Why do all the other girls seem so good at this?

[superstarheartbreaker]

This relates to another thread but it's to do with men going distant after sex in initial relationship phase.

Most girls seem to accept that men go distant after sex and stay level headed and don't text. They trust that the man will call back.

I on the other hand will panic and send the first text. Ugggrrr- what is wrong with me?

Hi all. Yes I do need to work on myself. Im fed up with therapy though. Going round in circles.
Going to stick with hobbies. It breaks my heaet tgat everyone else seems to be ccoupled up bit I am still alone. I feel like I supposed to celebrate being a strong, independent woman which I do when I feel steong and independant but wh at I realky want is a supportive dp to be thete for me when im going through things like giving birth like everyone else had.
I even had to give birth alone. Its at timed like tgat when being stronh and independant wears thin.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a supportive partner. You just don't seem to know how to go about that.

You're putting your efforts in the wrong place.

Thing is that messaging people you haven't met or hardly know isn't Getting to know them or building a relationship. To know someone's properly you have to meet, do stuff together, share a bit of yourselves and find out what makes each other tick. This takes time.

Him sending messages about finding him physically attractive was basically him saying 'are you up for it?' Which you were.

Thing is, you want a real relationship and he wants a shag. If you want a stayer get to know someone in real life before taking it further. A few extra text messages just won't bring you what you are looking for.

Sorry and I wish you luck. There are lots of nice men around, honest.

I do feel you might not know what you want..and maybe give out mixed messages. I've seen your thread saying where are the fit men? Do you want a fit man or do you want to have a relationship with someone you really love (not that he can't be fit!) but you know- what's your priority?

I knew DH as a friend for a year before we got together sexually.

Ok, so ours is a extreme example, but I still think you need to get to know someone before you shag them.

Texting for a month is not getting to know them

You sound so unhappy I just want to give you a big hug. I'm assuming you're meeting these men online dating. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to tell what men online are after. I think you need to be upfront and honest from the word go that you want a relationship. Yes, it will scare some, maybe even a lot of men off but that's a good thing because hopefully all the users will flee.

I don't really know what to make of that exchange with the last guy. He did sound quite full on so I don't blame you for asking him to back off a bit. To be honest, you sound extremely muddled. On date one you don't think you fancy him yet on date two there's lots of chemistry. He's full on so you tell him you want to go at your own pace but you have sex with him on the next date. You say you really like him yet you're relieved to have a break from him texting you. I'm not criticising you for any of this at all but it all sounds very confusing, both for you and the guy involved. You sound like you're giving out mixed messages as well as showing your insecurity very early on. Insecurity is a magnet for users, abusers and not very nice people. I'm glad you're self aware enough to realise that you can't form healthy relationships at the moment which is great. That's half the battle.

I'm not normally one for telling people when to have sex, I normally just say go with the flow but I think in your case it might make you feel better if you got to know people more first to relieve all this texting after sex angst. Date around as well - you need to see that you're the one in control of this, there's a wide pool from you to pick from and YOU get to choose. Focus on whether the guy you're dating matches up to your expectations. If they do, tell them you're looking for a long term relationship (it has to be without looking desperate or insecure though which isn't easy! Have you ever had CBT? It might help with this).

I didn't agree with the comment about finding it harder in your 30s to find love. A lot if men this age can be separated/divorced etc and although they might come with a bit more baggage than guys in there 20s most women have more baggage at that age as well. I think the op just needs to be a bit more picky with men she meets,get to know them as a person,and don't fret about finding the one as that can make you get over sensitive when things don't work out. There are decent guys out there,but there's also a lot of idiots so just make sure you keep level headed,and don't believe everything a guy says till you really get to know him
The best advice ever is actions speak louder than words. So true.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

I've been reflecting on this and tbh I don't think this chap was that bad. We chatted a lot about our hobbies and interests , he said before we had sex that he didn't mind if I didn't want it.

I think the problem is that I'm simply not secure enough to act in a " normal " way. He did text me first after we were together and said he wanted to meet up. His last text was that he wanted me but tbh I am terrified of letting someone in as have been hurt. I'm sending out so many mixed messages and I interpret the slightest distant text S a snub. I over analyse and read to much into things and tbh I'm exhausted.

I can't remember the last time I could just relax and enjoy a relationship. The last time I did he dumped me and I was devastated.

Tbh I find all relationships hard work. Sometimes I think I have bpd.

When you say he texted saying he 'wanted you' was that a general 'I want to carry on seeing you' or some kind of booty call?

Hmmm....maybe a booty call! Who knows but I don't think I'm ready to second guess him!

If you are sending out mixed messages, it seems like they are being received. Guys who want to see OSS material see that. Guys who might want LTR can't clearly see that, especially if they have their own confidence issues, they maybe even see outright rejection.

You really need to reach a point of being OK with who you are and what you have. So the only message you send to any one guy is the one you intend to send to him based on HIM, not on all your potential hopes and fears ever about any man. Mixed messages are off putting to all except the immediately besotted and determined fairy tale prince who already knows what you want better than yourself and will hack through all the confusion to rescue you. He doesn't exist.

determined fairy tale prince who already knows what you want better than yourself and will hack through all the confusion to rescue you. He doesn't exist

^
An excellent analogy if ever I heard one!