Grandparent favouritism and husbands alcholism causing anxiety

[crazycatface22]

Hi

I feel at the end of my tether and really need to talk to people impartial.

I have a terrible relationship with my MIL, we are completely different people and I am bitter about how she treats my 3 yr old DS in comparison to my SIL's two boys 2 & 6. She offers them daily childcare and school runs and cannot even commit to one morning with my DS and is always making excuses not to have him or to cut his visits short. After what seems like the 100th time trying to sort an arrangement out she calls again to rearrange and everytime it just turns into a huge row between me and DH.

DH - Loving, wonderful husband, great father. Issues with alcohol. Goes out rarely now but every time he does he stays out too late 1/4am, throws up everywhere and in his sleep, wakes up angry and lashes out, holes in walls. Says horrible things to me that make me feel that he really doesn't love me. When he has eventually sobered up, which takes 24/4 hours he is always begging for forgiveness, it wont happen again etc.

The anxiety that both of these things cause me are becoming unbearable. I am feeling extremely unwell, unable to sleep, letting things go over and over in my mind, especially at night. I feel run down.

The thought of being without my husband fills me with dread but I also don't feel we are a great team anymore. I feel everytime he goes out and does what he does a little bit of my love for him dies. I feel that everytime he doesn't address the issues with his mum, and takes her side over mine, that he is digging at me further and I am really concerned for our future.

Not sure what the answer is as I have been searching for it for years now.

Im scared and feel lonely. I am having counselling every few weeks, trying the techniques with the MIL, they work, then she changes her mind on her promises and we are back to square one.

I am interested in hearing how others cope with similar anxieties -

Sorry its a long one!

How often do your DH's alcohol binges take place? To me at least, your DS will not be damaged at all by an unreliable or distant grandmother. MIL is not worth wasting time on, therefore. Your DS will be damaged by being the child of an alcoholic father and a scared, lonely, unhappy mother.

I was once the DW of a man that abused alcohol alongside a host of other bad behaviours. I thought my world had ended when we split up but, from where I stand now, I had a lucky escape. You can never be a team with an alcoholic because they are selfish, dishonest, love booze more than others and will constantly let you down and drag you down.

If you're having counselling, maybe try to explore why you want to keep people in your life that cause you nothing but pain? Do friends and family (your family, not his family) know that you are suffering so badly or are you keeping his secret? I would also urge you to take what's left of your courage and your shattered self-esteem and go talk to a solicitor. Find out what life would actually be like if you cut him loose.... it's almost certainly better than this.

And just to emphasise.... an alcohol-abusing man who has reduced a child's mother to the state you are in is not a 'great father'. My alcoholic exH had one and , even though the father wasn't violent and even though he looked after them materially, it screwed my ex and three of his siblings up completely. They all went on to have alcohol problems of their own.

The answer here is to leave your H and his horrible mother who picks favourites for grandchildren. Like mother, like son; they are both dysfunctional people and you cannot rely at all on either of them. You and your son do not need these two in your day to day lives; such toxic people should be rejected completely by you.

Just coping with this going forward will not work and will serve to make you feel even worse.

Your son will be far more damaged by remaining within this situation at home with his drunkard father and his scared out of her wits mother. And no he is patently neither a wonderful husband or a good father at all, not even close, if he can terrorise you as he has done. That behaviour in turn affects your son and he sees and hears far more than you care to realise. If you actually think your son will remain unaffected by all this going forward then you are sadly mistaken. He could well end up being a drunk like his dad.

I would also read up on co-dependency as this often features within such relationships as well.

What has your counsellor said about all this, have you told this person the full extent of what is happening at home?. If not you need to start opening up more. It is not shameful to do so. Infact I would consider talking to Womens Aid as well because they can and will help you leave. Cogito's advice to talk to a Solicitor now about your legal position is also good.

Look, if alcohol leads him to abuse you, and he knows this, yet continues to drink, he's either an alcoholic, or he doesn't care that he abuses you. Or both.
He's not a nice man or a good father if he can knowingly choose to go drinking, knowing that it will lead to him abusing you. You need to find your bottom line, and it needs to be no alcohol whatsoever.

You are raising a child with a man who puts holes in walls. This is highly damaging for your son.

He promises it won't happen again, and then it happens again. It is clear that his priority is drink, and not yours and DS's safety and happiness.

You are right that it is not possible to be a team with an alcohol abuser: they choose booze over people.

I'm not surprised you feel so rundown. No-one should be with a partner who fills them with dread, who lashes out at them and fails to support them. That's not a partner, it's a horrible emotional load that's bringing you down.

Forget about MIL, she doesn't matter in this scenario. What matters is getting you and DS somewhere where you will be free from alcoholic rages. I think you might find that your anxieties dwindle down when you are no longer shackled to an alcohol abuser.

I wish you strength.

I think your big problem is your 'd'h not your mil. Ignore the issue with mil it is a distraction from your abusive husband. This may seem harsh but you are being abused by your husband and you are failing to protect your child from abuse.

You need to seek support to get out of this situation as you can't stop it from happening. www.al-anonuk.org.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk can help. Have you spoken to anybody in real life about this?

Thanks for your responses. I know its now going to be another few months of calm waters whilst he feels guilty about his behaviour.
He genuinely doesn't think he is an alcoholic and has said that 'this time' it has left him without the urge to go out drinking with his friends again. He understands he gets carried away and has no off switch, but how many chances do I give him. Would my life really be better without him or can I go and stay with my parents if he goes out again?

I am sure I am sounding like a stereotypical alcoholics wife, but without alcohol this guy is amazing and what everyone woman would want, cooks, cleans, works hard, is loving, complemtry and trustworthy. With alcohol he doesn't know when to stop and this person completely changes.

Thank you for making me see the reality of the situation.

I will seek legal advice and further counselling and ensure that we are safe.

Thank you

Looks like there's a pattern here.

You have a nasty DMIL, judging by how she treats your DS, her behaviour sounds deliberate rather than forgetfulness or accidental.

And you have a DP with serious drink problems - can't you see a connection, if she can be that cruel to her DGS who knows how she treated her DS.

This isn't something you can fix. Maybe if DP went for lots of counselling to sort himself out it would help but he has to want to do that, and it sounds like he is in denial that he has a problem, so you need to see this as a long term problem and decide what is best for you and DS.