I'm so tempted by another man

[Confusedmoo]

Regular but nc for reasons..

Married 7yrs, 1 DS 5. DH was the rebound guy & i had low esteem issues after a messy previous relationship & thought that no one else would ever find me attractive so DH & I ended up staying together. Happy enough marriage, DH a good man. Very rarely argue, he works very hard to allow me to be a sahm. Romantically, well romance is dead. There is none. We sleep together when DH makes me feel guilty enough, I never instigate. But on the outside we are pretty much the perfect couple. I don't find him physically attractive and I am actually starting to look at him with contempt.

I think I have found (as fucking stupid as it sounds) my soul mate. He is also married. I am alive when I'm around him, I can't think of anything else barr him, I want him soooo badly. We have spoke of whats ifs/if onlys etc and I know there is a mutual physical attraction between us and I think (although hasn't said it) that we just 'get' eachother.

For reasons I can't really go into, I can't leave my DH. This makes me sound like a bitch but it's business/property/money related and would spilt the wider family apart. I would do it in a heart beat to be with this man if these things weren't such a big issue. I cry myself to sleep thinking I've another 40+ yrs putting on a smiling face with DH. The thought of not being with the other man makes my heart ache.

What can I do, I can't eat, can't sleep. I've never had any feelings for anyone else in my 7yrs marriage and both have faithful throughout.

Any wise words before I drive myself insane? I'm lying beside DH listening to him snore thinking is this it. My life without this other man in it seems pointless. I know I sound ridiculous and I'm sorry.

Can anyone help me sort out the mind fuck that is my brain?

Jeez, your poor husband, is he aware of how much you dislike him? He might be willing to find a solution to the business/property/ money solution if you tell him.

Your husband was rebound-man and now you appear to have focussed on someone else who you could be putting in the very same position.

You mention having discussed with this man what ifs/if onlys but is he prepared to make a commitment to you by leaving his wife and family to make a future with you? If he hasn't you'd be mad to enter into a physical relationship with him without accepting that two families could risk being totally destroyed by it.

The only decent and sensible thing to do would be to extricate yourself from this marriage, if only to allow your husband to be free to make a relationship with someone else who was truly committed to a long-term future with him. Which you patently are not or you wouldn't be fantasising about embarking on an affair outside of your marriage.

My sister was in a similar situation to the one you are in now not that long ago, although her lovely husband wasn't Mr Rebound Man. Her lover didn't leave his wife and children and she's a divorcee seeing him in secret as and when she can. It's a bloody miserable place to be. Don't be that woman unless you're fully prepared to accept responsibility for the potential fall-out.

You need to end your marriage. This other guy, would he even leave his wife for you?

I think I have found (as fucking stupid as it sounds) my soul mate. He is also married. I am alive when I'm around him, I can't think of anything else barr him, I want him soooo badly. We have spoke of whats ifs/if onlys etc and I know there is a mutual physical attraction between us and I think (although hasn't said it) that we just 'get' each other
Oh yes? Sicilian, is he?

If you want to break up from dh, do it, but don't do it for the other man. Like many others have said you can't see past the stardust in your eyes. Sort your marriage out, but step away from this potential om. You don't mention his marriage, but don't forget he is married. Don't be the ow.

It sounds like you don't really know this guy enough to know whether you are truly compatible. A deep love, one that lasts, one that is positive for both parties as individuals, is something that I think is far deeper, in fact far more "practical" than this "soul mate" feeling. I don't want to belittle the depth of your feelings for this man, but I just wonder whether it would truly work faced with the reality of day to day living and all the mundane and tiring and difficult things it involves. Are you financially compatible? If you were going through a tough time at work or with family illness, could you stick out those lows together? Relationships are tough...and that leads me onto my second thought that it is difficult enough to make a relationship work when everything around you is positive.... It would be even harder in the context of two broken families, fractured social networks and complicated (possibly worsening) finances. I just imagine that even if you had a deep connection... It would take a real battering from real life given the family situation.

I do believe in soul mates...or at least a recognition even when you don't know somebody that well that you are deeply compatible. A real connection on quite a spiritual level. So I sympathise, and if this is what you are feeling, it must be hell on earth being married to someone else. I have no advice as to what you should do....just a couple of reservations. Also, I think that in life, it's not just about fulfilling your individual needs. It's about making the best of what you have.. Even if you do feel frustrated. And if your DH Is a good man, I reckon you should go NC. Try your very hardest for quite some time to make it work with him.

Marrying your DH could well have been a mistake.

You might be right about the other man.

But here's the thing. Two things, in fact.

