Not sure if I am overreacting

[paranoid2014]

I am a regular but have name changed. Purely because I am embarrassed to be in this situation. I may be totally paranoid and overreacting. so if I am please give me a virtual slap (of you recognise me please don't out me, I have family on here and would rather this stay private).

I have been married for a few months now. everything seemed sickeningly perfect. I thought were both very happy and enjoying our life together.
then a few weeks ago DH started acting a bit strange. Every time my phone made a noise he would ask who it was within seconds (doesn't really bother me as I have nothing to hide, was just getting ott). Whenever he rang me from work he would ask if I was alone. I would reply that yes I am and he would then question it saying "are you sure, you sound weird" . I have been alone on every occasion he has asked this.
He then started to randomly ask things like would I ever cheat on him. which I have always replied of course I wouldn't and I love him to pieces. By this point I am (silently) getting sick of his blatantly paranoia and insecurity as I have honestly never given him reason to feel that way. I realise people can become insecure sometimes. God knows I have in my life. But it was starting to become an everyday thing.

It came to a head last week. I had been very ill with pregnancy related illnesses but was starting to feel better. Every day after work he would come home and question why was I dressed? why was I wearing make up (when not ill I wear make up everyday)? had I been out? had I spoke to anyone? seen anyone?

I'd had enough at this point. I had tried being sympathetic and reassuring him. But there is only so long I could do that without wondering why the fuck are you being like this?

I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for it but I snooped on his Facebook. I wish I hadn't because now I have become the paranoid one.

What I read wasn't exactly incriminating but made me feel confused and sad. He had sent a message to a woman who attended our wedding. she was a guest of a family member. He had told me he didn't like this woman because she was obsessed with him at one point and always flirted with him. I told him it was just one day and we will be too busy to care so just let it go. anyway, he had messaged her a couple of days after our wedding, (whilst we were on our honeymoon!) saying how good it was to see her, how great and nice she looked etc etc. He hadn't messaged anyone else in regards to our wedding day so why take time out of your honeymoon to message someone you apparently don't like to tell them how nice they looked? she either didn't reply or the replies have been deleted. All messages before that day were him contacting her first asking her to ring him. so I think it was the other way around to what he made out.

There were messages to other woman. nothing sexual but lots of phrases like 'babe' and 'darling' and basically speaking like he would with me. He has previously moaned at me for referring the a (gay male) friend as 'babe' as he sees it as flirty.

There were messages back and forth between him and a woman I know. who he apparently contacted on my behalf! I never asked him to do this. But the general gist of the conversation was that he thought she was lovely and all I ever do is moan and annoy him I thought we had been happy.

so that's it. No sign on a blatant affair but a lot of stuff that doesn't sit right with me and made a huge pit in my stomach. I can't look at him the same now. He has been questioning me when really it should have been the other way around. Should I be feeling so angry and sad? am I overreacting?

I wish I hadn't bloody well looked.

There are lots of alarm bells here. You're recently married, and pregnant, and he is becoming possessive and accusatory. You're walking on eggshells you're nervous. You are resigned to gas lighting you because he's done it before.

Why do you love him?

Is he particularly loving toward you immediately after he's been vile and horrible to you, so he 'wins' you back?

Take screen shots so he can't delete and deny.

So what if he tries to turn this on to you. Tell him that, tell him this is about him. He will not sudden
Y change into the man you thought he was, he will get worse and worse unless you put an end to this now, and yes that may well mean the marriage ending, but do you really want to carry on as you are?

Please take screenshots of his messages and keep them somewhere you can access them later as I have no doubt he will try to minimise his behaviour and try to make you doubt yourself.

You may have form for backing down in the past, but now you have the whole of MN behind you. And that is a formidable force .

This is not acceptable behaviour in a marriage.

Sorry for asking but is this , oh same question as however. He isn't the "hoarder" is he?

You need to change your username. Note that not one person here thinks you're paranoid.
You heard people talk about red flags?
Refusing to sleep with you after the wedding... That's about power, control, making you feel like shit. Unattractive, unwanted. And he'll have enjoyed making you beg and look desperate for him.
In time, you'll think you ARE unattractive.

