We are Family. What does that mean to you?

[spinamum]

Unnecessary whinging to follow I'm sure, but It's getting on my tits....

My DH and I have DS1(3) and baby on way. I see this as my family. I have "another" family that I grew up in.(Brother,sister,Dad I'm close to emotionally.Mum passed away 3yrs ago was close to her too BTW)My parents brought me up to me independant of them and I am. My DH is very close to his family, but they all seem to live in one another's lives more than I would be comfortable with.
Little things annoy me eg my MIL always uses her "two" as referance for everything my DS and pg does.(He's half me too!) She gets upset if we go anywhere(including boring places like sainsburys) and she isn't informed-she doesn't live anywhere near us so it's not for "grab a pint of milk" reasons. I believe a lot of this is Mother/son stuff Which I hope to avoid. I did my best and even arranged a second birthday cake for DH family to share with DS recently as it is important to them to be there to celebrate it.But my MIL made loads of comments about it being his family birthday rather than "the one with his little friends."(which I spent days sorting out and enjoyed greatly along with DH)
FIL has invited DH's uncle and family over to ours over Xmas(when my bub is due) I'm beginning to feel pushed out of my own home!!!!
Anyway my question is...Is someone asked who are your family,I would say husband and children. DH and his whole family seem to see his family as primary family. DH is a sweetie and does see how intrusive ILs are to me and my space.

Sorry this really is whingey. I wolud just like to feel like the sort of family I grew up in. My MIL even come around and cleans my bathroom(if I've not got there first-quite often in this pg) I feel like I've gained some surplus parents rather than feeling like the maternal unit in a family of my own!!!!

Re-reading this I sound like a bratty teenager I once was I'm not. I am quite a sane grown up usually! I do understand the differance bewteen family and family, but I feel the balance is being tipped in the wrong direction by over involved ILs

Anyone got similar experiences? Do two children make things more "family like". Are DH and I in some sort of "we're too young to be grown up parents like our parents" bubble?

Sounds very much like my MIL. Have you ever tried to talk to her and what was/ would her reaction be? Also you say your husband is understanding/ supportaive so can he not do anything.

This is your family and you have to decide how you want to do things(along with your partner). Sometimes this involves being pushy and that always feels horrible especially when people are trying to be helpful, but you will regret not putting your foot down earlier.

Oh God, that would really annoy me.

My SIL is a bit like that in that my MIL (so talking about dh's mother and sister of course) practically lives with them. Wherever they go - to a friends BBQ, to BIL's parents...she goes wtih them. She spends most weekends there adn they are just in each others pockets. She does her ironing on a Sunday for instance. They do their food shopping together.

TO me, SIL doesn't have her 'own' family unit. She is married with 2 dd's but her eldest dd will run to her nanny before her dad.

If it works for them then that's great but it's not how I'd like to live. We do things as a family - i.e. me, dh, the 3 boys. Sometimes we do things with other people, including members of the family, but it isn't assumed. SIL barely does anything as just their family unit.

At the moment they are trying to 'break free' a bit and for the first time ever came up to visit us for the weekend - just them adn the girls. When SIL phoned her mum to say they were coming she started saying it was awkward as she had something on - she automatically assumed she was coming!

Anyway, I'm rambling on - I do not know what you do about this kind of thing short of moving away! This is what we did - not for that reason of course - but it keeps us out of these issues and poor SIL gets all the grief. If I was still living locally I'd get to the point, I'm sure, where I'd just have to be blunt and say 'don't do x'.

My family is a big spralling web involving cousins, second cousins, second wives of ex uncles etc.

Anyway I think you need to put your foot down with regards ILs inviting folk to your house for xmas - I wouldn't accept that from ILs or my side

I see my family as me, myself, dp and soon to be bump. I see my family as the people I grew up with and am close to. Although I do spend a lot of time with my mum, and if ds was upset, he too would probably go to my mum first rather than my dp. Me, dp and ds all spend christmas together with my immediate family, but to be fair, I do live on the same estate to or within busing distance of my family.
Gosh, it gets confusing doesn't it.

Oh yes, TheBlonde, my family is very much like that too, but I am closest to the people I lived with.

"We are family" means a great song by sister Sledge to me

But...now, my family means DH, me and the DSs as they are the people I put first. I get on fine with my parents and brothers and sisters and even my ILs but the four of us (soon to be 5!) are most important.

