Don't know what to do

[WishingOnAStarOneDay]

I'm a long term lurker on here, finally plucked up the courage to post. I know l am absolutely pathetic but I just don't know what to do.

Split up with my partner of 3 years last week. He started acting strangely about 6 months ago, despite trying to get him to talk he claimed everything was fine, in desperation l broke into his phone and discovered he had been cheating. Instead of confronting him like a normal woman l decided l had to make myself better so he wouldn't want to stray, l lost 3 stone, made a big effort with my appearance and planned lots of activities he had wanted to do, basically l tried to act like the perfect girlfriend.

I even took him on a surprise trip to New York for his 30th as l knew he had always wanted to go. I thought we were having a great time but whilst there l checked his phone again and there was another OW. They had been talking about me, she had liked some photos l had tagged him in on fb and they were laughing about how risky she was being.

I made such an effort to get him to want me which l know makes me sound like a complete loser. I live alone and don't have any close family, my mum lives in NZ with my sister and her kids and we aren't close. I do have some close friends but they are all extremely happy with great jobs, partners and families and l just feel like an embarrassment with my rubbish life.

He says he doesn't want a relationship but l know he just doesn't want one with me. He was such a lovely caring great guy and l don't know what has happened to him.

I know if this was happening to any of my friends l would tell them they were well rid of him but despite everything l still love him, all l want is for him to love me and look at me the way he used to. I just don't know where l went wrong. We had talked about getting married and having kids and l just feel like it's been stolen away from me. I feel like my whole life is stretching out in front of me alone and l just can't bear it.

I realise l sound completely pathetic, not sure why I'm posting here, l guess l just want to speak to someone, anyone. Been sitting at home by myself for the last week with this running through my head and l feel like l am going to explode. I used to be such a strong independent woman and now l'm just a pathetic loser. Sorry this is so long.

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time.

I think the only way to go with this one is complete cold turkey with regards to your ex and keep yourself busy - so as much as you don't feel like it, no sitting at home turning things over and over.

Do you work? Have friends/family that you could make plans with? Any interests you've always wanted to take up?

this website will help you

I just don't know where l went wrong.

You did not go wrong anywhere, why are you trying to blame yourself for his change of mindset?

Yes it hurts when someone chooses to check out of a relationship with us. Of course you feel hurt. It will take some time to heal. Be kind to yourself.

But do accept his decision to walk away: for whatever reason (and the reason is not important), he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's his choice. Accept it for what it is: a choice, by another person, that you have no influence over.

You sound very sad and isolated and my heart goes out to you. It's difficult to come to terms with a breakup at the best of times, but even more so without support. Call your friends. They will be here for you at this time.

Thanks will have a look at the link.
Yes l work but have taken some leave, my work was really suffering the last few months and l don't have a great manager so took some extended leave before it got any worse.
My friends have decided that if l have a night out then l will suddenly feel much better, it sounds incredibly selfish but l can't bear it as within about 5 mins of talking to them the conversation always turns to their DP and what great things they have done for them this week.

I just feel so lost and alone and really really humiliated to be honest

I'm sorry you're going through this OP - it's awful and the feeling of knowing he's lied to you for a long time makes it even worse.

Be kind to yourself - you're not pathetic or a loser. You trusted someone you love and he chose to treat you badly. You did nothing wrong, you tried to make it work but he wasn't interested. Now the best thing you can do is pick yourself up, look forwards and don't contact him - you don't need him to keep making you feel bad, so find other things to do with your time.

Speak to your friends and family - let them support you. Incidentally, they may all look the picture of happiness and wonderful family life, but anything could be going on under the surface.

By the way, a huge well done for losing that weight - what a great achievement - make the most of it, try and get out and enjoy yourself and make the most of the life you've got.

Sorry - X-post. You shouldn't feel humiliated for giving your relationship your best shot - that makes you a good, strong person with huge determination - don't put yourself down, you sound lovely OP.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am crying here, this is the first time anyone has been nice to me for a while.
I haven't told any of my family yet, like l say we aren't close and well l feel embarrassed to tell them. They adored him and l am worried they will blame me for messing things up.
I am struggling with not contacting him, he was my best friend and l really miss him and l know he does feel really guilty for what he has done to me. He is coming to collect his belongings on Sunday, just hoping l can stay strong for it.
I realise now that l have based my whole life around him, that's probably what made him stray.

Honey, don't think that this is your fault - it's not - categorically!