1. What you describe is simply good old-fashioned, ten a penny, stuff of teenagers infatuation. It isn't special. It isn't deep. It isn't 'soulmates' - you don't bloody know the man. It's that illogical, weak-kneed ohmygod I can't live without him can't think of anything else whoosh amazing luurve thang that everyone has when they meet someone new that they really like. Especially when everything else is such a desert. The truth is, these feelings signify not one tiny shit of truth. They have zero significance. You might well end up with this man blissfully happy for the next 60 years... or it might burn out in a year and you'd look back and think 'God I can't believe I felt like that about that utter twat!' The WHOOOSH feeling is exactly the same for both outcomes. T'was ever thus. So - only an utter fool looks at the way they feel when in LUURVE like this and makes life-changing decisions on the back of it. Only an utter fool. Leave your marriage because you are not happy - yes. Take time alone while you get to know this man - yes. All good. Leap into an affair on the strength of an infatuation with a new bloke you actually know not one real thing about while it's all excitement, fluff and mirrors - no.

1. Oh hang on. You DO actually know one true fact about the personality of this new guy. And that is that he is the kind of man that is willing to at least have an emotional affair behind his wife's back. There you go.

I have to confess to having the soul mate connection thing just once in my life. I was hell on Earth wanting what I couldn't have.
I distanced myself and I felt your pain. I knew deep down that although there was a mutual attraction, perhaps lust; a very powerful emotion and a rare one at that; feelings were not a good enough reason to bring suffering to others.
I think if it meant to be you will have to be prepared to wait things out. What is meant to be will be.
If you no longer love your husband you need to tell him but don't bring the other man into it. You should not have to live a lie.
Your finances can be sorted, it is not insurmountable .
Give yourself at least a year of being single; if you and OM still feel the same way, wait for him to leave his wife.
There are no guaranties I this life but you really need to get the full picture.

Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply and for not judging me for feeling the way I do. If I could turn my feelings off for the OM I would, but at this moment in time he is consuming my every thought, waking and not.

Well I've learnt something new today... limerence. It describes everything to a T. I miss passion and lust in my relationship and although nothing physical has happened with OM the tension is there and it's almost addictive. I'm scared of loosing control and from this I see no other option but to go NC and this deeply depresses me. My DH is not a bad husband, he provides and works hard but there's just nothing there any more. The 'admin commitment' I alluded to is incredibly complicated and would take years to sort. But on the other hand 40yrs plus of marriage left seems hell on earth as does the thought of not being with the OM.

OM has described his marriage as am almost replica of mine.... Married young & foolishly and had played over a lot of 'if only' scenarios with me.

My head is totally fried. I know it's sounds like teenager angst & a grown woman should wise the fuck up, but a future without OM in it just seems bleak and un livable. How fucking pathetic do I sound, and I totally know it.

Thankyou for showing me that no good can come out of me being the OW, two families potentially devastated with horrendous fallouts. My self esteem is low and I'm glad you's highlighted this as I'm not sure I would have known when to stop for my own preservation.

I hope you dont mind but I'll try & keep this thread alive to keep me focused as I have to have a lot of unavoidable contact with OM this coming week.

Thanks all again

Hi confused
OM has described his marriage as am almost replica of mine Isn't that part of the OM/OW "script"?

The 'admin commitment' I alluded to is incredibly complicated and would take years to sort. But on the other hand 40yrs plus of marriage left seems hell. Maybe you need to start by unpicking all of this and seeing whether there is a way you can become independent. Slowly get your ducks in a row administration wise as it were?

It's going to sound trite but is there a way you can make your daily life more interesting / meaningful so that you yourself create some of the passion you crave?

I am glad you have found this thread helpful.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, but have been caught a bit unawares by these sudden passionate feeling.

I stand by what I said before: seek some counselling for yourself, help with self-esteem/confidence and may assertiveness.

Confusedmoo - are you me a few months ago?? I also have a similar aged child and a DH who has never given me that butterflies in the tummy feeling - but is someone who I admire and respect, and is kind. DH and I were having occasional sex but it did feel like a chore at times, but I put this down to getting older and having a lower sex drive. I enjoyed having a little secret crush on MM colleague and was quite happily pottering on with my life.

Until MM asked me if I fancied a snog at the end of a work do.

In my case, I was so shocked, I pretty much ran away - leaving MM quite confused.

It panicked me to realise how easy it would be to cross the line and that I could be capable of doing something so disrespectful to DH who has done absolutely nothing wrong. The strong attraction also made me realise my sex drive wasn't actually as dead as I thought.

