Is my marriage breaking up?

[Writerwannabe83]

Since the birth of DS seven months ago our relationship has been under some strain, an undercurrent of tension and cracks beginning to show. Frequent bickering, snapping at each other (well me to him) and I just don't know if things can be fixed.

I think he's lazy, a little selfish and that he needs to grow up. He thinks I'm a nag and that I expect too much. He hasn't used those words but it's the general gist.

After another argument today we actually spoke about splitting up. I don't know how it's come to this.

In some ways he's brilliant when he comes to DS but in other ways I feel infuriated.

I left the home for 4 days earlier this year (end of July) because I was about to crack.

He thinks we are too different and that when it comes to parenting the differences are just too much to ignore.

We have only been married 18 months.

I don't know what I want or need from this post. Reassurance it advice, I don't know.

When we were talking arguing yesterday I did acknowledge that it's about compromise. I said maybe I do need to lower my expectations but at the same time he HAS to step up his game.

I've just been downstairs - no mess in the living room from giving DS his morning wash. I went down to the kitchen and DS was dressed (without DH having to ask what to dress him in) and he was in his high chair having his breakfast of toast and yogurt. DH had also tidied the kitchen and done the mountain of washing up.

I got all tearful, told him I was worried about our relationship and I was upset about the fact that yesterday we had been talking about splitting up. He said that of course he doesn't want us to split up and he was just saying things in the heat of the argument. He must have weirdly sensed I had been moaning about V Fest as he told me he isn't going to go.

He ordered me back upstairs and had taken DS out for a few hours.

I'm so conflicted. He's a brilliant dad and in some ways so thoughtful but we can't just keep having the same arguments again and again.

I just don't feel like me anymore. I miss my job, earning a wage and I miss my freedom.

I love DS more than I can explain but it's been hard at times. I don't think I appreciated just how time consuming and draining a baby can be and I think I expected a more equal parenting role from DH. It's been a big life change to adapt to.

I think OP hoped he had an epiphany the last time she told him she had had enough.

Will you be going back to work?

Ha could have written that, you don't have to sah, is part time work an option? I did 4 days before mat leave and it was very nice. I think your expectations of yourself are too high, you need to be happy too. Not everyone finds 24/7 childcare fulfilling even when they adore their dc as I do.

I get where you are. My DH goes away a bit as well for football and cricket. He has more nights out with friends than I do. It annoys the hell out of me, and the only way to redress is to organise stuff for myself and tell him I'm out on x, y and z evening, and take it as a given he is home to deal with it. Its so mush easier now I'm back at work and I just go straight out after work, and he comes home and does bedtime etc. I also take everything I get, so if it happens that he cooks every night for a week, I never step in and say 'ohh it must be my turn' because I know I'm owed it in spades!

FWIW I think its too soon for counselling, as I imagine a counselor will tell you the first thing you need to do is sit down together and agree what you expect of one another. You get a lie in a the weekend, and detail what you expect to come downstairs to, a dressed and breakfasted baby, a tidy kitchen etc. He cooks x times a week, and gets x trips away a year, he can decide if that going to be used for a festival or work or whatever.

You will deal with the baby, cover x% of the housework, and the laundry (I don't know how the dynamic works, but you see what I mean). It sounds like he has to be told how to be a parent. You will need to step back, allow him to make mistakes, dress the baby is all sorts of weird stuff, ie let him figure it out for himself. He might begin to enjoy it if it feels like he has a bit of autonomy.

Tell him that once he steps up, and you reconnect as a couple, you can start going out together and reigniting a sex life. He needs to know that as a couple, you do things together ie parent, run a house, have fun, support, have sex etc etc.

If he's not up for it, then yes, your marriage sounds in trouble.

From your last post I think you will be fine, I think he probably doesn't "get" the increased workload, but if he pulls his finger out, the penny will drop! And I think its very normal to be going what you're going through, so don't despair.

(PS I don't think you're a control freak, and I think that comment was unfair. It wasn't about the baby being undressed - who gives a fig about that!? Its about him not doing it and leaving you to do everything. Its like giving you a lie in and taking all the good out of it by increasing your workload once you got up.)

My ds had a baby with his partner at 20..he did every job possible with his dad..picked out what clothes..baths nappies.. everything. This was a guy who was totally all over the place maturity wise...hence ending up in an unplanned pregnancy situation. Your dad is obviously older..a teacher who can do his job l presume. There is absolutely no excuse for him leaving stuff all over the floor ..he needs to grow up big time. That said l breast fed three babies until they weaned themselves. My dh was never in another room and we had sex at pretty much the usual time after birth. Maybe he feels totally disconnected to your little family...there is a lot that needs to be sorted. I know when you feel resentful sex is last thing on your mind but getting back to lovers situation makes life more fun and stops everything being a grind. How old are ye..just wondering if both very young

It appears that H thinks that you are the default parent, which means he can pick and choose when and to what degree, he will parent. He won't get it as long as you're there to pick up his slack and there to blame, when he is slack. It's scary how many men make all the right noises when it comes to parenting, knowing that when push comes to shove we'll be there for them to dump their responsibilities on.

Personally, I'd call his splitting up bluff, but not before discussing a parenting and contact plan, where his parental picking and choosing is limited and scheduled. If you're not ready to call his bluff, I would still recommend drawing up a Parenting Plan. A Parenting Plan would give you both the opportunity to discuss your parenting philosophies and for you two to set out in black and white the most important practical aspects of your co-parenting. A good Parenting Plan will also acknowledge that baring neglect (which leaving a child in a wet nappy for extended periods is), each parent can parent in different ways.

I would be more optimistic about this, if I hadn't seen OP post about him being an inconsiderate arse over the last 2 years - sorry OP - but he is.

It seems you are in this pattern with him. He does nothing, nothing, nothing, you blow up, he goes all out/full on to win you back. Then nothing, nothing, nothing again.

I don't think you've been happy with him for a long time.

As for the sex thing - if I remember rightly - sorry - he has a pretty low libido and again, it was nothing, nothing, nothing then you blow up, and he would do something. I'm really not surprised that you aren't feeling the love towards him right now.

Didn't you get offered a job recently, writer? Or am I thinking of someone else?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

DS was very much planned and due to health problems I have it wasn't a decision we took lightly.

I will be returning to work, I was initially going to have 12 months off but then reduced it to 9 months because I was desperate for some of my independence back. I have a job interview next week though and if I get this new job I won't be able to start it until DS is 10/11 months anyway but that's fine.

A few times DH has passed comment that he feels excluded and banished to the spare room. He gas said he feels like an outsider and that me and DS are the 'couple' now. I always just brushed his comments off as bring light hearted, but maybe not. Maybe he doesn't take on a big parenting role because he thinks I push him out and that I don't think he has anything to contribute. Maybe I should have listened to him more when he made those comments and talked about it with him.

Me and DH definitely need to find more time together and when he gets back from taking DS I'm going to sit him down and have a really good talk about it. My aim for the day is to put DS into his own room so DH can move back into our bedroom.

Something needs to change. I don't want DH to feel that he isn't an important part of this family or that I don't value him as a parent.

I keep talking about our parenting needing to be equal but at the same time DH needs to know I view him as an equal. He loves spending one to one time with DS, he is always taking him out - probably because he feels it's the only time where's he's allowed to be the primary carer and doesn't feel like he's in my shadow.

I know I need to look at myself and how I treat him as a husband and as a father if I'm going to ask him to change too. Like another poster said, I doubt our problems are one sided.

Good memory irene - my interview is next Tuesday.

Don't be too quick in assuming responsibility for this, toddlers get away with acting out, not grown arse men.