If he was a decent, honest, kind person, he would have talked to you about your relationship and called it a day in a fair, unselfish way and made sure you were managing ok.

He's done none of that, he's made you think things were ok and let you believe what you were doing could make a difference. He's a liar and a cheat and he doesn't deserve you. If your family think otherwise, then you need friends to talk to honestly about it.

Keep talking on here, there are lots of us who have been through the same thing and have come out the other side in one piece, stronger and able to cope - just like you will do.

Oh wishing, you poor thing. It really is a horrible horrible feeling. I remember it well.

Thank you all. Have started writing an email to him saying exactly what I think of him and what he has done to me, doubt l will ever have the strength to send it but it helped a little putting it into words.
He is still denying cheating on me (l know there was at least 3 OW) even when l asked him outright if he had slept with one of the OW who I vaguely know.
Despite everything he has done to me though l would still take him back in a heartbeat, no idea why l am so weak.

Definitely write the email, but don't send it.

Do it for you, to go through your feelings and move you one step closer to closure.

But it will change nothing for him: he did not care about your feelings when he cheated on you, he will not care about them now, it will not make him break out in remorse and guilt... Don't hit send.

I agree, don't send it. OK, so you'd take him back in a heartbeat... now think of how you'd feel in the weeks and months ahead - always checking up on him, never sure he is where he says he is - he's already duped you over and over again - do you really want to put yourself through that indefinitely? I know you want to go back to where you were a year or so ago - but that time has gone. For a while it was good. You won't feel like that with him again.

Keep writing - it'll do you good and keep talking. In another 3 weeks you'll feel a little bit better. Take it a step at a time.

Hi

Sorry to hear this.
I found out my husband was cheating on me with some tart he met online, this was five weeks before our wedding, I cancelled the wedding, we split up, I took him back a week later.
Reorganised the wedding for six months later, married him.
Never trusted him after that, our marriage last about 20 months, I had been with him for ten years before marriage and we have two boys

You will never trust a man who has cheated on you.
You will always be checking on him.

The next few weeks will get easier, I promise.
You will not be single forever

Keep strong

Best wishes x

Hold your head up, be strong and go get a man that deserves your love.
Not a cheating bastard like this one.

They don't change - he'll do it again and next time you could be married with kids (just like me and my stbxh who left us for the OW).

Find your anger. He is a total twat badger cock womble who does not deserve you. Or happiness. Ever. Find your anger.

I am trying to find it l really am. Would much rather be angry than this pathetic weak woman l appear to have been reduced too.

Have just discovered he has reinstated his online dating profile (we met online but also knew each other in RL) l actually discovered it the day before we split and when l called him out on it he acted all shamefaced and told me it was a mistake and he was going to delete it right away. He still hasn't deleted it. Stupid fuckwit didn't even bother to change his username and in fact it is word for word the exact same as the one he had when we met. No doubt he hasn't deleted it because he is already talking to some unsuspecting woman.

So not only has he cheated with several other women, but he's still looking.

This is the time to pick up your pride and take the moral high ground - don't beg him to come back and don't tell him how bad you're feeling. He doesn't give a damn.

Meet up with your friends, force yourself to go out and talk to people, stick a smile on your face and before long it'll be easier to do.

Wishing, I am sorry you are going through this. It will get better and one day you will look back and realise you have had a lucky escape.

If you did take him back, like others have said you will never trust again.

I was once given some wise advice from my Auntie, imagine you have a daughter and she is in the situation you are in, what advice would you give her. It has helped me make some pretty hard (but right) decisions.

Wishing you all the best and remember you did not do anything wrong.

Poor you OP, this is a horrible situation to be in. You can't help it if you love him, but you can see that he's not a lovely caring man - he's cheated on you multiple times, that is not what a nice man does.

If you just walk away from him now and draw a line under it, it will be painful and lonely in the short term, but it does not mean a long lonely life stretching ahead of you - in fact the opposite. Learning to say no to men like this is what will give you a happy life and help you find someone who respects you. If you stayed with him, or kept taking him back, that's your ticket to unhappiness. Getting rid of him opens up your life for better times.

You said about your family "They adored him and l am worried they will blame me for messing things up." If that's the attitude they have to you, no wonder you find it hard to believe in yourself and be strong. What's happened here is him treating you badly, and you haven't done anything wrong or anything to deserve it, and also it's not your responsibility to attract him back or be "good enough" for this idiot. You're already way too good for him.