I am still working out my feelings. I have made much more effort with DH to connect on a physical intimate level which is helping. But MM is still in my thoughts all the time, even though I can rationalise what a sleazy thing it was that he suggested.

I hope all goes well for you this week - it's very hard if your contact is unavoidable.

If you have time to pretend to be in a happy marriage whilst seeing another married person you have time to put energy into ending this sham of a marriage, don't cheat, it's such a weak excuse to say he's your soul mate when you don't even live together.

You won't change your mind and suddenly fall in love with your OH, it's a dead relationship that you are dragging out and deceiving your OH at the same time, it's no way to live.

Pity your OH and the OM's partner.

You need to end your marriage if you feel that bad or face the rest of your life together miserable HOWEVER I wouldn't not leave for this other man

Would not i meant

I really sympathise with you.. I have been on both ends of this so can also feel very sad for your DH and how helpless he must feel. Even if you are not being completely open with him about your feelings, he must sense it.

I've just read a really great book. I'm not normally one for 'self-help' books but there's one called The Passion Paradox and it explains why, during relationships, you can fall into the trap of either being the one to have loveless feelings for someone you once did and also of being the one who is the partner of someone when this happens. It helps you look at why you got together in the first place and how you can change your feelings and get the balance back into the relationship.

Try it, if you definitely don't want to just end it - surely it's worth a go to make you feel happier where you are! It gives strategic, practical advice on how to do this

Hello again,

Well OM is currently using all tactics in the book to try and engage conversation with me. It's killing me to to refrain from chatting etc the way it has been before. It's all just wrong place wrong time. I am removing myself from the situation (him) today & although it's causing major problems I feel confident in my decision as I know it's the right thing to do but it's making me heavy hearted knowing I won't get to see /speak to him today. Totally ridiculous feelings, I know...

Thanks for all your advice so far

When you say there are complicated admin and financial concerns , could you consider walking away with nothing except the minimum you need to look after your children till they can look after themselves? I had a ten year marriage like yours to a very good hardworking man who supported me financially for years. When I started to look at other men I knew I had to leave as it was very unfair to my good decent husband who had done no wrong whatsoever. I left without taking a penny - he was extremely wealthy but me making no claim on his millions certainly softened the emotional battering I inflicted on him. It surprises me that fewer people don't do this or maybe you just don't hear about it.

I'm curious as to why it's hard to avoid OM if you are SAHM.is he your son's teacher ?
For curious read nosey

If you can't see a future with your husband but are tied to your life with him and cannot put an end to it then you will just have to suck it up. I believe most unhappy marriages can be ended and a new start made but if you choose for various reason to stay together then you have to live within the confines you have set yourself.

The alternative is to destroy someone else's marriage because it would all come out in the end. The fallout, emotional distress, disruption and the ending of the marriage you say you currently cannot get out of will happen anyway.

To avoid this OM I suggest you tell him in no uncertain terms the intimate chats have to end unless you are both prepared to end your respective marriages with dignity and then try to make a life together rather than the awful mess an affair would result in.

I cry myself to sleep thinking I've another 40+ yrs putting on a smiling face with DH.

I wouldn't be so cock sure about that to be honest.

You need to sort out this admin business because if he ends up leaving you, it sounds as though you'll be up shit creek.

Have you seen a solicitor OP? I ask because this financial issue needs to be addressed and you need to know where you stand definitively in the event of a divorce.

cantgetyououtofmyhead we both sound so strikingly similar tbh right down to the part about sex being a chore and your DH being a hardworking, kind man. These feelings for OM have literally came out of the blue and smacked me in the face. I wasnt looking for anyone else, I was just pottering in my sheltered life not really unhappy or miserable and then BAM!

Jasper, don't really want to say what OM is doing but he's here doing a job from 8-5 every day for the past 6wks (only another week / 10 days left) and I've had to be in close proximity....

The admin side of things is a real fuck up to be honest and cannot be easily rectified for 5yrs (I've had a brief look into this) No solicitor advice as I think that would make things too real and I'm not ready for that yet.

Thankfully today NC with OM has been ok, however I have found myself thinking of him and had the butterfly tummy thing (ridiculous I know) I've re read the limerence definition and totally agree with it unfortunately.

Tonight, DH has said he won't be working as he has noticed I'm unhappy. I'm going to make an effort and try to bring DH to the forefront of my mind if it's possible and try and build on that.

As I said, I do not want the devastation and fallout of 2 families from being the OW and I owe DH so much more than that, but can I just settle for '2nd best' as such??......

Thanks all

Brilliant advice from NoMarymary above.
If you really can't end your marriage you do have to make the best of it and indeed suck it up.
I hope the night with your dh went well