they should be having sex with they should tell that person and give them the option of finding someone who does want to have sex with them - if you see what I mean.

BrowsersBlue: No, that's not me honestly. I only joined MN yesterday. You'll have to take my word for it.

Just out of interest, why does my post seem 'spurious' or implausible? Please be honest - I won't be offended. Just curious as to why you'd think that.

The board has been getting more than a few weird contributors recently and I think the PP was confusing you with one of them because the subject matter was similar. Troll hunting is not encouraged and there was nothing intrinsically suspicious about what you wrote

Joe, I do take your word for it. I have been on MN for over 3 years and sometimes you just get a funny feeling about posts. Cogito is right I was confusing you with someone else on another thread which I thought was a bit odd. Apologies and I hope things work out for you.

Are you on medication for you depression that might affect your libido?

Hi everyone,

BrowerBlues I only said thank you to Helloitsmefell because I found her post very usefull and it confirmed
my feelings that in loving relationships sometimes there is a place to an effort or compromise to "just do it and do it with enthusiams" in regards to sex. In my experience, exercising helps to boost libido too.

I didn't post about anyone being coerced into sex. There was a thread opened by someone but it got deleted. OP of the deleted thread gave permission to her partner to have sex (who asked kindly if she surely wants it). She then felt quiet and uncomfortable with him because she ended up doing it reluctantly even though she said "yes" to him in a first place. So some people concluded that she was coerced into sex by him.

I made a post on that thread that as long as my partner wants sex - I'm happy to be there for him. I also put into conversation that being slightly forced into sex (not raped!) by my partner was my fantasy. I did not mean to undermine the OP in her uncomfortable feelings about the reluctant sex from her side.
I was sharing my view and didn't word it as an advice to OP to try to fantasize in the same way.

Apparently, according to this article in Psychology Today

m.psychologytoday.com/blog/psyched/200805/why-do-women-have-erotic-rape-fantasies

" A recent analysis of 20 studies over the last 30 years indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have rape fantasies, and these fantasies are frequent or preferred in 9% to 17% of women. Considering that many people are ashamed to report rape fantasies, these stats are most likely lowball figures".

About that deleted thread again. I did also suggest to OP that if she feels consistently reluctant to have sex with the partner her relationships might need to be re assessed. I wasn't just sharing my fantasies there.

Reported again. Promoting 'rape fantasies' is absolutely disgusting in itself and wholly inappropriate on a thread started by someone seeking help with intimacy issues.

How do I promote "rape fantasies"? I didn't use the word "rape" on the deleted thread - I used "slightly forced by my partner" which implies safe environment.

Plus it was only mentioned in terms of a fantasy. Not something I actually practice

"slightly forced by my partner" is rape. If you don't want to, then it's rape.

Annymay - what exactly is your point in posting about rape fantasies on this thread?

OP, I hope you ignore the bizarre contributions from 'Annymay1'. I also hope you find a way to address your various problems.