How did you save your relationship?

[Mamacookies]

I have been married for 11 years and have 3 DCs. DH and I rub along fine usually but we have no real romantic bond. Usual scenario of having become as good as flat mates who have a good laugh but not much substance otherwise. He is adequate father and lovely person except within our marriage.

To be honest we often bring the worst out of each other. Arguments are never isolated to whatever started the row. Always becomes a 'why is our marriage so crap?' discussion.

Had sex once since DS was born 18 months ago. Not sure how he was conceived since sex was rare even then.

I love DH and have a real aversion to the divorce option because of implications for me, DH, DCs, even my mum and MIL. We like each other's families so would hate to lose that part of my extended family.

I know for a fact we are perceived as being a cute and content couple because we do the happily married act so well!

I would really love some positivity from anyone who was stuck in a rut in their long term relationship yet managed to rescue it to some degree.

Haven't tried counselling yet because have childcare issues...

I haven't had to save my marriage (yet) OP but I think it's incredibly common for relationships to feel purely functional when you have small dc.

I think counselling would help but also carving out some time for just the two of you. Dinner out once a month for instance.

What are your childcare issues? It shoykdne be too hard to find a babysitter for a couple of hours.

Shoykdne?!? Shouldn't be!

I was about to basically write your post. Am in the same position myself, and struggling to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping somebody wise has some sensible advice....

You need to find out the underlying reasons for your crappish marriage. There will be a reason. Ask him? OW? Porn? Find out.Why do you have to accept mediocre?

Also sounds like he hijacks arguments so he doesn't have to be accountable.

Thank you for your insights. Definitely good to know it is common for marriage to become functional when DCs are young teenage. I guess I knew that but needed to be reminded. My concern is that if we don't address it now then when DCs are older and less demanding then I will have nothing to rescue with DH.

Sorry to hear you are going through similar bigpig. It wears you down doesn't it?

drumdrum you have hit several nails on the head. Porn has been an issue which didn't do my post baby body issues any good. He has apologised and says is willing to work on our love life but seems to miss the point that without love and affection I don't feel like sex with him. He says for him he resents lack of sex which makes him less affectionate. He is being a bit simplistic here because at one point it was me who complained about lack of sex. He would stay up late watching TV when I would suggest we went to bed so I'd be asleep by the time he came up etc.

He is extremely defensive and passive aggressive. Buy in his defence he does talk the talk on occasion which gives me just enough hope to stay.

My approach to this is that he is a bit of a shit husband but then I'm a bit of a shit wife. So if I address what I can do to help then that gives him the opportunity to step up. If he didn't change then I would know I can't save the marriage on my own and could make a clearer decision.

The idea of a date night with him right now is quite repulsive to me. Maybe if we went to pics or theatre it would be bearable because wouldn't have to make conversation too much.

It's bad if I don't want a date night with him isn't it :(

Child care - we don't have family close by and would be stretching finances enough paying for counselling without extra cost of a babysitter.

Yes it is pretty bad that you don't even want a date night with him... My dh says he feels like we are running a business together rather than a family but we still enjoy each other's company outside of the day to day grind (I snap at him a lot...)

There are some counsellor a that will do Skype appointments these days which might help.

It sounds like you are both entrenched in your positions and I'm not sure how you fix that without outside help.

My dh read "how to baby proof your marriage" just after we had our first and we found ourselves screaming at each other at 3am... I never read it but he said it was really good and I know he implemented some of the things in it. Perhaps buy each of you a copy and then talk about it afterwards.

Does he want to fix the problems too??! If e doesn't then I don't think you can do it alone.

Hi op

I was also contemplating starting a thread on this topic. I have one dc at the moment and am expecting my second and in the back of my mind I am concerned about the impact it will have on my relationship with dh. After the birth of dc1 I became very resentful of do because it seemed like my life was much more impacted by the new baby then his. These problems have still not really been resolved as I still do the lions share of childcare as I work part time and this will increase more when I go on maternity. Things became easier as dc1 got older but I'm worried about going back to those dark days when I was full of so much anger.

I kind of understand what you mean about the not wanting to go on a date night with your dh. For me I find these kinds of ideas distasteful because I know it will fall to me to organise it and with everything else my dh forces me to do on my own I can't be bothered to make that effort. I went from being almost tearful when dh and I spent time apart to enjoying it and almoat feeling relieved when he goes away on weekends. I do enjoy it when we spend family time together and dh is very affectionate and loving but is so inconsiderate and i worry he doesnt have the capability or will to be the kind of husband i want. However like you i can admit that i too have faults. I am worried whether our relationship will survive until dc are out of the baby phase so am looking forward to reading the replies on here about how others coped with having very little spare time for each other.