If you do nothing else, look up the Freedom Programme online. But delete your history so he doesn't know.
I daresay you're not allowed to delete your history though, are you? Make any sign you don't trust him it may be hiding something from him.

You can play along with this. But it will undermine you, and ultimately could destroy you. Take care love x

I love him because before this I thought he was a good man. I thought we shared the same morals and wanted the same things out of life. It felt like he was my best friend that I could trust with my life. But that's all been ripped away now.

I don't want to give out too much personal info, I think I'm already recognisable from what I have said. But what I can say is that I may have stupidly ignored some red flags. I don't trust my own instincts half of the time due to previous relationships.

no I do not want to live my life this way. But I also do not want to get a divorce. If it came to it then I would. but his reaction when i confront him will help me make a decision on that.

right now I'm guessing his reaction will be to minimise and project blame. I can almost certainly say that he will claim I am overreacting and taking things to the next level when it isn't needed. I guess I will soon find out.

So the real question is...are you overreacting? Only you can decide that as all we have to go on is what you have told us. If it is truly as you say, then heed the advice given for your own sanity!

to the PP no my husband isn't the hoarder. I have not posted about this relationship before but have posted about a previous one a long time ago. I'd like to anonymous because I am not yet ready for family to know and I know they use mumsnet

You could tell him that he's right, you have something to confess, you've been messaging an old acquaintance, nothing sexual, but quite intimate... see how the fucker reacts to that.

Can you say whether or not you already have children without giving too much away? And how pregnant are you?

OP, not trying to dismiss them, but your suspicions re him cheating are a red herring here. Many men are wonderful, lovely and great partners until they have their partner married and/or pregnant, then their true controlling nature begins to creep in.

Your husband is already wanting to know where you are and who you are with constantly and beginning to control how you look and dress. You are already afraid to sit down and have a conversation with him which shouldn't be an issue in a healthy marriage.

I am not a regular on the relationships board, nor am usually of the LTB persuasion, but I have been in your situation and it only gets worse. Please, get out now, while you have friends/family and before your baby is born or very soon you may find yourself stranded, completely reliant on him for money and isolated from your own support network.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but this is how controlling men operate.

Good luck.

I have one DC from a previous relationship and I am 7 months pregnant.

I am going to speak to a family member shortly. she has offered to have my DC while I confront him when he is home.

His paranoia smacks of a guilty conscience. He obviously feels bad & is putting himself in your place, but making you the cheater. My best friends partner started doing this out of the blue, no reason for it.
Turned out he was the one cheating. Sorry OP.

This kind of behaviour is usually unconscious. It is a guilty feeling that cannot be held, admitted to, or looked at, which is then pushed out on to someone else in order to make it bearable. Which makes it unlikely that he will be in a position to take responsibility for what he's done, OP, and I hope I'm wrong about that.

You have been left a bit battered and bruised (perhaps physically, perhaps emotionally) from a previous relationship?

You met this man and he was everything you ever wanted in a partner. Kind, considerate and you felt a bit like he 'rescued' you? You felt safe with him, you took his behaviour (which others might say was controlling) as his way of showing he loved you and wanted to take care of you?

Now you're 'trapped' (i.e. read, married and pregnant) he's starting to change. He's starting to become sinister?

^^ Am I close?

These guys are frikking professionals, OP. If there was such a thing as the Gaslighting Arsehole Olympics, they'd be laden with gold medals. They are sooooo good at zeroing in on vulnerable women and slowly putting them in a (metaphorical) cage. You've been duped. There is no shame in that.

It's ok to walk away. It's OK to put yourself and your children first. It's OK to admit that getting with this guy was a big mistake. Chances are your friends and family will be relieved. Do you have close friends and family? Or has he managed to alienate them from you?

I hope you are ok Para.

Para as soon as I started reading your post I thought "abuser" and then you threw in the fact that all this started when you are pregnant.

As a regular you will know that this is textbook EA behaviour and it is likely to escalate.

