Some advice on my highly strung out DH please

[Sureimgrand]

I'd like some sort of advice in how to talk to my husband. I don't know where to start but I sent him this text this morning. It might explain where things stand now.

"Do you know why I find your actions frustrating sometimes? You asked me to help you get the children ready. I practically get everything they need. I pack the bag. I even offer 2 sweater options for each and hold them up to show you. Unfortunately you still don't manage the last step of bringing them to the car. Its like you switch off or something. You seem to be in this big rush which I don't understand. Thats why you might feel I treat you as I do. Its hard to be so patient if you don't listen and run off like that. Then you try to make me feel like the unreasonable one just wanting my children to be warm".

A massive text, I know, but I just can't talk to him lately. He was in this panicky rush this morning. For no reason, he was visiting his parents with the children for a visit with their Halloween costumes.There was no time mentioned, it should have been relaxed. He's in a huge huff because I had to chase him with their sweaters. Its cold and raining and they are both in t-shirts, ffs.
He was in a huff all morning and I told him to calm down a couple of times. He's recently taken smoking up again so I told him to go and have one, and stop rushing a mile a minute. I don't know why he was stressing for no reason.
If I ask him. He says things like "You're nagging me" (how original) and then chasing the 3 year old around and shouting at him to get his shoes on. The 3 year old hid under the table and I don't blame him. My DH can be scary when he's like that.
I really don't know why he's acting like this. He says he's sick of me telling him what to do .He also says I act superior to him.
So its a vicious circle really. If I ask him to do something, its nagging, but I couldn't see the babies go out cold. Should I really have kept my mouth shut?
He asked me for help getting them ready and I didn't see it as nagging.
Why can't it work both ways?
I personally think he might be a little depressed or anxious. He seems very on edge all the time and ready to blow up at any little thing.
Anytime I try to talk to him about it, he says things like "Oh yeah, its me again, I suppose there's nothing wrong with you", "blame me again", etc,etc.
I'm tired of it. Can someone relate or give me some insight into how he might be feeling from an outsiders point of view.
I am quite laidback and this stressy thing is hard to relate to. He wasn't always like this, by the way, its been getting gradually worse, over about a year, I guess.

I don't think he has any work issues or anything like that.

Firstly, I would concentrate on how you feel when he is behaving like this.

Do you think it's acceptable? I presume not, so start from there.
Once you actually believe this it will be easier to have a conversation about how his behaviour is affecting the whole family.
If you are dithering about 'why' he's doing this, you are effectively allowing him to treat you and dc badly.
He may very well be stressed and anxious about something serious, but it's still not acceptable to treat people badly.

I think, when you're at the stage of having to send texts to the person you live with, something's going badly wrong. On the specific example you gave, yes I think you should have let him get on with it, even if it meant cold children. He may have asked for help but he wasn't specific enough what 'help' meant. They were going from a warm house to a cold car to another warm house.... they wouldn't have died of exposure. And if they'd made a fuss because they were cold, he'd have learned a valuable lesson all by himself. 'Own the problem'

The snappy behaviour is slightly different. Whatever's going wrong in his life, he has no right to take it out on other people and bring the whole family down. So you put it to him that he either has to be honest about what's going on, what's turning him into a bear with a sore head, ask for help or find some way of fixing it..... or he has to cheer the fuck up because you're not prepared to tiptoe around waiting for another mouthful.

Yes, I have told him its unacceptable and he can't treat us like that. He responds with something like "but what about the way you treat me" , and I ask for an example and then he eventually says I'm trying to twist it.
Its impossible. It feels lately like we are going around and round in circles.

He just rang to put my son on the phone and then spoke to me as if nothing had happened. I texted him after (as he was with his parents and couldn't talk) and said, as you say (thanks!) he treated us terribly and its unacceptable and its unacceptable to act as if nothing had happened. I also said don't dare behave like that again. He replied, OK I'm sorry.
Maybe its a start, but it tells me, he really doesn't give a crap.

Thanks Cognito, simplifies things for me. Yes the cold thing wouldn't have mattered hugely to the 3 year old, but the other ones a little baby and I hate to see him cold and the inlaws house is freezing.
I probably did sound like a nag. But I brought the sweaters downstairs for him, held the bloody clothes up to show him both options then packed the bag and left (as I work from home,so I could go back to work, was late already). He seemed to nearly resent that I had work to do. Next thing, he grabbed the 2 and packed them into their car seats, minus clothes. I just felt why did I bother going to such effort to be ignored. Its not just this, obviously, but its just typical of how things are with us lately.
He acts like that, but yet, I'm the nagging wife. I'm the unreasonable one.

Do you ever talk to each other? Not the usual day to day stuff about not forgetting a loaf of bread or whatever, but actually sit down together over a meal after the DCs have gone to bed, switch off the TV or whatever, and have a conversation? Do you spend much time apart beyond time spent at work? Do you each pursue hobbies and interests or go out with friends? Are you affectionate with each other... share a joke, hold hands, kiss good morning?

As a couple you are getting on each other's nerves. That stage where, if the pair of you sat in total silence, you'd be pissed off with the sound of each other's breathing. That mostly happens when the communication has stopped. Either you've spent too much time together, life has rendered you boring or busy, you're taking each other for granted or the affection has dwindled. It can also happen when there is a bigger crisis.... depression, affairs, job worried, secrets, lies....

So you have to find a way to communicate in the first instance. And not via text

Yes sometimes I'd wish he didn't breathe. I get where you're coming from. We do need non-child time together. Its been fairly full on since I went back to work. also , we are sleeping separately so missing that going to bed talking time (never mind sex...)
I've made an effort with him as he has, what I thought , was a really boring hobby. For something to talk about, I took it up myself a few months ago, and love it. So we do share talking bout that. but he's not great with talking about feelings, etc. It always becomes a blame game, delving into history or who did what. Or me making him feel bad, or trying to make him feel guilty as apparently I do.
We are not good as resolution, that's for sure.

Unless there's a really compelling reason for sleeping separately, I'd suggest that might be a place to start.

Got to try, thanks Cognito. So why are you so wise, are you a trained expert?

Well my opinion is that you are definitely contributing to the issue. Seems very ott reaction about the sweaters and if a partner texted me what you did then it would seem to me like they were acting superior - the tone is quite condescending. Even the fact you had to text that rather than have a conversation .... your resentment towards him is obvious and must be obvious to him. It may or may not be justified but it's not going to help the situation

Not an expert. Have been in more than a few relationships, that's all :) IME loss of intimacy and loss of temper tend to go hand in hand. Not sex necessarily, but the little 'TLC' stuff that makes everyone feel close. The chats you mentioned in between getting in bed and going to sleep, for example. It could be something else entirely, of course, but I'd start there .