Funny, I was just thinking about this today. My family is myself and DH and our three children. I obviously also see my dad and my sister as family (my mum is dead) but they live in another country so I don't see them too often. MIL has a real thing about family - her parents, sisters and their families live in France and she spends a lot of time there where they all live in each others pockets. If we are there too she turns up where we are staying whenever she likes, invites family members round without consulting us etc. We have had phone calls from French cousins (not close to DH) announcing they are coming to stay with us in England because MIL has told them it will be ok - NOT!!! It's got to the point where I am extremely childish and if she makes any reference to family I say in a rather puzzled voice "oh, you mean YOUR family". FIL who I really liked died recently and she seems to think that she will now come and go as she pleases, she announces her arrival and never asks if it is ok to come. Up until now I have been very accommodating, but she has recently pushed me to my limit and I'm not taking any more - God I'll stop ranting now............. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, resist your MILs attempts to bulldoze you. She needs to understand that her son has moved on - this doesn't mean she cannot be a part of your family, but she needs to understand she is no longer the only mother in the equation.

I do have every sympathy with you, but I can see exactly how it might happen. My family may be me, dh, ds and dd, but what happens when they go off anf get their own families. Is my family then just dh? Until I had children, I really resented my in-laws. Now I totally get where they're coming from.

Fair point. I appreciate that i'm living with her son and only grandson,but they're MINE,ALL MINE! Only joking! I appreciate that they have a good relationship and I wouldn't want to stand in the way of that. I get on really well with her too. I think it's mainly the not realising that this is my home and she's actually my guest. I feel like a intruder.

I just need to come on here and have a good old whinge. I'm trying to understand DH's family. I just wish that they would try to understand mine(both of them!)

LOL at "not the only mother in the equation". It want it boils down to, isn't it. Territory!

just remember one day you will be the mil

but as I rarely clean my own bathroom, I don't imagine I'll be cleaning my DILs!

I know exactly how you feel - I have the same with my MIL...

My parents live abroad (well, actually I do as I am the one that moved away ) and we don't see each other that often (twice a year max).

My MIL lives within a 5 min drive, she lives within 10 mins drive of all 3 of her children. She works full time so is not on my doorstep all the time, but she still has the attitude that her children are her children first and foremost regarding of the fact they are all married with children... She went so far as to tell me to never take her son away from her.... (at the time I had ds and was pregnant with dd) so I told her that if she had that attitude about her son (my dh) I would have the same attitude about my son (her grandson) After all she can't have it both ways....

my family is my dh and my sons aged 9 and 10

extended family are close by (ie mums,dads,bro,sis etc)

on christmas day we have no visiters and we dont visit anybody we spend the day as a family which i love.
visit my parents chris eve
dh parents boxing day
and all our siblings are at parents houses on them days too

ask my DS (4 1/2)
our family is "mummy, me (DS 4 1/2), DD (2) and Daddy"

daddy left us in Nov & lives 3 hrs drive away

Must be doing something right as apparantely this is our family & not grandparents etc who live next road & see kids every day

dont know whether to smile or cry

My family are me, DH and my boys, along with their grandads.

MIL used to irritate me, just cos she was MIL, but my children are just as much my IL's grandchildren as my parents...would never EVER make a distinction between either set of grandparents (although they would do different things with and for the boys). Sadly both my mam and MIL died almost 8 years ago, and my dad remarried. Although we don't get on well with stepmama, as far as my boys are concerned, she is their grandad's wife, and therefore their grandmother.

As the mother of three boys, the thought of eventually being a despised MIL fills me with horror.

it means " ive got all my sister s in me"

SURELY

I agree with most of you that say my family is me, dh and kids but my mum and mil would say the same thing but that their families include me,dh our kids, and our siblings partners iyswim. I am close to my pil as we have good boundaries and they respect us as a family unit. I think boundaries are so important in this. I don't want to imagine in 20years time that I will tread on my daughter-in-laws toes, but dd and ds will always be "my family" even when they have their own.

My DS has only one surviving grandparent, and both DH and I are only children. So I'd love a MIL to moan about.

But as an only child, I also know that I need my own space. I'd be particularly cross about the Xmas invite - that's really inconsiderate, especially with the baby due. Surely if you explain things, they will understand. Especially if you are usually warm and friendly towards them.

thanks all. I just needed to have a little whinge and also the topic of "family" intrigues me. I wonder of I'd live in another country to mine if I needed that day to day contact that some are lucky to have. Also would I have so many MIL issues if my own mum hadn't passed away during my first pregnancy.

I will take the advice about compromise and detaching.

And I will TOTALLY dictate what happens at Xmas cos its my Bloody due date!!!