I never understand why some posters feel they have to have a Barristers Folder full of "evidence" in these situations. You are unhappy. He is having emotional affairs and is frankly looking around for a shag elsewhere. He is emotionally abusive to you and is likely to isolate you from your friends and family - sounds like he has already started by trying to distance you from your gay friend.

You can say " I am unhappy, I am off" and that can be it. Honestly. You are pregnant and really should not be putting yourself through the high drama of a confrontation.

Is there somewhere you can go - NOW to be safe and gather your thoughts?

you can trust your instincts, you have just lost the confidence to believe that you have the right to ACT on those instincts.

I had that confused too. Thought I'd lost my internal 'gut' but in fact, it was always there, I had just stopped respecting my own internal voice when it tried to warn me.

your DH sounds terribly needy, insecure and self-absorbed. Constantly fearing and accusing you of cheating and then seeking little ego-boosts elsewhere from other women. This is abusive. He is horrible. I hope you are ok.

"You can say " I am unhappy, I am off" and that can be it. Honestly."

Totally agree with this. I wasted months trying to make my x see and get that he'd left me with no choice but to leave ! he never acknowledged that.

I would confront him. But not in a direct way. Rather than saying "I've looked at facebook and read xxz" I would say "I know you are up to no good with miss X, perhaps you'd like to tell me all about it."

So sorry you're in this position. Ignore the pp who said you're enjoying the drama. You just sound sad

Good morning everyone. sorry for taking so long to reply. It has been a long night.

I did confront him. Over the phone initially. When he got home I told him everything. how I have been feeling, how he has been acting and what I found. I was actually shocked when he didn't act quite how I thought he would.

don't get me wrong, he did try to minimise at first. But I think he realised I meant business and wasn't backing down. He has admitted he was being stupid but swears that he wasn't looking for anything else. when I questioned him about the woman he messaged after our wedding he swears he was just being nice but I'm not stupid. and he knows that now.

After he realised how hurt I am he admitted fault. apologised over and over again. Then he finally cracked. apparently the reason he has felt so insecure lately is because he has been demoted and is now on a much lower wage. He was too ashamed to tell me and thought if I knew then I would think less of him and may even leave him for someone else I am not a materialistic person but he is. He has grown up in a family where everything revolves around money and nothing more. I guess old habits die hard.

We spent most of the night talking about how we both feel. I have made it very clear that these messages to other women are unacceptable and I will not be putting up with it. He has agreed. He looked genuinely sorry and mortified with himself.

He is in no way off the hook. He knows how I feel and now it is up to him to fix it. He has offered to give me his phone for as long as I want but I refused. I don't believe there is an affair (emotional or physical) going on but I do believe he has knowingly been disrespectful to our marriage.

I'm actually really proud of myself in a weird way. A few years ago I would have completely ignored this situation. It seems I may be finally growing some balls.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I don't think my marriage is over just yet. but it's early days.

I'm going to spend today looking after myself. I have some nice new hair conditioning stuff that I haven't found the time to do yet. I'm always too busy running around after everyone else or feeling too guilty to spend money on myself. But today, for one day at least, is going to be about me.

Well done on confronting him.

I would ask why and when was he demoted? Pre or post him starting all this. As I am suspicious it is a good excuse to dole out rather than the real reason.

You need to keep aware now. Not of him flirting but on him being accusatory and cross examining you.

This is his second chance. If he doesn't step up make it his last.

He was demoted around the time he started acting strange. without giving too much info he was working for a company ran by his family. The company hadn't been doing well and they lost a lot of work which meant cutting wages. so my husband has lost his previous job title and has now been put on a job elsewhere for half the wage and lost his previous job title. He said he feels like all his hard work has gone to waste and is starting from the bottom again. I feel for him but it does not excuse his behavior.

I am going to be keeping a close eye on his behavior now. He knows that I am aware of things and that he needs to sort himself out emotionally and physically with the way he is acting towards me.

Well done confronting him. hopefully you will both be able to work at repairing things now. However I would always keep the option open to check his phone/ipad etc and tell him that.