DH sleeps on sofa due to newborn

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Background: 6 week old DS, 2.3 yr dd. Dd is teething with molars. DS has reflux and were EBF.
2 weeks ago dd had bad teething pain and was waking in the middle of the night. DH would take her to living room as she was unable to settle and let her play or watch tv. But she to her pain (and probably some feelings due to recent upheaval with DS arriving) she would be naughty and misbehave and wouldn't let DH doze on sofa. He decided she wasn't teething but was waking and being naughty entirely on purpose with the goal of annoying him and making him tired. This of course can't be true... She can't wake herself up to annoy daddy.
Anyway, we had a huge row as he was yelling at her for being naughty and he scared her, made her cry and was generally out of order to her and me.
Arguement resulted in me getting this text 'I'm tired. He wakes me up when he cries and she then won't let me sleep so I'm going to sleep on the sofa until things get better' and that was 2 weeks ago.

Right, he works full time and I'm SAHM. So I'm fine with him needing his sleep and if the only way to get that is to sleep on sofa then ok, from that point of view I can understand.
But I hate it. I hate the way it was done.
There was no conversation at all. Just informed me in a grumpy angry way.
I am struggling to deal with DS. Most nights I'm lucky to get 4/5 hours sleep. Then I have to deal with DS and dd all day. DS is, of course, wide awake during DD's bap so I don't get to nap at all.
Dd is being very naughty and the day is filled with constant battles and tantrums. Tantrums might happen because I've gone to the toilet and she doesn't want me to.... It is attention seeking.

But then DH comes home and wants to relax. So I've still got to cope with 2 tiny kids cos he's been at work all day. Then when they are both asleep he sleeps soundly on the sofa and I'm up all night with DS.
I resent him. We made the joint decision to have a second child. Why is it now all my reaponsability?

Further to this. My mum stayed over last night and DH had to sleep in bed with me. He made it painstakingly obvious how annoyed he was by this. And when we went to bed he faced away and didn't even say goodnight. No cuddle, no kiss, no intimacy at all.
I had been quite looking forward to it as I thought we might just get to fall asleep together. But he was clearly not interested in even any physical contact.
Which has just made me feel so rejected.
His excuses for aleeping on the sofa over the last 2 weeks have been:

• so he can sleep as it's more important for him to sleep then me as I don't work
• so I have space to deal with DS
• incase dd wakes then he is already set up in living room

It just feels to me that he doesn't want to sleep beside me.
He huffed and puffed each time DS woke up during the night - which was only 3 times - and I did feel immense pressure to keep DS quiet. DH is a non communicator so he will simply stonewall for. Day or 2 now saying he's tired and refusing to talk about anything. If I try to make him talk he will yell and say I have started a row.
He does help out at home. Cooks, cleans, washes up tidies up etc. But he does it all in a huffy way and also says he is doing it 'to help you as you obviously need some help with this stuff right now' which also makes me feel inadequate and pissed off cos these aren't MY things to do to be 'helped' with.
I suggested that either Friday or Saturday night he has DS and brigs him to me for feeds and then takes him away again... But so far this hasn't happened and the suggestion was not met with a happy response.

I don't know what I'm asking. I feel this isn't normal and possibly indicative of deeper issues. I feel rejected and unwanted. I feel resent towards him but I also feel that he resents me and DS a bit. I feel he liked the status quo before DS and isn't adjusting. I'm doing all the hard work and he's getting off scot free.
Thanks for reading, I know it's epic long

Right you have to remember that YOU ARE WORKING TOO! Just because he works outside of the home does not give him the right to full nights uninterrupted sleep and all the free time in the evenings.

He's a bit of an idiot, I really feel for you.

I'm expecting dc2 and even though I'm 'off' dh will alternate night feeds, free time in evenings and weekend lie ins.

Being at home with small kids can often be harder than being at work IMHO.

And just to add I went back to work FT after dc1 and will go back after this baby, so not wanting a debate about what is easier!

I would ask what things were like before DS. IT sounds like you have 2 very different approaches to parenting.. 2 year olds do scream and cry as part of natural development when they simply don't get their own way.

One thing I would say about you both is you are both describing DD as naughty when she is firstly reacting to a new baby in the house and been allowed to get up and play so completely out of routine. I would look up positive parenting it sounds like daughter would really benefit.

I do think he is doing the cop out parenting and you need to sit down and have a chat. He needs to listen to how you are feeling. Ask him to get up on weekend so you can get some sleep.

Also with DD can you sit her in front of Tv for a while while DS sleeps at least you will get a bit of quite time. IS DD still napping? It may be easier to put DS in bouncy chair and get on with jobs while DS sleeps.

You are probably both very tired but like someone else said this isn't going to go away in the near future and you need a joint plan of action.

Dd doesn't let DS sleep much during the day. Her reaction to him is to wake him as soon as she twigs he has been put down. We I nly have a small flat so she goes into the hallway and screams til he cries.
Sometimes can bribe her with peppa pig but it never lasts long. She's 2 though so I'm not too hard on her as she doesn't really understand what she is doing. She knows she is waking him and that's wrong/naughty but she doesn't know how to deal with her frustration and emotions and attention seeking. Much like her father probably! He doesn't understand his emotions!

He was never great with dd as a baby. He doesn't get it. As soon as she started walking/talking he got more involved - she became interesting I guess!
So in some ways I'm not surprised but I am surprised by his sudden and such full on withdrawal from the situation. We decided together to have another baby, so he should take at least some responsibility in my view!

All that aside, it was the way he seemed annoyed at having to come to the bed and his total rejection of me that hurt. We haven't laid beside each other for 2 weeks. Have barely had a cuddle in that time. No chance to sit down and watch much tv so no snuggling up so it seemed to me as a great oppourtunity to be 'together' but he just wasn't at all interested. Made me feel pretty shit to be honest.

Surely if he made a bed up and slept next to her she wouldn't cry lots?

This lemonpuffbiscuit Thu 30-Oct-14 07:48:54 with bells on. I'd be having a complete melt down on his ass by now.

It's really normal for toddlers to have a complete sleep regression when DC2 turns up. He needs to step up and help to fix that problem even if that means a mattress on the floor of DD's room for the next two months. Been there, bought the t-shirt.

Calpol for the teeth and it is not acceptable to get shitty with a toddler in the middle of the night who is in pain.

But he does it with such bad grace and then the fall out is he is grumpy and moody for at least 24 hours 'cos I didn't sleep well' sometimes 48 hours... Time to grow a backbone [sorry if that is harsh] and tell him that he needs to grow up or take his moods elsewhere.
I'll bet you anything he is not grumpy and moody all day at work - he'd be given a warning.

Argh

Tbh, my first impulse when I read your post was that I'd be packing him an overnight bag, pointing him in the direction of his mother's house and letting him know you'd be there when he'd decided what's going on with him, if he was in or out, and he's ready to do some talking with you. Because you're already handling one toddler (pretty much alone), two of them throwing tantrums and not using their words is more than anyone can cope with. You can't talk reasonably with someone who's snarling whenever you try to open a conversation. And the passive aggressive huffing and laying with his back to you is equally trantrummy.

I'm sure he's struggling too. It's a huge shift in routine, the sleep deprivation is awful, but you sound on your knees and he needs to behave like a grown up, a partner and a father, and work with you to get through it. That's the part he has to decide to do for himself.