Is my ex being a passive aggressive shit?

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

I have ongoing problems with my ex. He has been very sloppy over the last year regarding access to our DD (i.e. not taking her for successive agreed weekends over a long period of time and being late picking her up) and also maintenance payments.

I have a terrible cold at the moment and have been really struggling with it while having my DD full time at home. I texted him this afternoon asking it he could make sure that he could come on time (4pm) as I was really feeling horrendous and did not want him to do one of his usual things where he'll text to say can I do DD's tea because he is going to be late (and then turn up after 5.30pm which he does a lot).

He responds with "I sent you a message the other day, did you get it?"

I reply "no, was it about tonight?"

He then says "I think you need a new phone. It was about schools. I'll be there at 4"

I then ask what it was re schools (didn't receive any message from him) and pointed out that had nothing to do with my opening original question.

It then went back and forth for a bit where he said he did answer my question and me saying only after 4 texts between us and then him saying that I am not making any sense. I told him to just answer my bloody question and he still never actually told me what his text about schools was anyway.

Is this an example of him being a passive aggressive little shit (IMO!). I am totally exhausted and filled up to the gills with cold so don't know if I'm overreacting.

Yeah I would say so Stripey - is it typical of his behaviour when you were together or is he bitter about splitting? either way bloody exhausting - I used to not get a few texts that were sent to me which would then lead to exchanges like yours

Hi monkey if I were you I would not use texts for anything other than functional messages eg to confirm a time or event. These asynchronous convos on text can become a playground to people like your ex.

Whether your ex is being PA or not, by refusing to use texts is a way of you taking back control. He can try leaving you dangling on a thread waiting for a response. So don't engage by responding.

Instead keep the discussion until you can see him, so you can get quicker info and feedback otherwise it's just cat and mouse the whole time.

I hope this helps you x

I find text and email to be more preferential than face to face talking or over the phone because he will just talk over me, not listen or hang up. He'll then twist my words around. At least with recorded conversations I can look back on them and see exactly what was said and not second guess myself.

Also I needed to contact him as I did not want to risk him not coming late. I am feeling terrible so will be going to bed as soon as my DD is picked up.

I just cannot for the life of me understand why he behaves like this. He does it all the time.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going back home from a day trip with my DD on a weekday that my ex has her. Our trip back home passed his house and I saw his car outside his house. It took us 5 minutes max to get back to mine in the car. I then ring him to say Ok we're home you should come now and pick her up. He then doesn't turn up for 45 mins so I ring him up and he says he hasn't even left the house because the traffic is so terrible outside his house so is waiting for it to calm down. I then point out we were literally outside his house 5 mins before I rang him to which he says nothing.

I know that he does not want to be in relationship with me. It really feels like he is constantly trying to pull my strings and wind me up!

can I do DD's tea because he is going to be late (and then turn up after 5.30pm which he does a lot).

As an experiment, why don't you try saying to him next time (assuming you want him to come at 4pm), "please could you come at 5pm as 4pm will be very inconvenient for me?" and make up some sh*t about why he MUST NOT arrive before 5pm.

May not make any difference but would flush him out if he is being deliberately obstructive.

I tell him that his childcare is not your problem, he comes on time to pick her up etc. I would resort to email only, get a new mobile number and only have it switched on when your dd is with him.

You need to massively cut contact with him. What a mind game playing arse he seems to be.

He knows that I do need him for childcare support as I don't have any family nearby, my friends aren't really in a position to take my DD for long periods of time and I can't afford childminders etc. So he is my only option if I want a night/weekend off. I am fed up of having to pencil in potential evenings out that I've been invited on in the future because he has a tendency of cancelling on me at the last minute which means I can't then go out.

I have recently been thinking of cutting down the access we have at the moment (he should have her every other weekend and a weekday night) but this has totally gone out the window. I've been thinking of telling him that seeing as he is struggling so much with keeping to his word why don't we cut it down to one weekend a month and a weekday night every other fortnight.